Archive for March, 2011


Found a peanut

My best friend and I, as I may have mentioned in past posts, do not communicate on a normal human level. We don’t really talk, but instead communicate through grunts, strange noises, quotes, and songs. This is one of our ways of keeping happy, even though no one else has a clue as to whats going on about 90% of the time. We make each other laugh and we enjoy each others nonsense. In fact, I think making each other laugh is half of what we spend our time on. If you’d met me, you would understand that making me laugh has some strange results…which she seems to enjoy.

How do you laugh? Do you look/ sound like as much of a fool as I do? Some people have a nice laugh, and I am not one of them. But I don’t have just one laugh. I seem to have hundreds of them, each stranger than the last. They range from cackle to maniacle to snorting (very common) to high-pitched weezing, and of course my frequent “BLEHEHEHEHEE!” and usually followed by “I didn’t make that noise”. Lets just say, I doubt my laugh was part of the reason my hubby was first attracted to me 🙂 . And I’m a slapper. Dont sit beside me for a funny movie without being prepared for a couple potential wacks. And when I tell a joke (usually not understood by anyone but my best friend), it is usually followed by a knee slapping (yes, I tell real knee slappers) and the head thrown back kind of laugh.

I make myself laugh just by reacting to my own laughs and seeing other people reactions to me. I know I look ridiculous and I don’t care cause it’s funny. We all need to be able to laugh at ourselves.


This is one of the songs that will forever be embedded into my head when I think of Nik. To be fair, it’s not the exact version we sing to each other in public, but still. What morbid children’s songs we have going in our society.

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CD2

The Red Lady came full force and I’m compensating with coffee. Surprisingly, I also slept last night. It was pretty nice, I have to say, and a bit of a shock after all my coffee and how bad my insomnia has been. Didn’t even need a sleeping pill but I can take them now for the next week and a half when I need to. I’m not sure if we’re going to be very active on the trying this cycle. I think we’ve downgraded to “if it happens…” for now. I just can’t stress myself about it right now. I’ve been feeling significantly better (mentally) as of late, but I’m still not feeling totally myself. This whole process is just so fracking traumatizing after so long. And I know that a few years isn’t really “so long”, but it sure feels like  life time to me.

I’d been considering going to a counsellor, finding someone that specializes in grief/ miscarriage/ fertility issues, but then I’ve been feeling better (or at least emotionally better) so I had been putting it off. Is there such thing as cheery denial depression? I can laugh, enjoy things, feel mostly content, but I can’t seem to deal with reality. I’ve been avoiding anything serious and keeping myself distracted at every minute to avoid reality otherwise that angry/ bitter/ sad  person surfaces. It took me a while to realize that I was feeling like I had gone through my miscarriages all over again, but I don’t know why. I was being bombarded with all those fresh style emotions all over, and very much like after my first miscarriage I’ve been uninterested in the outside world. I think the TTC stress just did me in and my lack of  “success” has snapped right back around to feel like another loss. I have no idea whether this is coherent to you or not, but it makes sense to me. Usually I just need to take the time (slightly longer than most it usually seems) to sort it out in my head and then I can figure things out from there. So now that I figured that out I’m hoping it will ease off.

So on a happy note…or more accurately, on a peaceful note…The weather is getting nice. I’ve got pussy willows sprouting like mad men on the tree in my back yard, always the first sign that winter is going away. We had a decent snow on Wednesday night and  when I decided to be productive at 3am (with the lack of sleeping and all) I took out the trash. I don’t dress seasonally…ever…so I was wearing a little sundress and my runners and I stepped outside to take the bags to the curb. I hadn’t really noticed the snow come, but there was a few inches just sitting there. It was so quiet and calm outside and I got halfway down my drive before I realized that I wasn’t cold. Well, minus a little chill from the snow getting in my shoes. But I was standing there at 3am in a sundress in the snow and it was warm and quiet. I couldn’t help but stand out there for a while and enjoy it. Have you ever had warm snow? Man I love chinooks.

Not that this is coming as a shock to you guys, but I’ll be cutting back here for a while…technically I’ve been cutting back for a while already, but I just need to not think about things for a bit. So I’ll be in and out of here at random for the next little while. Maybe I’ll tale a cycle off, I’ don’t know.

Hi guys!

So it’s 5am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. My hubby isn’t home (out of town) to yell at me for not going to bed and I can’t take my newly re-prescribed sleeping pills until The Red Lady actually makes a cameo. And the worst part is that I’m not even tired. Just snacky. But I don’t want to eat cause I might get tired, jump on the chance to go to bed, and then get super acid reflux cause from lying down post eating. Don’t that just suck? So I thought I’d say hi.

Hi guys!

lol.

Ok. maybe a bit tired, but the sleep isn’t here yet. If not in the next half hour or so I’ll just have to stay up until Monster goes to school at noon. The life of an insomniac.

It can’t possibly be much longer, right? I mean, my temp did drop this morning…yesterday morning? technically. So I should get it…today? Did I mention I just went with the “to hell with this crap” method and made me some Kona coffee today. And I hade two and a half cups. It was delightful.

My skin hates me

Seriously, it hasn’t been this bad since I was pregnant with my son. I feel like puberty has kicked back in full force to make up for the fact that my skin had been pretty decent over the last few years or so. But no more I guess. I got awful skin and no pregnancy to show for it (yes, I took an HPT today. NEGATIVE!???? get out of town!)

Ya, I’m on CD 32? I think it said 32 when I popped in my temp this morning. But I’m not caring enough to check again. And I’m kinda at the point still where I don’t care right now. I just need to not think about it. I don’t know how long it will last, but for the time being, I’m taking what I can get and less TTC stress is high on that “I’ll take it” list.

And my Hubby is fired, he’s mocking me in the other room. Ass 😉 lol.

I think I’m going to enjoy some fake wine, some real coffee, and maybe even a small amount of beer over the next while. And pause this baby nonsense (because I’m at the point where it’s not sensicle to me) and then I’ll just see what happens.

Oh, and my mother told me the other day that I just need to relax. “Dr’s used to tell men to just get their wives drunk”. Really, I just walked away. I couldn’t even dignify that with a conversation continuation. Maybe I should put more efforts into getting rid of my alcohol allergy (maybe shots at the allergists) so that I can just get drunk. lol.

The Scientist

Today is a day that, every year, I make a point of being with my friends. Today, eight years ago, one of my best friends passed away…on his birthday of all days. He wasn’t sick. He fell off a balcony. An ugly thing about this was that I saw it coming (as much as you can in these things). I remember telling him shortly after he moved into that apartment that he was going to fall off that balcony and die and I’d be really pissed at him. But of course you think that by saying these things you’ll officially stop them from happening, right? But that’s just not the case I guess.

Chris was such an amazing guy, and amazing boyfriend for a while, but even more amazing as my friend. And did I mention gorgeous? Classic ugly duckling syndrome. He never had a clue how beautiful he was inside and out. We dated for a short time, around 6? months, after I gave up pursuing him. Of course most of the time I just thought it was hysterical to go as far out of my way to make the shyest person I had met in a really long time talk to me and I loved flirting with him and seeing how red I could make him. When I came back to Canada after traveling post high school, I went out with my old cadet buddies (aka the friends that I keep no matter what it seems) and he’s a friend of theirs and we all go out dancing. Well, Mr. Shy took to calling me his “bitch” for the entire night and snuggling up to me (which for the record I found hilarious because I knew exactly how he ment it and it wasn’t in a rude fashion at all). Once I informed him that “only my boyfriend would be allowed to call me that” and he looked me straight in the eye with a shit-eating grin and said it again, I knew for certain that I’d finally broken this shy guy and stolen is affections.

But as great a time as we had together, we finally realized that we weren’t “forever” material for each other. One day I called him up and asked him to come over so we could “talk”. He showed up at my house shortly after with a box of all my stuff (well the stuff that he didn’t decide to keep it turned out) that I’d kept at his place. I took one look at it and burst out laughing at us being on the same page so clearly, gave him one last giant kiss, and invited him in to hang out for a while. Not the normal break up, hey? Well, we weren’t normal. For a little while all my buddies stopped calling me, feeling uncomfortable about the break-up and trying to show their support for Chris, not understanding that we were ok. But Chris kept calling me, kept bringing me out to hang with the guys and him so we could all bridge that gap together. He never left me out and after a while it was comfortable enough for us to hang out just the two of us again. And he always treated me great. How could I not love him? How could anyone not love such a fantastic person. And I’m really glad he knew how I felt about him. We spent the day together about three days before he died. I did his hair (he loved it when I’d streak it for him with blonds and red, very similar to what I added to mine actually) and of course I’d have to re-inform him about how some day I’d have a life-sized poster of him on my wall just cause he was so damn pretty. But for some reason as he was taking me home that night I had the burning need to tell him how much I loved him and how he was, along with being  one of my favorite people to walk this earth, one of the best friends I could have ever asked for. We made plans to get together for his birthday a few days later with all the friends and we went merrily our separate ways.

But on the morning of his birthday the phone rang at an ungodly early hour. Hubby (who at that point was Fiance) picked up the phone. He NEVER picks up the phone. Why did he this time? I can’t remember if he cried or if he was just stunned, but he got off and told me that Chris had died and I’d never been gutted so hard in my life. I don’t even remember the next few days except being with his family, and our friends, and putting together a memorial poster for the funeral. At the viewing, I completely broke. You ever held on to a corpse for dear life? Not pretty. Thats about all I remember other than after the funeral the next day, going to his parents and being with his family for a while (they are amazing, like him, and I became very close with them too), and then having a wake to make him proud. We had a toga party. Chris had always wanted a toga party.

I don’t remember what day it was in here, but I had another buddy take me to his apartment so I could collect a few things. I took the sweater that I gave him, I found a picute of our friends I’d made him, some pictures of us, and a few things he’d kept from when we were dating (like a McDonald’s happy meal Gandolph toy that I’d given him as a joke and he held on to even when he’d moved).

I cried so much in those days. And at my wedding it was just awful because I had wanted to ask him to stand up with me in the wedding party (his best friend was also my bridesman) but I’d never gotten around to asking him. And every year as this date approaches I get sad, but as time goes by I am able to look more at the great times we had, and even though I miss him incredibly, I know I don’t have the regrets I could have had, had I not taken that time to remind him how wonderful he was to me.

I love you Chris and I’m so proud to have you as the namesake of my son. If he can grow up to be half the man you were then he will be great. I’ll miss you always.

Now go and tell the people you love how important they are to you, because you want them to know.

p.s. I’ll just share a lesson that Chris learned so that you all don’t have the make the same mistakes. Berreo’s aren’t too bad, but scrambled eggs and chocolate chips are awful together.  😉

A productive member of society

Today was actually a decent day. I worked! can you believe it? I haven’t worked since early November. but today I happened to be able to take a shift and I put in my 12 hrs at the hospital.

I was a bit nervous seeing as it had been so long and as how I’ve been so scatter-brained lately, but it proved to be a good distraction for me. Maybe working more will help get me out of this funk better. I was so good to not be able to think about things for a good chunk of the day because I had to worry about meds and my patients and procedures and helping my partner when she needed me. I had a vomitter on one end and a pneumonia pt on the other that had taken off (or some how no longer had on) his oxygen and they kept me on my toes most day. All my people were great (as patients, if not so much in health) and I was reminded how much I love my job (yes even with the vomit). In the years (can’t remember how many which is bad cause I’m only 28) that I’ve done this work I’ve had less than a hand full of “bad” patients. My theory is that if I’m good and nice to them, they return that favor, and it’s been working all this time so why mess with a good thing. Not to say I’m a soft and sweet nurse, I’m all about tough love, but they always know it’s strong on the love side.

I’m looking forward to spring because not only does it bring better weather, but it bring Hubby home more, and more work for me. We made an agreement that I wouldn’t work out of town during the winter because of the off-chance that I’d get stuck in the city during a storm and Hubby doesn’t want me risking my neck in a storm just for some extra cash that we can live without. So since I can’t pre-book shifts in my town, almost ever, I really just never work in the winters. I’m a three season staff member I guess. But it’s not going to be much longer now and I’ll be able to be a casually(~4-8 days a month, lol) productive member of society again.

Sweetness

Just you try and sit still while you listen to this! A fusion of jazz and funk, its junk! 😉

So, I took a look and saw that I’m on CD 26. Previously I would have gotten all anxious thinking “today or tomorrow it is then”, but with the last two cycles continuously getting longer and my very unclear ovulation this month (I haven’t been keeping much track of it past my temps) seemingly later again, I could very well have another week. In fact, it’s more than likely that I do.

(pause to get the noodles)

I’m not entirely sure how this happened, but I realized the other day that my hubby had a pet name for me. He used to call me “dear” frequently and I think I just call him “hun” or “honey” but in all honestly, we really don’t refer to each other much at all. So when I noticed the other day that he called me “sweetness” and then realized that he’d been doing it for quite some time but I couldn’t recollect how long it had been, I couldn’t help but get a little mushy. We’re not mushy people, at least not conventionally mushy people. To us, a romantic date is tuna sandwiches and apple juice boxes while sitting on the floor. Maybe it’s not just what he says, but the way it comes out, which I can’t describe, but it just feels so damn sentimental when it comes out. Oddly personal.

(Pause to shovel more noodles in my mouth. Yes, I said shovel)

So I’m trying to figure out why, all of a sudden, I’m not seeming to stress about my looming visit from The Red Lady. Not that I’m complaining, more of an objective look at why I’m not getting emotional about this. Kind of like it’s happening to someone else. I can’t belive that I’ve just suddenly become all wise and calm and shit. Maybe I just got broke! Like how I used to be such an organization freak and when Hubby first moved in with me and my Mummy (back in the day) and I couldn’t get him to fold a towel right to save my life and one day I just snapped and stopped caring. You should see my house now, you’d NEVER guess that I used to be that way. I just can’t bring myself to care anymore about that stuff. So was my TTC breakdown a couple weeks ago the same kind of thing? I guess only time will tell.

*cough cough* pot and kettle

Oh, my goodness, what is with you crazy women? I don’t catch up on my blogs for a couple days and now I have 25 new posts to read! How self-centered of you all to just keep writing about yourselves so much (what do you mean I’m just as bad, never. *cough cough* pot and kettle). 😉

I’m feeling good today! not just not feeling bad, but actually good! Can you say the same? I hope you can. And just the fact that I feel light and humorous today…and sociable (I called my mom today just to say hi even, like a good daughter should…and she gave me heck for not calling to tell her I got home ok. 2 days ago, lol). I went over to see my friend Charity this morning and she scanned me through Netfix (which I now really want) and then we played on the playstation wii equivalent and she won my heart over again by playing archery and gladiators with me. My hammer (think Thor) was way more effective than her sword. Good laughs all round. Topped off with coffee (yes, I’m having a “fuck it” month and letting myself have the occasional coffee along with not keeping tract of anything more than my temps) and a bacon sandwich and ya, great morning! The only way it would be better would be if I could go out in my bikini and tan and the back yard.

And I had sex last night. And it wasn’t crappy ass “dr prescribed” sex, but fun “just cause we can” sex. So there. Better mood already 😉

Date night!

(Awesome song one of my girlfriends just introduced me to. If you’re not familiar with it, there is a certain amount of swearing.)

Sadly it wasn’t with my hubby, but when it’s with one of your best friends it the next best right? My friend B had called me up and requested my presence last week and I was able to find a sitter for yesterday (aka grandparents came back from Mexico). Since he is always willing to drop what he’s doing for me, it’s only right to return the favor. Plus I haven’t seen him in months. He’s got himself a lady friend and they are full force into the lovey-dovey stage. Apparently I’m the only one who hasn’t met her yet and the general consensus seems to be good. But I couldn’t help it when my friend R told me “you are going to absolutely love her”, my instant reaction was “oh, shit, she’s a dirty skank”. After a while I remembered that B doesn’t date dirty skanks, so now I’m just confused. R can’t possibly have figured out my taste in women, it’s the running joke that everyone he has ever said I’d love has been and dirty skank and I’ve hated them (hate’s a strong word, I don’t actually hate anyone, just have a strong aversion to). The only person he didn’t say that to me about was my lovely best friend N who is now his wife, and I couldn’t love her more. How many times can I say “dirty skank” in this post? hmmmmm.. lol.

On a side note: I promised I wouldn’t mention the “dirty skank” fear to her unless I decided that I liked her and after she got to know me and my humour. This is not out of character for me to be blunt with people and was a very valid point for B to raise.

So my hot date! lol, involved sitting around chatting (the only guy I’m really comfortable talking to about my miscarriage/ fertility issues), picking his brother up from the airport coming back from Amsterdam. I LOVE his brother, always have, and even more so because he crashed my wedding dressed up as a cowboy. I have a real soft spot for people that can amuse me. Then we visited with some friends for a short stint and he took me out for a lovely steak dinner (and paid! I think he was feeling guilty for not seeing me in so long. I got the hand slap when I reached for the bill). We planned on finishing the night with a movie, but figured we’d watch something on Netflix at his place but his brother was so jet lagged he couldn’t remember the password so we chatted and watched “wipe out” which is a bunch of silly people trying to get through obstacle courses and getting very wet/ muddy/ beaten in a humorous fashion. Good times. Now, if I could teach him how to braid my hair it would have been perfect.

It was good to have a pleasant distraction from all my TTC stress.

Bacon at the ready

You’re not going to believe it. I left my house today. For a social call. Social call? who says that? Why can’t I talk like a normal person? I made plans last night that I’d go over to see my friend and her kids and I was roused this morning by a crazy, bed-headed Monster with eyes bugging out of his head “WE CAN GO TO AUNTIE CHERRY’S NOW!!!!!”. This falls under the “go away and give me a second to wake up and then I’ll be excited with you”. But once I got up and going, I was excited. My first social visitation other than helping move D in over a month. I even made myself pretty. Hair down with a braid in the front, red lips, pretty dangly earings, bacon at the ready. You’d think I was going on a date. Oh, the bacon was because I was going to make her eggs benedict for lunch. I don’t frequent people houses carrying bacon…but maybe I’ll start just for the reaction.

It was so nice to see her again in a setting that didn’t require anything from either of us. For the most part we just cooked and chilled and played with her iphone trying to find different music to show each other. We have a date for Monday now too to go through her Netflix and watch us some BBC classics. I haven’t seen Wuthering Heights yet and she’s raving about it. I’m thinking maybe Emma too.

Hubby is back home again but he’s still sick. This seems to be the winter for us being ill. I don’t think all of us have been healthy at the same time since this summer. So he’s tucked into bed while I’m spending my night WHAT? reading no way!