Category: Miscarriage support


Fuck No

Worst wake up call.

I just found out this morning on the way to work and I am So fucking sorry. I’m crying like an idiot at work for her and everyone thinks there is something wrong with me. I wish I could make this better. I wish I could be with her right now. I wish we could just cry together and tell the world to fuck off for doing this to her and hold on to her until it all goes away.

I want to do something and I know that there is nothing that I can do.

Mo is just over 22 weeks pregnant and last night her water broke. Last I heard, they are giving it until morning with the hope and prayer that some water starts to replenish itself, but it’s not looking good. If not, they will have to induce.

I know she’s strong, but now is the time for us all to be strong for her. Please send her your thoughts and prayers by email if you have her email address or by commenting on her last blog post. She really needs us right now guys.

I love you Mo. I’m so sorry.

Venting methodes

CD how the hell would I know…somewhere in the middle?

Nice not to be tracking my own body and cycles like a stalker. Did you girls ever think of it like that? We have been our own personal stalkers. If we knew a quarter as many personal details of anyone else…we’d be creepy as hell. But it’s us, so we’re self-aware!

Self stalker/ self-aware

Determined/ stubborn as fuck

Potato/ potato (but said like a snobby english lady)

I got side tracked. My intention here is to talk about venting methods for frustration/ anger (mostly anger…you guys know me, lol)/ anxiety…you know. All those emotions we try to bottle up. Especially if you are a man (which the largest majority here are not, but if you are here then there was a man or man parts involved). Ok, maybe not especially men, but anyone who deals with stuff like a man…aka me.

So, I promised to keep you guys updated so you could hopefully benefit from my therapy…that just sounds fucked up when written down. During our last counselling session, after Hubby told A (super nice lady BTW) my labor story and she looked like she’d need to change her pants after laughing so hard, we focused on venting. You all know how big I am on venting! And now it’s not just me that’s saying Hubby needs to find an appropriate method of doing so.

He doesn’t like any of my suggestions. You guys remember my style of suggestions? Nearly all physical, nearly all involving hitting things. No, it’s not unhealthy! I’m not hitting anything that can’t take it…or is needed. So I’m going to list my suggestions and see if you guys can come up with a way of A) convincing Hubby that it’s not a bad idea B) alternatives that Hubby may not mind or C) praise my general state of +5 to awesome. I supposed there could be a D) something else I didn’t think of.

  • Smashing thinks we pick up at garage sales (but not at the garage sale itself, they may call the cops) like TVs, desks, large random items, etc.
  • Darts. Fun and simple and you only end up with a tender shoulder the next day.
  • Throwing plasticine. You roll it into balls and throw it at the wall as hard as you can. It makes a large splat and if you use different colors then it looks pretty too!
  • Screaming. Potentially cursing whilst screaming. Just do this in a space that you’re not scaring others or have them join in. group scream therapy.
  • Good old-fashioned hitting your mattress with a stick (make it a padded stick cause if you hit hard enough it rebounds and you might take it in the face, lol)
  • Shooting range – expensive but OOOHHHHHHH it’s s nice to shoot things. You’d never know it, but even though I am a great shot, LOVE to shoot and love wild meat…I need someone else to get Bambi for me. I stick to the inanimate objects.
  • My all time favorite. Fantasizing the most ridiculous situations and laugh your anger away. You guys remember my desire to sit in a garbage can at the end of my driveway and jump out growling at anyone the came by? We all know I’m nuts on the inside. Nothing new there. Humor, to me, is the all time best stress relief.

The counsellor tried to suggest journalling, but that falls under the “no way in hell” of him doing. We have a weight bench, but it’s never been touched (I’m a cardio girl) and he’s not ambitious enough to take up running. So, can you lovely ladies think of anything else that might do? Creative or super simple doesn’t matter.

She may or may not have also told me I have to practice leaving the house more…

What if I like being a hermit? Doesn’t it count if I’m just content at home now instead of avoiding the world?

Therapy

CD 4 …and that no longer means anything here.

Starting tomorrow I will officially be back on birth control and I’m planning on using this asstastic event to bring on the bright side. I’m going to experiment to see if I can drink, lol. Ya, the girl with the alcohol allergy wants a drink. BUT, I actually had a glass of wine at my girlfriends house the other week, a WHOLE glass of wine, which I haven’t been able to do since I was a teen (pre developing allergies to everything under the moon). So I’m going to get a bottle of wine, make sure Hubby is near by in case things go to the shitter (lol, pun intended) and then see if I can have two glasses! I figure since I’m so unfamiliar with alcohol that it would be enough to make me tipsy and we’ll find out if I’m a friendly or belligerent festive participant. Hey, I’ve got to have something to do, right? What do you mean we don’t normally encourage drinking?

So today Hubby and I went to our first therapy session. It was a basic intro in which she found out our basic family info, support network, pregnancy history, and how each of us has dealt with the miscarriages. For me, it was all stuff I’ve talked about before. For Hubby, it was stuff that we’ve touched on and I’ve figured that he’s dealing (or lack there of) with, but it was so good just to hear him say the things. Not that they were particularly nice to hear, but to get them out in the open so we could each know where the other stands.

The main thing that caught my attention when she was talking with Hubby, was the constant use of the word “trauma”. I’ve read with you guys that PTSD seems to be a lot more common than I’d ever dreamed of in our circumstances. And listening to them made me wonder if Hubby didn’t seem to be suffering something similar. And thinking on it, it wouldn’t be surprising. He not only lost two babies with me, but during our last miscarriage he watched me become so critical, so fast, that our local hospital panicked. He finally let it be said that he’s afraid that another pregnancy will result in me dying. This is what I’d been thinking he was going through, but that he hadn’t come right out and said. So now it’s out there and we both know what’s really going on.

All in all, it was a good chat, but still an intro chat. We’re booked to go again in three weeks (that’s how his schedule works with his job) and she gave us some stuff to read. Now I just have to make sure he gets to it.

I think it’s pretty obvious that I’ve had songs on the brain the last couple days. Music it what I use when I’m not so much needing to escape reality, but to express it, or have a good bawl, or even just bring myself back to a place that a certain song/ album/ artist reminds me of. Like listening to Lisa Loeb makes me think of comfortable winters curled up in my bed. Or Smashing Pumpkins Mellon collie & the infinate sadness makes me think of jumping on my bed and dancing around with a great friend at night in the dark with my twinkle lights on. And Classical music makes me think of making out in the back seat of my friends car (It’s drove my buddy nut, but I just liked to bug him by calling it make-out music and I had to stick to my guns, lol)

After my second miscarriage I was looking for music that I could relate with, that would help me express what I was feeling and one of the songs that really jumped out at me was by Joe Purdy. I’d never even heard of the guy before, but because of this song I’m a big fan.

I just can’t seem to get it right today, I guess I’m going to give up. These words reminded me that I don’t need to get it right. Why should I try and make things right for others when I was the one that lost a child. I stopped caring what others thought and decided that I’d get better in my own time. I gave up trying to “get it right” and I instantly felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders.

I ended up developing an “F you if you can’t deal with me greiving” attitude and then I cried whenever I wanted to and didn’t feel like I needed to suck it up and put on a brave face. It was really the best thing that could have happened. That was when I realized that people need to talk about this. No more taboo for me. I wanted to reach out to others in my position and I wanted them to be able to know they were not alone. More than just a book they could read or a self help style cd, but someone they could actually communicate with that would talk back. Even when we want to talk, sometimes we can’t talk to those close to us and we just need someone that knows and has been there. And talking to strangers feel strangly safe.

So to those of you that I talk/ blog/ chat with or to the ones that are just reading and are not ready to put themselves out there…don’t worry about getting it “right”. Do whatever it is that feels right.

And on an unrelated note,  just another of his songs that I love

MOPS miscarriage

I find that people don’t seem to remember that miscarriage and fertility issues affect those that have  children. I figure that they think (unless they have been though it) that if you’ve had a child, you can have more, or that if you have a child, you will have gotten over your miscarriage(s) because you have a baby. Being part of my local MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group I look around at all the women and think “I know I’m not the only one suffering here” but what am I going to do. “ok ladies, everyone that has had a miscarriage / stillbirth/ loss shortly after birth / or infertility issues come here right now so we can talk and grieve and console each other”. YA RIGHT! who am I to say that they have to grieve any differently than they are. I don’t know these women personally, and standing up and saying “ok everyone, this is what I have suffered and if you want to talk I am here” isn’t enough (not to mention not very effective in  a group of near strangers…and a bit embarrassing). So i requested  when they were looking for meeting idea’s for this year, what about a meeting on miscarriage/ pregnancy loss. And the Woman that heads our group made it happen. And that day was today.

I was so devastated to wake up and see that the weather had only gotten worse over night. We had been hit by a decent blizzard a couple days ago and the roads are AWEFUL. top that off with it being the first snow of the year and people haven’t built up their winter driving comfort yet. I was expecting that almost no one would come to our meeting this morning. I also realized the good old “how is my dinky car going to make it out of the driveway?”. But luckily I have this angel friend that called me up just after I thought of this and asked if I might like a ride there. So we shoved the three car seats in the back and thanked God for her Envoy. I must say that Charity is really earning her name today because I would have been so devastated if I had missed this. when we arrived, no one was there. Seriously. Not a single mom there that doesn’t organize the meetings. I was crushed in the “saw it coming” kinda way. But when I took our kids down to the nursery and came back, we suddenly had some moms. In the end there were more than I expected would brave the roads. so Yay for that!

The woman was great. You could tell she was passionate about what she does. She did a presentation on pregnancy related grief and through in ones that I hadn’t even thought about like post adoption grief (for the mother giving up the child). I think her specialized areas are post adoption and post abortion but she was great with all the other topics. I think that it would have been a good session for couples to go to as well. She really got into the grieving stages and the male vs female  grieving. I guess that the reason that I liked her so much was that she was saying the same stuff and more that I say to anyone talking to me about their loss. Things like “it’s ok to be angry with God, he can take it”  and find something physical to do to let out your anger and frustration. she suggested running, beating us your mattress, going to a thrift store and buying a bundle of dishes that you can smash at the recycling center. It was very close to my “go to a garage sale and buy an old tv, take it in you garage and find a bat” suggestion. but another favorite from my teen years was to roll up plasticine and throw it at my walls (it made a great splat and they would stay there untill I took them down…use multi colors and stay away from mirrors).

My favorite was that she went into the “things not to say” that are the typical responses that just make us feel worse. I have a post of “what not to say to someone after miscarriage” that I’d found on another site, and I really wish I could blow it up, make it into fliers, email it to the world, and make it into a t-shirt. Actually the last suggestion is one I may do…even though my poor mother may pass out if I came by wearing it. My older brother and I have a thing about saying what makes others too uncomfortable to hear but is just honest reality, or as my Gramma would put it, we’re “shit disturbers” or “SD”‘s as she shortened it to later on, and my mother is not a fan of confrontation. Poor mommy, three children all getting my fathers stubborn, shit disturbing, twisted humour. I must say she takes it pretty well.

She also talked about you guys. In an indirect way, you guys are my “safe people to talk to”. People that you know understand and are compassionate, that you can say what you need to say and they wont think you’re a horrible person because they have been there. If I drank, I’d give you a toast. but HERE HERE! to all you wonderful women that understand what we all wish we didn’t.

Many people are familiar with “Day of the dead”  celebrated in Mexico November 2nd,  but I’ve been informed of another day that strikes a special chord with me. November 1st is “Day of the little angels” or “Day of the Innocents” . It is the day that people honor deceased children and infants. I never knew such a day existed untill a few days ago and I figured that means many others aren’t familiar with this day either. I thought it was so amazing that Mexico has a day dedicated to our babies, but then I had to wonder even more why this isn’t celebrated everywhere? A day where we are expected to be focusing on the babies we’ve lost and remember them. Too often it feels that people want us to be done with our grieving and to move on as though it wasn’t majorly devastating event. We may be able to get on with our lives, but we will never be able to “get over it”. It’s with us forever, and it should be. Why would we forget our children?

So we should all take a little time tomorrow and honor the memories of the babies we’ve lost.

 

http://pregnancyloss.info/

Never say……

    (they want this baby! also..maybe they cant have another…)Also this comment is often very offhand…

  • 2. “Now you have angel looking after you” (they didnt want an angel-they want their BABY back!)
  • 3.”its for the best” (How?The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!)
  • 4.”At least you didnt know your baby!”(whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was REAL!)
  • 5.”There must have been something wrong” (with me? why?)
  • 6.” Did you do something you werent supposed to do?”(inflicts guilt/how could i have done this to my baby!?)
  • 7.”Have you ever thought of NOT having children!?”(well yes probably!I know i might never be a parent….)
  • 8.”Be grateful for the children you have!”(I am but I still need to mourn the one i have lost!)
  • 9.”It wont happen again”(I never thought it could happen..and to some unlucky people it does happen again!)
  • 10.””Be brave,dont cry”(why not!!!?)
  • 11.”Get on with your life,this isnt the end of the world!”(right now it IS)
  • 12.”You should be over it be now!”( why!?This is not something you just ‘get over’)
  • 13.”Youre young, you’ll get over it” (what does age have to do with pain!?)
  • 14.”Time will heal” (Time will make the pain easier to bear yes,but that is no help at the moment…)
  • 15.”At least it wasnt older” (it still matters and it still HURTS!)
    (In general best not to start with “at least”..it can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.)
  • 16.”It was Gods will”
    …”God wanted him/her with him”
    …”God needed another flower in his garden” AND so on!

 

http://angiealexander.tripod.com/whatnotsay.html

In the last two years, I have suffered two miscarriages. I find I’m amazed when people say things like “it’s so uncommon” and “you never heard of this happening when I was younger”. People are so unaware of how often miscarriages happen and how much people suffer when going though one. It is so much worse when they have no one to related to, no one that they can talk to who can empathize and not just sympathize. I dont want Miscarriage to be a taboo subject anymore. We have lost our children and we need the support of people who can understand that.