Tag Archive: Trying again

CD 4-5, I’m counting it as 5 since there was a whole hour of Wednesday included.

I was planning on posting a while ago. I was going to say that I’d given up on my journey and I was simply trying to make the best of what I have and stop focusing on what I wished I had. I turned my nursery into a computer room and took out everything baby related (minus the change table because it’s busy holding up the fish tank right now). I decided to try and work on my body, get it to where I want it (yes, small butts can still sag) and start buying clothes that are not based on how well they expand or cover a belly.

I’ve actually been pretty happy since I decided to give up on this. We all know that this doesn’t mean that I don’t want more, just that I was taking it out of my hands and putting it into the hand of Mo‘s big giant Spaghetti Monster in the sky. Hubby and I were just doing our thing and focusing on us, our sex life (which we’ve been spicing up, with no thanks to “sex for dummies” I’ll have you know.)

Then I got me a sponsor child. It’s all my chocobuddy’s fault since the little girl stood out for having the same name as her and it was the little girls birthday that day. I couldn’t resist. But that also brought up adoption in my mind again and I told Hubby that we needed to make a decision. Either we hop back on the wagon trying to acquire a child in some fashion or other, or we decide that we’re closing the family off at the three of us. I don’t want Monster to hit 10 and then have to start all over again. He’s going to be 5 in December and already I’d rather adopt a 3-year-old to close the age gap and give Monster a sibling he can actually play with.

As receptive as Hubby originally was to the idea of adoption, he’s really not keen on it right now. He says that he really wants another that is biologically his and I think he figures that going for adoption is us saying that we’re not going to try anymore. It’s not the case, but that’s how he feels. He started pushing for IVF but I’m not keen on that idea since it doesn’t have a great success rate and we don’t know that that is really appropriate for us. We’ve had 3 pregnancies and lost two. It’s been 2.5 years since my last pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s the getting pregnant or staying pregnant that is the biggist issue, really.

So we settled on the middle ground. Clomid. We’re going to give it another round of active trying with all the accessories…or, most of the accessories. Fuck taking my temp every morning. We’re going to have lots of frequent sex and I’m going to monitor my CF and the rest should take care of itself. I’m not taking on the stress of über tracking right now. My CF keeps me very up to date as to when I should be ready (smelling oddly sweet and needing to carry extra panties for when I soak through the first). What? TMI? Haven’t you been to this page before? 😉

So that’s where I’ve ended up. Today I took my first dose of clomid. Am I going to turn into a crazy hormonal woman? I wasn’t when I was pregnant, so I can’t see it happening, but who knows.

I’m scared a bit, but mostly I’m not taking in the reality of it. Maybe I’ll get pregnant. Maybe there will be more than one. Maybe I’ll lose multiple babies. Maybe it will hit me when I’m due for The Red Lady. I’m sure now that if I lose another, I’m not planning on walking into this situation again. Maybe absolutely nothing will happen. That would be…anticlimactic.  Anticlimactic really isn’t all that bad considering other possible alternatives.

It’s a bit of a turn around from giving up.

CD 16 (don’t read if you are on a need to know basis only)

So I’m on day 16 and I have ovulated day 14 on the dot  for the last few cycles, normally very obvious with the signs (high, soft, ++CM), but not this time. Whats up? So, day 15 I get my first +OPK with high and soft but where is all that CM? And today I’m med, med, and dry. So I should have ovulated last night right? annoying. The time I finally have my hubby available around ovulation and I don’t know what my body is doing. And my temps have been great this month too, low and steady. I’m really hoping that everything is going to do it’s business even though I’m in doubt.

And in order to distract me from myself this morning my son had orange crap draining from his ear. I love a ruptured ear drum! And YAY for a 2 hr wait in the walk-in clinic (but could have been much worse). I just finished with his last run of antibiotics on Tuesday.

Merry Christmas!

Day 25

Ok, i’m day 25 in my cycle. Last time I was pregnant I got a positive on this day…but I was also on a 25 day cycle at that point….But I also should have ovulated around that same point as I still am now…

I’m so impatient. But i honestly don’t think I’d be pregnant, what with the issues that me and Hubby were having earlier in my cycle. I had one chance before I ovulated and that was it. And I keep crying for no reason and I’m feeling pretty tired again (not quite pre acupuncture, but definitely noticeably less umph that the beginning). But all this can easily be explained by the fact that the extra stress of trying is making me cry more (I have to say more because I always cry for no reason…often during cartoons theme song…danm that “my friend rabbit” lol, but this is still an increase from my normal crazy) and as far as tired it could just be that I’ve leveled out. Before it was such a jump to feel good that I was bouncing off the walls. Why can’t we just ovulate, find out if we’re pregnant and then move on to the next cycle (if we’re not). I hate this waiting.

HAHAHA!!! I just got a call from my dr (didn’t expect that but he’s always welcome) to tell me that my progesterone is at 29 this time round (versus the 7.5 last cycle) YAY!!! not that it means I’m pregnant, but that if I was my progesterone wouldn’t be a problem right now. I love my Dr!!! I’ve never had one call me at home to give me results and check up on me untill him. Best Dr Ever.

I managed to get into my dr today to discuss what happened at my fertility specialist appointment. I was glad to hear that he was happy to monitor my progesterone for me for however long  I want and was a bit confused about the specialist thinking it wasn’t important. He was sure that when I because pregnant that she would start doing so, but why the heck would I wait untill I know I’m pregnant, call for an appointment, wait the few weeks untill the appointment, get labs done, and THEN find out if there is an issue (and then wait to get a prescription). At that rate it may already be too late. I could be 2 months pregnant by the time anything is being taken care of. It’s already been found that my progesterone was too low, so it’s not like I’m just reaching for random things here. I had an entire weekend of fixating on this, not in an anxiety fashion, but in a “what the hell is she thinking?” fashion. I wish she had just explained it to me.  Is she indirectly monitoring something to do with my progesterone (not according to my family dr), did she think it wasn’t important because she thought the cause was something else? (even so she should monitor it because it is a legitimate cause of miscarriage), or does she have some other plan going on?

I’m the kind of person that doesn’t react too much about things at first and then they fester, so over time I get more and more angry/ frustrated/ hurt….. But at least I’m not just sitting around. I’m now sticking with the hands on assertive approach. It prevents wallowing at least. Is it going to be a problem  if I asked for a different fertility dr? I’m told that there are 5 in the clinic, but I don’t want to burn my bridges before I even get going with them or get a bad rep. What do you guys think? you ever had this issue? I can’t stand dr’s that ignore what I’m saying and don’t explain anything to me in a way that I can get it (and get obviously irritated when I keep asking questions). It makes me want to kick them in the chin.

Dye in my uterus!

so my hubby and I had our first appointment with the fertility dr yesterday. She seems pretty nice but I was confused with some of the things that she was saying and she went through everything very fast. One thing that confused me was when I told her about my progesterone last cycle she said “well you never know where you are in a cycle so it’s not relevant”…how not? If I’m seeing her for recurrent losses and we know my progesterone was low and that can cause miscarriages then why is that not something to monitor?

What she did say was that due to the abnormally high amount of miscarriages in my family that I may have something called a balanced translocation. I asked her three times and still don’t understand what this means. I tried googling it at work later and am still confused, so I think it’s going to be my monday afternoon searching project (or maybe Tuesday because Monster will be at preschool).

She is sending me for a whack of tests and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. My hubby was feeling pretty irritated at having to do a semen analysis again untill he saw what I was going to have to and then he decided he had it pretty easy. Nothing like having to get dye shot up your uterus for an x-ray to make your hubby rethink his part. And we’re going to be getting the chromosome testing…which appearantly take 6 months to get the results for. so much stuff. I don’t want to wait. I want to know now!

the power of venting prayer

Is venting like praying?

Have you ever noticed that when something has gone really wrong or is consuming all your attention with stress and upset that when you talk about it, just let it all out, it either doesn’t seem to bother you nearly as much or just kinda fixes itself? Seriously. This has happened to me so many times in my adult life that this of all thing has me questioning the power of letting it out, or prayer, in a sense. I’m not a christian, but I’m the strangest you will find in the secular community.

I was raised in a Lutheran home with the idea (not sure where the communication erred) that God was just a nice story we tell ourselves to make us feel better. Kind of like Santa and Peter Pan. I specifically remember as a small child at church thinking “Do the actually believe this?”. What little kid doesn’t believe what they have been told by their family? But I never did. As an adult, I’ve attended some churches sporadically and taken religious studies in college (I have still always had an interest in religion) but when I moved a little over 2 years ago to my little town and checked out the local alliance church I decided to start attending their weekly womans bible study. Part of this was to meet people and have something to do, but I also really enjoy the educational aspect of it. The all know about me, and not a single one has ever made me feel unwelcome. Just the opposite. I’ve more or less challenged them to convert me (I honestly wish they could) and these super nice women are giving it a go. Actually, everything I do in this town is pretty much through that church. My bible study, my book club (we don’t specifically read christian books), and my MOPS group. Not to mention that the lovely girl I spend most of my social time with in town was  introduced to me at a women’s ministry night and she’s pretty much turned into my security blanky. Charity is a great friend.

I have prayed many times for a secular person. Most of the time it’s out of desperation in a bad situation, but not always. I pray for faith. I’ve been doing this directly for 2 years now and indirectly for my whole life. I want to believe that there is a God that I can rely on to take the burden off myself. I want to be able to just say I believe and go from there, but if I do that I’d just be lying and trying to fool myself. You ever wonder about the “if you say something enough times you will eventually start to believe it” thing. I’ve thought about just taking the time and trying to persuade myself that I believe, but it would be a lie. I want the faith, but not pretend faith.

So back to my original question then, is venting like praying? I’ve always been told that God knows our heart, what we want, and our thoughts, but that when you pray it should be out loud. Like in one of the Narnia books (the magician and his nephew) Aslan sends the kids off to fetch the golden apple and the boy later realizes he has no food with him. He wonders why Aslan didn’t offer some to take with on his journey and the horse tells him I’m sure he knew,”but I think he likes to be asked”. So like praying, it’s best to ask outright and out loud, not just thinking about it. And venting is out loud even though I haven’t attached the “father God” formalities to it.

Yesterday I was a wreck (anyone reading my last post knows that) and when I attended my bible study I spent more time trying not to cry than paying attention and one of the women there, she’s got some sort of hawk eye for me when things are crappy and she (more or less cornered me, lol) asked if I was ok and what could she do to help. If I believed in God, I’d have to say he’s chatting with her about me because she even called me right after my last miscarriage to check in (she had never called me before and I didn’t even know she had my number). I think her mission before she moves away is for me to know God loves me, can’t help but love her for it. I didn’t tell her what my problem was, just that it was baby issues (or lack there of…these ladies are generally familiar with my problems here). Now apparently she’s a hard prayer. Praying hard and praying often. And she’s been praying for me for a long time (and I have a feeling has just kicked it up a notch).

When my hubby came home last night he sat me down and said he’d been doing a lot of thinking. He was still scared of getting pregnant again and what it would do to me if we lost another child (possible physical complication in addition to the mental). It doesn’t help that last time I was rushed by ambulance into the city when I stumbled into my local emerg hemorrhaging like it was going out of business.  So he’s scared for me, but he said he realized that if he’s so scared for me, he should be more afraid of what I am afraid of, and that is of not having more / not trying again. so he said ok. So TTC is back on! I love my hubby so much for how he feels about me, and especially for putting it aside to give us another chance.

So maybe someone is hearing my “prayers”

I’m devastated. I can’t help but feel this way and yet technically nothing has happened.

When I asked my hubby if he was good for me to go off birth control and he said yes, that told me that he was ready. That and before hand he had told me that it was just a matter of when I was going to be ready. So I thought that he was. I guess really, he thought that he was. So as sexy as it is to say “hey hunny, I’m ovulating”, I try to keep that as a last resort. And I know he hasn’t been feeling good and is really run down from work so I’ve been using those excuses to avoid what I thought the real problem is. How can we possibly say we are trying when I can’t get my husband to have sex with me? Last month, it was seriously a struggle. I had to pull out all the stops and still, most of the time he was turning me down. So after I ovulated, I just gave up trying. But now, as my body is primed and ready my hubby is running the other direction. Yes, he wants more kids. Yes, he likes sex (at least in theory at this point).

All this started with a question I raised last night, “what do you think about taking the crib down?”. No. plain and simple. He said that if we take it down we are giving up. At first I thought he was saying that if we take it down he’s not willing to try again (the heels are about to dig in and a bit of a fit is coming on) but then I realized that he was saying that by taking it down he feels like it means we are giving up the idea of having more. like, “this is it for us”. And he’s not ok with that (obviously). But to me, I’m looking at that crib every day, empty (well, empty of a baby, it’s stashing my telescope), and all I can think of when I see it is what I’m missing. My miscarriages never overlapped due dates. I should have three children right now. And here I am staring at this reminder feeling like having it there is jinxing me. We really couldn’t have more opposite views of it.

So last night after turning me down yet again, he curls me up and say “I’m just too scared”. So I now realized that I may have moved onto being more afraid of not having more children than I am of the possibility of loosing them, But he hasn’t. He never really dealt with either loss. never talked about it other than listening to me, never cried except to see me hurting, and the only thing he really felt was anger. It surprised me that he was finally out of the anger/ denial in order to think about it enough to be scared. Not to say that I expect my hubby to be strong and solid all the time, but he’s been avoiding dealing with it for so long that I’d given up trying to get him to. But the problem  is that now he’s so afraid of loosing another child and what it does to me (don’t we all wish we could take the pain for our loved ones) that he can’t have sex with me. And not just when I’m ovulating because he can’t separate it in his mind. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it again. I know that this isn’t him trying to hurt me, or not wanting more kids or not finding me attractive, but God it hurts. He didn’t say this but I know when he thinks of having sex with me all he can think of is dead babies. And I know it’s not rational or accurate, but I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. And I feel like my chance has been taken from me.

I know, now doesn’t mean never. But not only is it hard for me to get pregnant, but to stay pregnant, and how many opportunities will I get. Some people get pregnant when you look at them funny, not I. and I’m so scared to wait, to have it put off longer. But I can’t not respect my hubby’s feelings (even if I didn’t actually need his assistance here) so that means that it’s off. trying has been postponed. I’m not upset with him for feeling the way he does, but I’m trying not to be mad about him not figuring this out before I went off my birth control (I know, you can’t choose when things will hit you). I just feel rejected and empty.

My uterus tea

So, an update on the tea. This mix is supposed to build up that there uterus. It’s one of the better tasting ones according to my acupuncture lady, which, really, it’s not awful. On the other hand, it’s not great. It has a sweetness to it, but the main taste is kinda fungusy. Kinda like mixing dry mushrooms and goji berries (i know, doesn’t sound great). I’ve been adding extra goji berries into the tea to help assist with the flavor (makes it much better) and I’ve left a message with my lady to see if that’s a big no-no or not. I’m hoping it’s all good seeing as she told me that having the goji berry tea would be good for me every day. She should get back to me this morning sometime. I’m having to take two scoops twice a day (they are very tiny scoops) for a week and a half. Other than that, I just have to guard it from my son who keeps climbing on the counter trying to see what’s inside. Apparently showing him wasn’t good enough. I’m going to walk into the kitchen and find this stuff sprinkled over everything at some point.

On another note about my acupuncture, I’m still migraine and head ache free and I’m starting to feel normal temps (or at least a little closer). Not a hot flash to be found, and I’m starting to feel when it’s cold in my house (rather than just bundling up my son and strutting in shorts and a tank top). And I’m starting to sleep shorter hours and feel more rested. Pretty good perks I’d say.

Well below

I went to the Dr on Monday trying to be proactive about my fertility (and maybe a little paranoid some may say) but I had decided that I’m not waiting around anymore. At the first sign of anything, or if I have any questions now, I’m just strolling on in (in the “make an appointment” sense). I can’t help but wonder if the staff thinks I’m nuts seeing me (non-sick me) there three times in the last three weeks. I printed off my fertility chart as it was so far this month and brought it in. I showed him, and explained what I was doing, and told him that I think my progesterone levels are too low and asked him to do blood work. This was day 24 and I know it’s supposed to be a day 21 test, he said it would still be fine. I was sent for the test and told to come in at lunch the next day so he could give me the results and tell me if I was pregnant. Pregnant? I’m wasn’t due for a week? but he said that the blood work will still show already way before the home tests can. So then I have that extra little nervous of I’m going to find out if I had any luck this month.

I didn’t tell my hubby about the pregnancy test (mostly because I was sure that it would be negative but also because I didn’t want him to see my wishful thinking stressiness). So the next day (yesterday) after dropping my son off for his FIRST DAY of PRESCHOOL! (big step, I’m sad/ excited) I ran off to the Dr’s office. In my little room the door opens, his head pops in, he stares at me for a sec “good, keep reading, I can’t find it” and he’s off again. After about 15 minutes he’s back in with a not very pleased look. “I found it, it’s still at the lab, and I cant get the results untill it goes to the city”. So as a “just in case”, he gives me a prescription for progesterone (which he had been planning on doing anyways when we were going to start trying again) and promised to call me when he got the results, even if there was nothing to report. No word all yesterday and if I hadn’t been so sure of a double negative answer, I’d have been more impatient.

This morning I get a private call (thinking it’s my in-law’s) and hear an unexpected young man’s voice talking about a big line up (???) so I laugh and tease the stranger. Pretty sure I had him very confused. At least he knew my voice cause he jumps right into “you’re not pregnant”. So now I realize it’s my dr, and then comes the “Buuuttttt, your progesterone levels are well below what they should be. 7.5 (honestly this ment nothing to me). Looking them up now, at that point they should have been above 15. so ya, “well below” is accurate. But since I’m not pregnant, no point in the progesterone so I’m supposed to just hold onto it for the next cycle. And during my next cycle, I’ll have gotten into the fertility specialist.

So that’s two downers. But on the positive note, If my miscarriages were due to my progesterone being too low, at least that give us something to work with.

Yay for the uterus!

I went back for my second appointment this morning.  I have to say that I’m already encouraged to keep seeing this woman. I can’t say that my sleep has gotten drastically better (or that I’ve really noticed a change at all), but I have officially gone a week without a migraine or headache!!!! That is so amazing for me. And I’ve been feeling pretty good for the last few days especially. I don’t know if that is an acupuncture side effect, or just the sub-side effect of going so long without wanting to cut out the right side of my head. I’m loving whatever she’s done.

So this time going in, no panic attack, no hyperventilating, no “am I going to faint?”. I was cool as a cucumber. yay for having gotten past the scary part. I trust her now. But of course now she wants to get a bit more “vigorous” with the needling. Instead of the 5 Barbie needles of last time she used the next size up, 3 in each leg, 1 in each hand, 1 over my uterus (yay for the uterus!), and the 1 on top of my head again. So 10 today. Working on getting my blood flowing (especially to that there uterus) and on Wednesday I’m picking up some lovely (likely gag worthy) tea to help build it all up down there. To be honest, I understand none of this chi and essence talk, so I’m not able to pass on all the proper details of what she says she’s doing, but I’m just going with it. And hey, if I ever think “is this really doing anything?” I need only take notice of this non-crippled head of mine.

oh, and, not a hot flash in a week either!