Archive for February, 2011


And then I hurt his feelings

I hate talking when I dont know what to say. My poor hubby was trying to figure out what was wrong with me yesterday and once he figured out that the “I’m just not feeling good” was not refering to physically (his natural assumption since he was aware that I’d only slept 1.5 hrs and since he’s fighting a cold) he assumed I was mad at him. I didn’t know how to explain to him that I was mad at HIM, but that I’m sad and I have a lot of generalized anger just floating around in there and that I’m angry and upset about sex and continuously asking for something I don’t even want as a means to try and get what we do want and all the getting shut down. I know it didn’t come out all smooth and I was having trouble talking because I was crying. I’m pretty sure I only succeeded in hurting his feelings and he thinks I’m being unfair to him. Of course there is nothing fair about this to either of us. And now I feel guilty for hurting his feelings among everything else.

But one of my friends called today, I haven’t spoken to him in months. We were inseparable in grade 12, we went to grad together (even though he hooked up with someone else by the end of the evening), he joined me in Oz and SE Asia for a few months and he’s always been that crazy male friend that can translate what I’m saying into english and who can make me feel better just by being there. And he called just to say he missed me and he wants me to get a sitter for an evening just so we can go out and have some QT. He’s like a brother to me, makes me happy, makes me laugh, has no issues with telling me if I’m getting too chubby (it happens at rare times) and accepts me no matter what and loves even my bad side. The kind of guy you wish you had a sister to marry him to so that you’d have a claim on him forever because he’d officially be family. So hopefully I’ll be able to get together with him this weekend or shortly after. I could sure use it.

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I’ve come to a conclusion that I can’t say I favor, but I’m shocked that the obviousness of the possibility hadn’t struck me yet.

I don’t think I’m sick at all.

I don’t think I’ve been fighting anything for the last month that had left me nearly bed ridden, with no appetite, and struggling to care about everything/ anything around me.

And yet I’m sure that if I had looked at myself objectively I’d have noticed, just like I’m sure that many of you have likely noticed. I think I’m depressed, and not in the “oh, that’s ass, but I’ll feel better tomorrow” kind of way. I’ve always been a positive person and I think any chipper that has been coming out of me at times is mearly formed from habit. I haven’t felt happy in a long time (other than my odd rubber room style excitedness for a few days last month). I really have nothing to complain about logically, but logic isn’t living here right now. Without distraction I swing from gut stabbing sad to numb and a lot of anger thrown in for variety. Who me? angry? What a shock, no one noticed.

But I’ve realized that I seem to be hating life in a pretty hard way lately. I want another child so badly and the loss of my 2nd and 3rd are still so strong. The idea of not giving my son a sibling is killing me since I think that growing up and only child is horrible and has some very negative consequences and I want to prevent that any way possible, plus I know that my family isn’t complete as it is. So I keep trying to get pregnant. And that in itself seems to be bringing me lower every day.

I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to ask my husband to have sex with me all the time. I make it look like I want to have sex to try and make my husband feel like a man, and I want to want to have sex. I wish I enjoyed sex, but the only thing I get out of it is the comfort of physical proximity to my husband, someone actually touching me other than my son. I’ve always been a very physically affectionate person and I feel starved for physical comfort nowadays. I don’t have my friends around to snuggle up to, hold my hands, hug me (and I’m known to being almost overwhelming in the amount of hugs I like), kiss my cheeks. And my husband and I are not very physical anymore. He doesn’t snuggle me, he gives me a little kiss when he comes home or leaves, or if I ask him for one while he’s at the computer. He doesn’t hug me anymore unless I ask him for one.

I’m almost willing to completely give up on the idea of having another child simply because I’m so tired of begging him to sleep with me and being turned down. Every time I’m leading up to ovulation he’s not feeling well and I hate saying “I’m going to ovulate soon” and that’s a really last-ditch effort if I do…and I always end up having to say it. And still often nothing happens.

I know my husband loves me, but I couldn’t tell you if he was in love with me, I just don’t know that. I know he likes me as a person, he obviously thinks I’m a good person and a good mother. But I don’t interest him. And sadly I’m pretty sure that it’s not only mentally (we’ve never had anything in common and I’m not exactly in league with the intelligent conversationalist of the world. I’m a simple girl with simple wants and that’s how I’ve always been. I don’t see it a negative thing for me) but also physically. I know he used to love having sex with me. There was a time when that was the case. But every time I have to essentially beg for sex that I don’t want to have because the last thing I feel is wanted, it just makes me more and more bitter. I’ve had the discussion with him about it, and he tried to put in more effort for a short time, but now we’re back to nothing.

I can’t sleep because I can’t relax. I finally realized that. I retreat further and further into my books in desperate need of distraction from my thoughts that are an unclear mess of anger and tears. Last night I managed 1.5 hrs in which I woke up 3 times. During this afternoon I brought my son to be with me and just held on to him while he slept. I dozed in and out of sleep for 2 hours and then my son left and there was just this cold empty spot where he’d been. It’s seemed like such a bad, cheesy picture of how I felt. Cold and empty. And it’s everything in my power right now to care enough to keep things from being really crappy for Monster just because of how I’m feeling, and I realized I’m not doing a great job of it.

I feel like trying to have a child has killed the parts of me that I liked.

And just like that…

And just like that he was gone again. Not enough notice to even try and squeeze a quicky in there and I should be ovulating in the next couple days. I thought it was perfect time for him coming home (as far as TTC goes), but I didn’t think he’d be sent away so fast. He didn’t even get his three days he’d agreed on in order for them keeping him away for as long as they had. I normally am fine with him being gone, but I also usually have more than 15 minutes from “oh, crap” to him pulling out of the driveway. Not to mention that since Monster hadn’t seen him in three weeks, 2.5 days just didn’t cut it, and I’m sure it was breaking Hubby’s heart to see how upset he was about daddy going away again. At this moment I really hate Hubby’s boss (not as a person, but as a boss). Who gets notice at 7:30pm to drive 4 hours away (not including getting to the shop and getting the rig ready to go and meeting his partner) for a job the next morning?

The unexpected exit, the sick little boy crying for his daddy, and the fact that we were just waiting untill Monster went to bed to hop on that TTC wagon is all just topped with knowing that the chances of him coming back before I ovulate is pretty much nil, and that writes off another month. And if I sound just a little resentful it’s because I am. And I couldn’t help but cry about it as he drove away.

Girly sleep over night

I’ve been looking for a good “fuck you” song for a bit now. 🙂

So, yesterday was a nice day for me. It was the kind of day that I’d have expected to have years sooner than yesterday, but it came none the less. My best friend moved out into her own place! She hasn’t always lived at home, but she’s always been either attached to her parents homes or with roommates. But she saved up and had a condo build and I was super excited for her. I went over to help her unpack and set up to find that most of it wa already done, so we did the shopping of “things you don’t know you need untill you go to used them”, like a kitchen garbage can. I even spent the night with her making it my first sleep-over since before I was pregnant with Monster (at least 4 years then).  I miss having girl time and just chilling around with her so bad, and I always felt that I got jipped not getting to live together at some point growing up. But we were never in the same place at the same time, so whatcha gonna do? But now I can say I helped her break in her new bed on the first night (much needed assistance). It’s so relaxed with her, like we lived together anyways. Going to bed was like a routine: Tea, visit, she goes down and I stay up to read a bit, I crawl in and pass out, she wakes up in the morning, gets ready, gets me up, we make coffee, and we each do our morning routines that seems to fit around each other calmly and smoothly. Like it was just naturally that way. It was so nice having someone to wake up with (in the quiet we don’t talk much fashion that is). I don’t know if me and Hubby have ever gotten up together in our 9 years together.

But it was great being around her (even though I did about kill the dumb ass in Canadian Tire because he kept showing her the exact same thing just in different sizes). It was like being the old me. The pre-miscarriages / pre-hermit me that could just laugh and chill out and swear a bunch at random (although I suspect it was more hunger cranky swearing).

And I thank her today also for introducing me to Lily Allen (yes, I was a Lily virgin untill this morning).

One thing I have to laugh/ shake my head about was her asking me it we were “still trying”. Does it look like I’ve succeeded? Nope. I think I’d have at least told her if we’d given up. But maybe it was just the easiest way she could think to bring up the subject. At least she’ll talk about it with me.

Fantasize

I was introduced to this indirectly by Marie and I’m loving these songs.

CD 11

My goldfish memory is starting to take effect already. I adjust very quickly to any change, simply because I very shortly feel that things have never been any different. So now that I’ve had my hubby back for almost 24 hours, it just feels like normal again, like he was never gone. I admit that I was a smothering shadow to him yesterday, but today I have to remind myself that he’s being all sucky (to Monster) because he’s been gone so long. I have to remind myself not to get irritated that he’s putting on movies and giving him treats, and when I remember why it makes complete sense to me. He may have to go back to work on thursday, but at least he hasn’t heard anything about out of town jobs yet, so that’s nice.

Last night we fantasized about selling our house, downsizing, moving closer to the city, Hubby quitting his job to get a 9-5 and me going back to work part-time so that we could make ends meet and still have a normal life. We honestly have no social life anymore. Hubby always works, and I’m always at home with Monster. We don’t have the extra cash to take holidays or even just have social days going out and doing stuff, so our life has been a stretch just to make ends meet and it’s worn us out. Maybe in the next year we’ll be able to fulfill this fantasy and that would be pretty wonderful. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have Hubby with me at our family gatherings, to be able to make plans with friends together because we’d know when his time off would be, to raise our kid(s) as a joint effort, to not have people joke about how I’ve just made up having a husband. He’s not a figment of my imagination, but it sure feels like it some times.

Also, I got some lovely chocolate in the mail today from my choco-buddy Elphaba! Thanks, I’m looking forward to this dark chili chocolate especially. I’ve never even heard of it.

Over the moon

CD 10

I’m so far over the moon right now. Hubby called last night to say that he’d be coming back home today!!!! I haven’t seen him in three weeks…and you all know how lonely 😉 I’ve been for him, so I really couldn’t have any better of  a treat today. I’d actually planned and had a sitter for tonight so I could go and smash some walls down with one of my buddies, but this will be FAR more therapeutic. Not that I’m cancelling the wall smashing, just putting it off…maybe thursday? Depends on what Hubby’s schedule is like and if they are going to be sending him elsewhere again.

So I got up, vacuumed, swept, showered, shaved the beast that I had become in the three weeks he’s been gone, washed my hair, and put a roast in the crock pot. I came out all smooth and smelling like an orange (I’m a citrus girl) and I’ll be doing my hair before he gets home and getting my make-up all pretty. YAY! Lol, It’s like dating again when  he’s been gone so long, I’m having to restrain myself on the phone from squealing in his ear about my excitement.

Nice visit, he’ll have some time with the Monster, nice dinner, put  Monster to bed then… 😉 . Just in time for appropriately timed TTC too!

I’m so pumped I’d do a strip tease for him if I had any coordination.

Group bonding smash time

Totally unrelated song, just a nice up-beat one for the day.

CD 8

You guys are amazing. It nice to know that someone other than your mother would notice if you dropped off the face of the earth, lol. Thanks for letting me know you care.

Today I felt good enough to venture into the city for my niece’s 3rd birthday. I was dreading going because this is the first car ride over 5 minutes since I started to feel better and I often get drowsy driving in the sunlight. But I managed getting there fine (after taking two wrong turns to a place I should know like the back of my hand…so I knew I was a bit off). As I’ve explained before, I’m not joyous about social events where there are going to be lots of people I don’t know so that was another part of my not wanting to be there. I didn’t have the energy to socialize with strangers but I’m hoping it came off as more shy than bitchy seeing as I have absolutely nothing against these people I’ve never met. I thought I’d freak out and leave an hour in, but I managed to stay 3.5hrs! Good on me!

The best part of the party I have to say was when I was starting to feel pretty crappy at one point, I was walking by my brother and he looked over, reached out his arm, and wrapped it around my shoulder, snuggling me up beside him. It was so friendly and affectionate and comforting that I had to hold back some tears. I think it was unconscious on his part, but it was the nicest 30 seconds of my morning.

Of course after the party my son ran over and threw up on me. What can you do. He bounced back after a few hours.

Of course I needed to get out after the party and chill out. My mummy was in over-concerned mother hen hover mode and she’d been trying to shove food in my mouth all day (not a good tactic to get me eating), so I needed an escape. I left my son with my parents (for fear that if I left town to drive back home he’d puke 5 minutes into the hour drive) for a couple of hours and I went to see some buddies. Normally, I go over to see my best friend N, but I’ve been friends with her hubby WAAAAAY longer and I pretty much never hang out with him anymore, which is sad. I guess I just felt like brotherly guy time today. I’ve always been a little sister to R and he knows how to deal with me better than most of my buddies, so I ran over to his house and he pampered me via letting me vent, making me laugh, distracting me with fantasy novels and chatting about the benefits of (you guessed it) smashing things! I’d been there for an hour before I realized that he had been feeding me most of the time too! He’s so smart and sneaky that I love him for it. He knows that you just need to sit down beside me with food and start eating and I’ll start picking at it and before I knew it he’d gotten 2 banana muffins in my tummy. I need to keep him around more often when I’m having trouble eating.

Just as I was leaving to go back to my parents and we were making plans to have a day in the spring when we get a bunch of old junk and a bunch of bats for a group bonding smash therapy session another of my buddies walked in. Now I’m so in love with E right now because you know what he said to me? “Why don’t you just come over to my house and knock down some walls?”. “REALLY!?”. “Really”. I didn’t know he was planning on tearing his house down right away but we made a smash date for this week (whichever day I can get a sitter) and I’m so excited that I could…put a sledge-hammer through a wall! And I guess now I can! My guys sure know the way to my heart. Sometimes I forget how much I love my friends, but they really are a great bunch of guys.

Then I went back to my mummy’s and played scrabble with my SIL and she brought me christmas in the form of a bag of hand-me-downs (did I mention that I get abnormally excited about hand-me-downs?). We got a chance to chat about my current TTC and fertility situation and  it was nice.

So over all, it’s the best day I’ve had in the last few weeks. Now only if my hubby could come home…

On the mend

CD 4

Just a quick update. I am feeling a lot better today…which really means that I feel like ass, but it’s such an improvement that I can cheer for it. My mummy wouldn’t stop calling today to check in. Literally every 2 hours. I hate to admit that by four I told her that if she called again today I’d be in phone smashing mode again and that she’s no longer allowed to call more than twice a day. I used to be a sociable person! I used to love talking on the phone! When did I become this crazy hermit? I get being concerned and all, but I only have so much tolerance for being hovered over. Even when I know it’s just because she cares.

TMI warning

So, question. Do you think me going through this is the reason that my period is all off? I mean, it’s been so light that I figure it’ll have to last 3 times as long to get it all out. It’s so light that I could get away without changing my pad all day without leaking. I never have a heavy period, but this sure takes the cake.

On an unrelated note, I’m liking this song today.

Jiggly skeletons

CD 3? it’s only day three right?

So I officially screwed my 2011 challenge for writing every day by not doing so yesterday…oh well. My bed was just far more appealing than the computer.

I got a call from my Hubby this morning saying “Happy valentine’s day” and I had to admit to him that I’d had no clue. “Is it really?”. But he knows I’m not great with that stuff. So that makes it…9 years now since we got together. And I got to crawl back into bed and snuggle my big giant duck that he gave me when he first flew me out for our first date and a week with him (he lived a couple provinces away at the time we started dating). He really regrets that duck, let me tell you. I have slept with that duck (the size of a pillow) every night since I got it other that when we lived in china (where I found an even bigger replica of it a week after getting there) and he has plotted its death many times. There have been skeems to rid our bed of the duck, I have found him in a few hiding spots (but usually just launched across the room), and threats of destuffing. Of course every night, there’s Mr. Duck (aka, Howard) snuggled in propping my hip.

So, I’m feeling a little better today but I thought I was going to keel over just from walking to the basement and back up. Then my parents came and took me and Monster to the farmer’s (aka McDonald’s) as a treat for the imp that’s been playing sick nurse for the half dead mama. It was AWEFUL! Not the food, we always know that fast food is fast food, but the people. It was so crowded and I just wedged myself in a corner and tried not to cry (mostly successfully). Stick me in a little box or a closet and day, but keep the crowds to yourself. Normally I can deal with this and keep my issue to myself, but I didn’t have the strength today and my mom kept looking at me like a caged animal she was trying to pacify…and I guess I kinda was. But I got a chocolate milkshake that I didn’t know I wanted untill it was there and I even managed to drink most of it.

I must look worse that I thought seeing as my most looked like she was about to cry when she saw me (not to mention the attempt to pack me up and take me home with her). I keep thinking of those Halloween skeletons that jiggle when you walk by since I’ve got a good case of the shakes. It took me a while to figure out the problem was me. I feel like my body is humming, which is pretty funny untill I’m trying to sleep. The night before last I was up all night (literally) and I thought the motion was my bed jiggling from the captain insaino wind outside, but then the next morning when the wind was gone and my bed was still shaking I realized it was me. I felt surprisingly awake for having not slept yet and I managed a 45 minute nap in the afternoon before the damn phone rang (forgot to unplug) and then I couldn’t get back down. I almost did today too. Monster was being Grampaed and Mummy was getting me some groceries and I nodded off for maybe 10 minutes and then, you guessed it, that damn phone.

Would it be frowned upon to take my phones and smash them into itty-bitty-bits? or just inconvenient due to having to go out and buy more?

But I am getting better, even if it is REALLLYY sloooooowwwwly. I’ve never been one to bounce back fast and I’m aware of it so it doesn’t bother me. I managed about 6 or 7 hrs of sleep last night which was amazing and I’ve eaten a little. So I think I’m on the mend. yay.

But I’ve finished my true blood book series now and I’ve got that whole “somethings missing” feeling I always get at the end of a series. I hate that.

CELEBRATION!!!!!!

Good times, come on, let’s celebrate!

CD1 (didn’t see that coming did you?)

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!!!!

Ya, that bitch arrived today and I’ve never been so happy to finally get my period in my life. I couldn’t stand the stress of being so damn late and having so many -HPT’s. Then there is that damn evil cycle of stress=increased insomnia= can’t eat= nausea= stress = you know. So, the penis may have been defeated this month but I just feel so happy to be able to start a new cycle and get moving on again. Of course the happy is just sitting in there at the moment because I’m feeling to awful to act on it. I nearly fainted this morning…and this afternoon trying to walk around the house and force feed myself (to be honest even the coffee didn’t really want to go down but I made it do my bidding damn it!) Lets just say after a week of feeling so assy, the look in the mirror this morning was a bit of a shocker (did I mention that I weight fluctuate super fast?). I could see ribs and lots of them (EWWW) and that collar bone I love so much was just a little too defined. Now that The Red Lady has arrived I’m hoping the lack of stress and improved mood will kill off my other problems…but I booked an appointment with my dr just incase  it hasn’t by then.

I really want to go try some more coffee seeing as I successfully stuffed a pb&j english muffin down my throat and I think the coffee may go down better on a non-empty pit but I’m afraid of it keeping me up more. Then again, can it really make a difference at this point? I’ll have to see.

But now I must crawl back into bed because I just don’t have the energy in me to sit here any longer.

p.s. I was so happy that the first thing I did was to make my way down to the litter box to clean it. Because we all know how exciting it is to scoop up cat crap!