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Peer presure pee

I feel like doing the things I keep telling other people not to do. I feel like peeing on sticks.

I’m not just doing it for the sake of it though, I’ve got some reasons. Well, one reason. My boobs. I wouldn’t say they are bigger but they definitely feel fuller. I asked Hubby this morning if my boobs felt different and he (after the necessary grope) gave me a weird look “Ya, they feel harder. Why?”. “Well, I think I could be pregnant”.

By this time I’ve already peed on one of my ovulation strips (cause it’s all I have around anymore) for no result and I tell him I want to go get an early detection test. I feel silly. I always tell people just to wait a few more days and use the cheap regulars, but I really want a drink.

*Hubby just arrived back from the store with the test*

Tonight is my 30th birthday party. I REALLY wanted to be able to go out and have a few drinks with my friends (or in my new case two weak ones… maybe three weak ones throughout the afternoon eve). Even just one! I haven’t been able to sit and have a drink with my friends in so many years and now that my body it finally able to tolerate a small amount of alcohol… it’s the wrong time of month and I think I might be pregnant.

“Wasn’t that the goal?”, some might say. Of course it is, totally not the point right now though.

Let’s go check the damn test.

Negative. Maybe I didn’t want that drink as much as I thought.

I’m due in 3 days and this is supposed to tell 5 days before. I guess the boobs are just a side effect of the clomid. That’s just plain deceitful. My love affair with my pricey frist response HPT is over. I’m done. I don’t want to be its friend anymore. It may think it’s cool, but it’s a jerk.

End of day three of clomid

Well, I’ve gotta say… I don’t feel squat. 

I keep hearing these horror stories of mood swings and craziness on clomid and I haven’t noticed a thing. You could crush it up and hide it in my dinner and I’d never know.

Two days ago I had my girlfriend’s kids over for the afternoon/ eve while she was at work. Normally the kids all get along well but that night was one bicker after another and her kids cry. A lot. And I have no sympathy for senseless crying. I can’t count the amount of “suck it up”‘s that came out of my mouth that day.

Hubby turns to me half way through “are you sure you want more?”. Me, “you like them better when they’re your own”. 😉

Poor kids. I love them dearly, but I’m not the aunt that spoils. I’m the aunt that acts exactly like they are my own kids so they get away with NOTHING. On the upside, at my house when you’re good, we have dance parties and water fights and build cool forts.

So I’m about the take my 4th clomid (anyone else think it’s weird that it’s only a 5 day thing?) and wondering if I’m ever going to feel any different. Part of me thinks that if I can’t feel anything, it’s not working. That’s not my logical brain there so I’m trying to ignore it.

CD 4-5, I’m counting it as 5 since there was a whole hour of Wednesday included.

I was planning on posting a while ago. I was going to say that I’d given up on my journey and I was simply trying to make the best of what I have and stop focusing on what I wished I had. I turned my nursery into a computer room and took out everything baby related (minus the change table because it’s busy holding up the fish tank right now). I decided to try and work on my body, get it to where I want it (yes, small butts can still sag) and start buying clothes that are not based on how well they expand or cover a belly.

I’ve actually been pretty happy since I decided to give up on this. We all know that this doesn’t mean that I don’t want more, just that I was taking it out of my hands and putting it into the hand of Mo‘s big giant Spaghetti Monster in the sky. Hubby and I were just doing our thing and focusing on us, our sex life (which we’ve been spicing up, with no thanks to “sex for dummies” I’ll have you know.)

Then I got me a sponsor child. It’s all my chocobuddy’s fault since the little girl stood out for having the same name as her and it was the little girls birthday that day. I couldn’t resist. But that also brought up adoption in my mind again and I told Hubby that we needed to make a decision. Either we hop back on the wagon trying to acquire a child in some fashion or other, or we decide that we’re closing the family off at the three of us. I don’t want Monster to hit 10 and then have to start all over again. He’s going to be 5 in December and already I’d rather adopt a 3-year-old to close the age gap and give Monster a sibling he can actually play with.

As receptive as Hubby originally was to the idea of adoption, he’s really not keen on it right now. He says that he really wants another that is biologically his and I think he figures that going for adoption is us saying that we’re not going to try anymore. It’s not the case, but that’s how he feels. He started pushing for IVF but I’m not keen on that idea since it doesn’t have a great success rate and we don’t know that that is really appropriate for us. We’ve had 3 pregnancies and lost two. It’s been 2.5 years since my last pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s the getting pregnant or staying pregnant that is the biggist issue, really.

So we settled on the middle ground. Clomid. We’re going to give it another round of active trying with all the accessories…or, most of the accessories. Fuck taking my temp every morning. We’re going to have lots of frequent sex and I’m going to monitor my CF and the rest should take care of itself. I’m not taking on the stress of über tracking right now. My CF keeps me very up to date as to when I should be ready (smelling oddly sweet and needing to carry extra panties for when I soak through the first). What? TMI? Haven’t you been to this page before? 😉

So that’s where I’ve ended up. Today I took my first dose of clomid. Am I going to turn into a crazy hormonal woman? I wasn’t when I was pregnant, so I can’t see it happening, but who knows.

I’m scared a bit, but mostly I’m not taking in the reality of it. Maybe I’ll get pregnant. Maybe there will be more than one. Maybe I’ll lose multiple babies. Maybe it will hit me when I’m due for The Red Lady. I’m sure now that if I lose another, I’m not planning on walking into this situation again. Maybe absolutely nothing will happen. That would be…anticlimactic.  Anticlimactic really isn’t all that bad considering other possible alternatives.

It’s a bit of a turn around from giving up.


They’re hard to come by, right? I mean, I’ve never know a surrogate or anyone that would even really consider it before.

I admit, I kinda pulled out my Judgy McJudgerson a bit ago when I found out we were getting a new nurse at work. We were all excited (since we’ve pretty much been short-staffed from the get go) but then they (management) told us she was taking the day line that two of our current staff were trying to get put into (each told one of them would have it). We were pissed because they should have first dib having been there from the get go, right? Management told us that she had actually been hired with us right from the start but then she was put on bedrest right before we opened so that’s why we haven’t seen her yet but that she was originally hired for the day line. Turns out that that’s not true (the day line part) but that she told them she was no longer willing to work full-time evenings like she had originally been hired and would only do days. They fed us their BS because they were desperate to have more staff and didn’t want us pissed but failed to mention that to the new girl.

So the McJudgerson part was my original thought, ok fine I thought it out loud in a big blurt being “why is she coming back right now if she just got off bedrest? What, are we going to have her for a week before they realize pacing up and down stairs for 8 hours a day is too much for her and we’ll lose her again?”. Then I’m told she already had the baby and blurt “then what the hell is she doing coming back to work after only 3 weeks?” I’m starting to think that this woman is desperate or crazy and really hoping for desperate cause I’m sick of crazy.

Long story short, she tells me she was a surrogate. She’s got three children of her own and this was her second time being a surrogate for another couple. She just loves being pregnant. “And the perk is that I get to snuggle them up and give them away after”. HAHAHAHAHA. You expect them to say something like “It’s so fulfilling to be able to give a couple the child that they have been longing for and help them make a family” or something. But nope. It was all I could do not to cackle at the irony there.

I didn’t ask her how much she charges to do it, but I REALLY wanted to. I asked if she was planning on doing it again and she said that her plan was for that to be the last, but that she’s starting to get the itch to be pregnant again. So I stuck with telling her that I thought it was really amazing that she was willing to do that for couples in need.

Of course my partner’s reaction was the exact opposite. “What the FUCK!? Why would she do that?” Sadly I think my partners thoughts are closer to the norm.


With everything going on with Mo right now, I should have seen it coming. Bad stuff happens in three’s right? Well, I don’t think I really believe it, but I’ve heard it and it seems to be working its way in here.

I had my first death at work today. Not to say the first time someone has passed away there, just the first time it’s ever happened while I’m working (and this is in almost 7 years of working). It was bound to happen sooner or later. But it still messed with my head. I’m not saying I was a mess over it. I truly believe that she needed to let go because she was suffering so much. And it helped that she passed in her sleep. How many of us get that luxury?

Is that cold of me? I wasn’t at all uncomfortable being in there pronouncing her dead, getting her ready in case the family came in to see her, calling the family. I’m trying to decide if I’m good at dealing with certain things or if I’m just a little too numb to death.

Please stop here. Please don’t bring on a third.

Lets just hope that all the little bad things over the last two days can make up for a third big bad. By the time I went to pick up my son after work and my drink exploded on me (covering me, my drivers and passenger side, my door and dashboard…and the roof), I didn’t even flinch. Just drove my soggy ass to the day home happy that I was only wet and smelled of cherry.


Fuck No

Worst wake up call.

I just found out this morning on the way to work and I am So fucking sorry. I’m crying like an idiot at work for her and everyone thinks there is something wrong with me. I wish I could make this better. I wish I could be with her right now. I wish we could just cry together and tell the world to fuck off for doing this to her and hold on to her until it all goes away.

I want to do something and I know that there is nothing that I can do.

Mo is just over 22 weeks pregnant and last night her water broke. Last I heard, they are giving it until morning with the hope and prayer that some water starts to replenish itself, but it’s not looking good. If not, they will have to induce.

I know she’s strong, but now is the time for us all to be strong for her. Please send her your thoughts and prayers by email if you have her email address or by commenting on her last blog post. She really needs us right now guys.

I love you Mo. I’m so sorry.

Happy Valentines Day

On an extra happy note, I finally have my Hubby back after more than three weeks away! We’re celebrating … by doing nothing. It’s our style.

Can you smell me?

Yes, I did ask a couple of my girls this today… and I’m not talking B.O. here.

I have a REALLY sensitive nose and I never know if smells are strong enough that other people can smell too, or if it’s just me. Like hemorrhoids, yes, I can smell hemorrhoids. But not on me, lol, that was just an example of things I know the smell of that others don’t.

So, all day I can smell myself and it’s potent. Why? I’m about to ovulate and I’m at the watery CF point. Can you guys smell yourself when you’re at that point? I’ve honestly never noticed it on anyone else, I’m also assuming everyone smells differently on that front just like your general scent is different.

I ask one of my care aids if she can smell me (not specifying for what) and of course another walks into the office at that very second so I figure, why not, and ask her too. The first rolls over to me (we’re sitting down charting) and takes a big whiff of my boobs sternum thinking I’m talking about perfume. Nothing. Other girl? nothing. HOW CAN THEY NOT SMELL ME!?

It’s not an unpleasant smell at all, faintly sweet and comfortable (was that TMI? lol) but just because I know what it is, I get self-conscious. So have you ever noticed your smell change when you’re about to ovulate?

The Figurehead

So, I get to work on Saturday, minding my own business (trying to wake up all the way) while waiting for the rest of the day staff to come into the nursing station to get report. As I glance around to see what had happened on my two days off, I see a memo.

(Gist) From E to staff, I will be away from the facility for the 30th, 31st and possibly the 1st. I can be contacted by phone if needed but for any questions or concerns, (me) will be replacing me for those days.

WTF!!!! AHHH! (ok, I’ll admit, I actually gave a vaguely, not to subtle, out loud sqwock when I read the bottom). My boss had been going around for the last two weeks making random comments about running away and recommending me to hold fort (something along those lines but I can’t remember what she actually said other than she’d probably never say anything about holding the fort). I never once took her serious, always replying “Oh yaaaa, of course, no problem. But you can’t actually leave, ever, because nobody wants your job.”

As it turns out she was at least kinda serious about the leaving me as the go-to person when she’s not in the facility. As I primped my feathers in pride, I wished I’d actually had some warning so that I could see what that actually meant and what the heck I had to do.

Sunday night I found a message on my answering machine from Friday from E telling me what was going on and since my phone, internet, and tv had all been down for about 9 hours on friday, the lack of a number on the call display meant that it didn’t occur to me to check the machine.

 At least now I can’t say “why the hell didn’t she tell me?”

But today was a great day, even though it was even busier with me trying to do a few of E’s things. I had a good time taking on some extra responsibility and none of the others seemed to question E’s decision for a moment. I guess that I’ve been the go-to person a lot for most of the day/ evening nurses since we opened (and since they found out that I love to help others and educate myself and them).

Just a little “yay for me”. It’s nice to be recognized as useful.

And to top it off, I left work, IN DAYLIGHT! and I didn’t need my jacket!!!!! It is such a beautiful day outside and I could feel the warm sun beating down on me. I’ll take this 9 over the -40 we had a week ago any day. Sunshine does wonders to perk me up.


Odd Family?

So, my SIL was throwing a passion party today. You ever been? Also known more commonly as a sex toy party. I had gone to one back in nursing school with a bunch of girls from class and it didn’t make for a bad time with those girls.

But you want a good laugh? Let’s go over this guest list.

R (SIL) & LB (Little Brother), Mummy (my step-dad opted out with the excuse of babysitting), R’s parents (and yes that included her dad), another SIL, and some friends of R&LB’s both male and female and one especially that I’ve known most of his life and is like another LB to me. Since I’ve only been to one of these, maybe I’m not a proper judge, but I didn’t think that was a normal style guest list. But heck, I wanted to see people and visit.

Let me tell you, I had a good time. Having family and friends there was fun, amusing, and not at all uncomfortable even though it should have been when I’ve got my brother 2 seats over asking about different oils/ dildos/ nipple nibbler and trying to find different terms so I knew what I was holding (pocket pussy was the one that got it across).

I’m just glad my family isn’t full of a bunch of prudes. That would have made it awkward.

I’ll tell you what I got. Ready?

She had this pheromone unisex cologne thing that she rolled on each of us and every single one of us smelled different! It was so frackin’ COOL! I’m very scent oriented so I had to go around and sniff everyone there and me and my brother actually smelled very similar which was less surprising but still funny (since I smelled like a peachy/ apricoty mix) and my mom was similar but less sweet. Others ranged from candy to musky type smells and one actually kinda smelled like smokes so I wouldn’t suggest that for him. But how is that not awesome? I don’t care if it makes me more “attractive” or not, I just want to go rub it on everyone I know and sniff them.

I’ll hold back on the rest of what I came home with today.  😉  This is all part of my effort to put the fun back in sex.