Category: TTC


Peer presure pee

I feel like doing the things I keep telling other people not to do. I feel like peeing on sticks.

I’m not just doing it for the sake of it though, I’ve got some reasons. Well, one reason. My boobs. I wouldn’t say they are bigger but they definitely feel fuller. I asked Hubby this morning if my boobs felt different and he (after the necessary grope) gave me a weird look “Ya, they feel harder. Why?”. “Well, I think I could be pregnant”.

By this time I’ve already peed on one of my ovulation strips (cause it’s all I have around anymore) for no result and I tell him I want to go get an early detection test. I feel silly. I always tell people just to wait a few more days and use the cheap regulars, but I really want a drink.

*Hubby just arrived back from the store with the test*

Tonight is my 30th birthday party. I REALLY wanted to be able to go out and have a few drinks with my friends (or in my new case two weak ones… maybe three weak ones throughout the afternoon eve). Even just one! I haven’t been able to sit and have a drink with my friends in so many years and now that my body it finally able to tolerate a small amount of alcohol… it’s the wrong time of month and I think I might be pregnant.

“Wasn’t that the goal?”, some might say. Of course it is, totally not the point right now though.

Let’s go check the damn test.

Negative. Maybe I didn’t want that drink as much as I thought.

I’m due in 3 days and this is supposed to tell 5 days before. I guess the boobs are just a side effect of the clomid. That’s just plain deceitful. My love affair with my pricey frist response HPT is over. I’m done. I don’t want to be its friend anymore. It may think it’s cool, but it’s a jerk.

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End of day three of clomid

Well, I’ve gotta say… I don’t feel squat. 

I keep hearing these horror stories of mood swings and craziness on clomid and I haven’t noticed a thing. You could crush it up and hide it in my dinner and I’d never know.

Two days ago I had my girlfriend’s kids over for the afternoon/ eve while she was at work. Normally the kids all get along well but that night was one bicker after another and her kids cry. A lot. And I have no sympathy for senseless crying. I can’t count the amount of “suck it up”‘s that came out of my mouth that day.

Hubby turns to me half way through “are you sure you want more?”. Me, “you like them better when they’re your own”. 😉

Poor kids. I love them dearly, but I’m not the aunt that spoils. I’m the aunt that acts exactly like they are my own kids so they get away with NOTHING. On the upside, at my house when you’re good, we have dance parties and water fights and build cool forts.

So I’m about the take my 4th clomid (anyone else think it’s weird that it’s only a 5 day thing?) and wondering if I’m ever going to feel any different. Part of me thinks that if I can’t feel anything, it’s not working. That’s not my logical brain there so I’m trying to ignore it.

CD 4-5, I’m counting it as 5 since there was a whole hour of Wednesday included.

I was planning on posting a while ago. I was going to say that I’d given up on my journey and I was simply trying to make the best of what I have and stop focusing on what I wished I had. I turned my nursery into a computer room and took out everything baby related (minus the change table because it’s busy holding up the fish tank right now). I decided to try and work on my body, get it to where I want it (yes, small butts can still sag) and start buying clothes that are not based on how well they expand or cover a belly.

I’ve actually been pretty happy since I decided to give up on this. We all know that this doesn’t mean that I don’t want more, just that I was taking it out of my hands and putting it into the hand of Mo‘s big giant Spaghetti Monster in the sky. Hubby and I were just doing our thing and focusing on us, our sex life (which we’ve been spicing up, with no thanks to “sex for dummies” I’ll have you know.)

Then I got me a sponsor child. It’s all my chocobuddy’s fault since the little girl stood out for having the same name as her and it was the little girls birthday that day. I couldn’t resist. But that also brought up adoption in my mind again and I told Hubby that we needed to make a decision. Either we hop back on the wagon trying to acquire a child in some fashion or other, or we decide that we’re closing the family off at the three of us. I don’t want Monster to hit 10 and then have to start all over again. He’s going to be 5 in December and already I’d rather adopt a 3-year-old to close the age gap and give Monster a sibling he can actually play with.

As receptive as Hubby originally was to the idea of adoption, he’s really not keen on it right now. He says that he really wants another that is biologically his and I think he figures that going for adoption is us saying that we’re not going to try anymore. It’s not the case, but that’s how he feels. He started pushing for IVF but I’m not keen on that idea since it doesn’t have a great success rate and we don’t know that that is really appropriate for us. We’ve had 3 pregnancies and lost two. It’s been 2.5 years since my last pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s the getting pregnant or staying pregnant that is the biggist issue, really.

So we settled on the middle ground. Clomid. We’re going to give it another round of active trying with all the accessories…or, most of the accessories. Fuck taking my temp every morning. We’re going to have lots of frequent sex and I’m going to monitor my CF and the rest should take care of itself. I’m not taking on the stress of über tracking right now. My CF keeps me very up to date as to when I should be ready (smelling oddly sweet and needing to carry extra panties for when I soak through the first). What? TMI? Haven’t you been to this page before? 😉

So that’s where I’ve ended up. Today I took my first dose of clomid. Am I going to turn into a crazy hormonal woman? I wasn’t when I was pregnant, so I can’t see it happening, but who knows.

I’m scared a bit, but mostly I’m not taking in the reality of it. Maybe I’ll get pregnant. Maybe there will be more than one. Maybe I’ll lose multiple babies. Maybe it will hit me when I’m due for The Red Lady. I’m sure now that if I lose another, I’m not planning on walking into this situation again. Maybe absolutely nothing will happen. That would be…anticlimactic.  Anticlimactic really isn’t all that bad considering other possible alternatives.

It’s a bit of a turn around from giving up.

Surrogate

They’re hard to come by, right? I mean, I’ve never know a surrogate or anyone that would even really consider it before.

I admit, I kinda pulled out my Judgy McJudgerson a bit ago when I found out we were getting a new nurse at work. We were all excited (since we’ve pretty much been short-staffed from the get go) but then they (management) told us she was taking the day line that two of our current staff were trying to get put into (each told one of them would have it). We were pissed because they should have first dib having been there from the get go, right? Management told us that she had actually been hired with us right from the start but then she was put on bedrest right before we opened so that’s why we haven’t seen her yet but that she was originally hired for the day line. Turns out that that’s not true (the day line part) but that she told them she was no longer willing to work full-time evenings like she had originally been hired and would only do days. They fed us their BS because they were desperate to have more staff and didn’t want us pissed but failed to mention that to the new girl.

So the McJudgerson part was my original thought, ok fine I thought it out loud in a big blurt being “why is she coming back right now if she just got off bedrest? What, are we going to have her for a week before they realize pacing up and down stairs for 8 hours a day is too much for her and we’ll lose her again?”. Then I’m told she already had the baby and blurt “then what the hell is she doing coming back to work after only 3 weeks?” I’m starting to think that this woman is desperate or crazy and really hoping for desperate cause I’m sick of crazy.

Long story short, she tells me she was a surrogate. She’s got three children of her own and this was her second time being a surrogate for another couple. She just loves being pregnant. “And the perk is that I get to snuggle them up and give them away after”. HAHAHAHAHA. You expect them to say something like “It’s so fulfilling to be able to give a couple the child that they have been longing for and help them make a family” or something. But nope. It was all I could do not to cackle at the irony there.

I didn’t ask her how much she charges to do it, but I REALLY wanted to. I asked if she was planning on doing it again and she said that her plan was for that to be the last, but that she’s starting to get the itch to be pregnant again. So I stuck with telling her that I thought it was really amazing that she was willing to do that for couples in need.

Of course my partner’s reaction was the exact opposite. “What the FUCK!? Why would she do that?” Sadly I think my partners thoughts are closer to the norm.

 

Can you smell me?

Yes, I did ask a couple of my girls this today… and I’m not talking B.O. here.

I have a REALLY sensitive nose and I never know if smells are strong enough that other people can smell too, or if it’s just me. Like hemorrhoids, yes, I can smell hemorrhoids. But not on me, lol, that was just an example of things I know the smell of that others don’t.

So, all day I can smell myself and it’s potent. Why? I’m about to ovulate and I’m at the watery CF point. Can you guys smell yourself when you’re at that point? I’ve honestly never noticed it on anyone else, I’m also assuming everyone smells differently on that front just like your general scent is different.

I ask one of my care aids if she can smell me (not specifying for what) and of course another walks into the office at that very second so I figure, why not, and ask her too. The first rolls over to me (we’re sitting down charting) and takes a big whiff of my boobs sternum thinking I’m talking about perfume. Nothing. Other girl? nothing. HOW CAN THEY NOT SMELL ME!?

It’s not an unpleasant smell at all, faintly sweet and comfortable (was that TMI? lol) but just because I know what it is, I get self-conscious. So have you ever noticed your smell change when you’re about to ovulate?

Odd Family?

So, my SIL was throwing a passion party today. You ever been? Also known more commonly as a sex toy party. I had gone to one back in nursing school with a bunch of girls from class and it didn’t make for a bad time with those girls.

But you want a good laugh? Let’s go over this guest list.

R (SIL) & LB (Little Brother), Mummy (my step-dad opted out with the excuse of babysitting), R’s parents (and yes that included her dad), another SIL, and some friends of R&LB’s both male and female and one especially that I’ve known most of his life and is like another LB to me. Since I’ve only been to one of these, maybe I’m not a proper judge, but I didn’t think that was a normal style guest list. But heck, I wanted to see people and visit.

Let me tell you, I had a good time. Having family and friends there was fun, amusing, and not at all uncomfortable even though it should have been when I’ve got my brother 2 seats over asking about different oils/ dildos/ nipple nibbler and trying to find different terms so I knew what I was holding (pocket pussy was the one that got it across).

I’m just glad my family isn’t full of a bunch of prudes. That would have made it awkward.

I’ll tell you what I got. Ready?

She had this pheromone unisex cologne thing that she rolled on each of us and every single one of us smelled different! It was so frackin’ COOL! I’m very scent oriented so I had to go around and sniff everyone there and me and my brother actually smelled very similar which was less surprising but still funny (since I smelled like a peachy/ apricoty mix) and my mom was similar but less sweet. Others ranged from candy to musky type smells and one actually kinda smelled like smokes so I wouldn’t suggest that for him. But how is that not awesome? I don’t care if it makes me more “attractive” or not, I just want to go rub it on everyone I know and sniff them.

I’ll hold back on the rest of what I came home with today.  😉  This is all part of my effort to put the fun back in sex.

TTC solo

Can you conceive just from wishful thinking? I feel like I’ve had so many months in the last year that are write-off’s just because Hubby is out of town at the worst of times. I wonder sometimes if I could just get him to leave me a few samples in the freezer. Would that work? How the hell am I supposed to get pregnant if I’m flying solo half the time?

I did it, and no one twisted my arm

That’s right. I POAS’d today. I was ~4 days late?

And I had no signs that it was coming, but I did it (for a negative), walked out the door, and The Red Lady did come.

Hubby is leaving on Saturday for 2.5 weeks so I have no hope for next month. It’s a right off. I’ll console myself with fake wine and coffee… and my absence of reality as usual. What else should I entertain myself with? Any suggestions?

Just a little update

So, I did find a new day home. I think. I start on Monday with her and I’m feeling as good as I can seeing as I don’t actually know her and this is my fifth day home in three years. But we’re giving it a go and she seems super nice. Sadly, it will be Monster and 5 girls every day. I NEED to get him some boys to hang out with, poor kid.

My hip is 50% stable! No, I have no clue what that means, but my chiropractor seemed really happy about it. I’m hoping when I see her tomorrow she’ll take me off modified duties. As fun as it is to get “my minions” to haul it around for me, if I never again have to wait for someone else to move it so that I can do my work, it will be too soon. They’ve all been really great about it at work though and my residents cheer for me when I find something light enough that doesn’t hit my weight limit and I can be useful. Then again I did get stuck in a hunched squat today and had to get my partner to help me up. But I made sure that I did the dressing change while I was down there. They can tease all they want, at least I was productive.

And Last by not least, Sex For Dummies has yet to reveal anything amazing to me. Although, I did find it interesting to note that there is actually no scientific proof that a g-spot exists. So if you have a magical place in your vagina that makes your world tip upside down in a toe curl, I guess that falls under a “nice to be you” and maybe an “I hate you a little right now”.  😉 

Almost forgot. I picked “One for the Money” by Janet Evanovich for my book club. Not my norm, but it’s a 4.5/5 on amazon after 697 review and it’s supposed to be really funny.

 

I know I haven’t given much of an update about my working full-time now, just bittles here and there. But easily put, I really like my job. I like being back at work, talking to adults, using my brain for more than finding ways to entertain my preschooler, being forced to socialize again because even though I knew I had become a hermit it turns out that it was worse than I’d realized. I’m being a productive member of society. I’m not in any way saying that raising my son is not being productive, but I realize now that being ONLY at home with him and almost no social / support network (sorry but virtual socializing just doesn’t seem to count enough to prevent hermitizing but you guys did keep me from being completely insane) was really not good for me.

I’ve felt amazing since going back to work. Being physically active (I’m eating like a pig and losing weight from how much motoring around I’m doing) is great. I’m not feeling as tired any more. But the best part is that I’ve been pulled out of the heavy depression that I didn’t realize that I’d been in, building up over the last few years. Did you know you could suffer double depression? Last winter was horrible for me, but I didn’t realize the depression I suffered was only on top of a depression that had slowly built up over time.

Ok, I’m rambling, and on to the downer part of the post. You may remember that the only reason I was able to accept the position was that by some miracle in my small town, I was able to find a day home that was agency run AND did weekends. Finding child care here is nearly impossible for those that don’t work monday – friday 9-5. So, Dec 23rd at about 11pm as I’ve got everything ready for Christmas eve, I decided to go through Monsters back pack and read the journal S keeps for him about all day home stuff.

Inside is a letter of termination of care.

I re-read it about 10 times thinking that I was misunderstanding something. But I wasn’t. She’s got just as much problems with fertility/ pregnancy as all of us here and she’s having a really hard time in her pregnancy now (which she only opened up about a few weeks back). I was DEVASTATED. I cried all night and all Christmas eve. May sound like an over reaction, but it means so much more than just having to find a new day home.

Losing child care that I really like. The knowledge that I may very well not be able to find a replacement willing to do weekends. Not an exaggeration since I’ve spent three years here trying to find reliable childcare. The knowledge that if I can’t, I’ll have to quit my job. The only reason Hubby was able to take his promotion to assistant manager (which was a slight pay cut) was because I was now working so if I quit he’ll have to quit and go back into the field. That if I’m not working I’ll be drawn right back into that horrible place that I didn’t know I was in, stuck at home all the time not seeing anyone and looking at the constant reminder that I may be an at home mom but I can’t seem to bring any more children into this world to raise, rubbing my secondary infertility in my face. I’m terrified of going back there.

We’re just leaving out the obvious part about wanting her pregnancy to go well.

Can’t say that it helps that this is the fourth time I’ve lost child care and the fourth time it’s been to pregnancy. Just in case I needed that little extra face rub.

So I’m staring at the potential of everything we’ve worked for and achieved over the last few month flushing down the drain because it all depends on one thing that we have so little control of.

I’m more numb to it now. I’ve got less that two weeks to find a solution or lose my job.

So please, I’m asking you to all send your prayers, good thoughts, or anything more helpful than cheese string my way. Cross everything you’ve got that I can find someone willing/ able/ and responsible enough to take care of my son.