Archive for October, 2010

Many people are familiar with “Day of the dead”  celebrated in Mexico November 2nd,  but I’ve been informed of another day that strikes a special chord with me. November 1st is “Day of the little angels” or “Day of the Innocents” . It is the day that people honor deceased children and infants. I never knew such a day existed untill a few days ago and I figured that means many others aren’t familiar with this day either. I thought it was so amazing that Mexico has a day dedicated to our babies, but then I had to wonder even more why this isn’t celebrated everywhere? A day where we are expected to be focusing on the babies we’ve lost and remember them. Too often it feels that people want us to be done with our grieving and to move on as though it wasn’t majorly devastating event. We may be able to get on with our lives, but we will never be able to “get over it”. It’s with us forever, and it should be. Why would we forget our children?

So we should all take a little time tomorrow and honor the memories of the babies we’ve lost.

First thing I have to say it that I am…casually terrified of needles. Great at giving them, but don’t you bring that thing towards me unless you want to see me cry…like a bit of a sissy. hey, we all have our quirks. And at least I have the legitimate reason that as a child getting blood work done, it always went wrong. Anywhere from techs that REALLY suck at what they are doing, veins nearly bursting, needle in (and you can see it’s in the vein) but no blood coming out, having to be stabbed a billion times for one vial, and twice TWICE I’ve had needle break after insertion! And when these things happen and they don’t get what they want, they make you come back later to be tortured again (once you’ve relaxed some).

So when my girlfriend calls me up to say she heard about acupuncture to help fertility I wasn’t very keen on the idea. After her harassing me (a lot) i figured I’d at least look it up. To my surprise, there was actually stuff about acupuncture for miscarriage prevention – one link is below. Ok, this has my attention, but I still don’t want to do it. It helped that I had that handy (yet kinda flimsy) excuse of not being able to take my toddler to an appointment with me in the city since I don’t currently have a babysitter. Yet she kept on it (she can be very persistent at times).

Then the other day I get a call from her, “guess what we’ve just got in town?”. I was really hoping she’d say a shoe store. “we have an acupuncturist starting at one of the chiropractor offices”. 4 chiropractor offices and no shoe store. So then she gives me the lack of excuse “you book an appointment and I’ll babysit”.

When this all started a few months ago, I wasn’t even ready to start trying to get pregnant again. But now I am, and like I said in a previous post, I’m willing to try about anything to make it work. But I’m REALLY not good with the idea of somebody coming at me with a crap load of needles! And then my mom laughed at me (ok, so I’ve laughed at her too at times). But SHE KNOWS my fear! And I understand, it’s irrational, very little bad has happened to me with needles as an adult. And the few people I’ve talked to about this have all told me that it’s no big deal and you can barely feel it and have really encouraged me to try it out. Even with my parents, husband and friend urging me on I’m still really nervous. But it’s booked, so I’m going. Seriously though , I’ve been dreaming about it at night, not a good start. Who’s going to hold my hand while I get stabbed? lol.

Ovulation strips

It became pretty well-known at work (where I very seldom happen to be d/t being an at home mom) that I REALLY want more children. And living in a small town, they tend to pay a little closer attention. I’d get frequent “you pregnant yet”, and “are you still trying” and then the really fun “I thought you were pregnant when i saw you last?”. These people had (some unknowingly) seen me through 2 miscarriages and a lot of tying. But one of my coworkers suggested ovulation strips. Are you kidding? those cost a fortune (I’d never be able to stick to the 5 strips it gives you a month). But she found them on eBay for $1 for 30 ovulation strips and 10 pregnancy tests and only $5 shipping. can I express how much I loved this girl at that moment! So I order 2 packs.

And now I’m using them. And as I knew, I didn’t have the patience to wait untill the suggested day to start using them, but who care! they we really cheap. My logic – what if I ovulate early? my Dr once suspected that I  did. So I can indulge my impatience here and just do it. but…nothing yet.

And I must say, it’s kinda awkward doing a pee test with a toddler cheering you on. “yay, mommy, you peed, good job!”

so, I recently had a girlfriend tell me about vitamin b6. She said that a girlfriend of hers had had a few miscarriages and when she went on B6 she didn’t miscarry. putting aside the “could be a coincidence”, I’m at the point (I know many other are too) where I’m willing to give about anything (that isn’t dangerous) a try. So I looked it up on the internet and I found some reference ( 3 of which i have below). and it talks about Luteal Phase Defect (LPD) in which your luteal phase (the time between ovulation and period) is too short and then the uterine lining may not “build” to a healthy point where implantation of a fertilized egg can take place. However, in the event a pregnancy is achieved, LPD may also initiate menstrual bleeding and cause an early miscarriage.

Of course i found this to be of interest (especially since I do have short cycles) so i asked my Dr at my next visit and he agreed that it would be a good idea to try and recommended a B complex for me. so now I’m on time released B complex 100mg daily. so we’ll see if anything happens.

And if you try this, yes, florescent yellow pee is normal.  🙂

My second loss

When I became pregnant the third time I felt amazing. All the hesitation I felt with my second pregnancy was gone and I felt like a massive weight had been taken off of me. I was going to have a healthy baby, a sibling for my son to play and grow with. My lovely doctor offered to do whatever I wanted to make me feel at ease, but I didn’t want to give into that leftover paranoia and do all the testing we did before. Now, I’m very small and I grow very fast, so I have little ability to hide my bump. By my first ultrasound at 12.5 weeks I had already been in maternity pants for a couple of weeks and everyone could tell that I wasn’t just gaining a little weight. I went to my ultrasound, happy as a peach, and the tech was very quiet. At first I thought it was because she remembered me from my last loss (I live in a small town), but then I realized that something was wrong. She got up and asked me to go to emergency and meet the doctor there. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Once the doctor saw me, there was a fog in which I heard her say “nothing there”, and “just go home and it will take care of itself in a couple of days”, and a few other bits and pieces. She pretty much tried to tell me that there never was a baby there in the first place. How dare she? I’m not about to be fooled into thinking I wasn’t pregnant because my baby died early on and I hadn’t yet miscarried.

From what little she did tell me, I found that it was called a blighted ovum or missed miscarriage. When the baby dies, your body doesn’t register and you keep growing around it as if everything was good. All that I read about it, people said that they felt good and healthy, like everything was going well. I think this is one of the meanest tricks our bodies can do. My body held onto the baby for another week.

I have to say, I don’t know what is worse. Knowing your baby is going to die and having to helplessly wait for it, or to think that everything is going so well and find out that your baby died shortly after you discovered you were pregnant and your body didn’t know it. I feel like I can no longer trust my body to tell me when something is wrong. My baby should have been born November 2010.

My first loss

My first pregnancy was great, so when we went to try for a second child, we didn’t have many worries. When I became pregnant, we were ecstatic, but there was something hesitant in me. I just didn’t feel quite right. Things seemed to be progressing well at our early dating ultrasound but, still, I didn’t feel right. My wonderful doctor (who actually pays attention to the things I tell him) said he would keep an eye on me and sent me for semi-regular blood work. Even though everything else looked good, the blood work started showing that my beta hCG levels where going down and my doctor tried to prepare us for the worst. After a month and a half of stress, tests, ultrasounds and waiting, the inevitable finally happened. It was horrible (that’s an understatement). I had lost my little girl. We had her cremated and I keep her in a ring on my right hand. Darla should have been born January 2010.

Never say……

    (they want this baby! also..maybe they cant have another…)Also this comment is often very offhand…

  • 2. “Now you have angel looking after you” (they didnt want an angel-they want their BABY back!)
  • 3.”its for the best” (How?The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!)
  • 4.”At least you didnt know your baby!”(whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was REAL!)
  • 5.”There must have been something wrong” (with me? why?)
  • 6.” Did you do something you werent supposed to do?”(inflicts guilt/how could i have done this to my baby!?)
  • 7.”Have you ever thought of NOT having children!?”(well yes probably!I know i might never be a parent….)
  • 8.”Be grateful for the children you have!”(I am but I still need to mourn the one i have lost!)
  • 9.”It wont happen again”(I never thought it could happen..and to some unlucky people it does happen again!)
  • 10.””Be brave,dont cry”(why not!!!?)
  • 11.”Get on with your life,this isnt the end of the world!”(right now it IS)
  • 12.”You should be over it be now!”( why!?This is not something you just ‘get over’)
  • 13.”Youre young, you’ll get over it” (what does age have to do with pain!?)
  • 14.”Time will heal” (Time will make the pain easier to bear yes,but that is no help at the moment…)
  • 15.”At least it wasnt older” (it still matters and it still HURTS!)
    (In general best not to start with “at least” can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.)
  • 16.”It was Gods will”
    …”God wanted him/her with him”
    …”God needed another flower in his garden” AND so on!

In the last two years, I have suffered two miscarriages. I find I’m amazed when people say things like “it’s so uncommon” and “you never heard of this happening when I was younger”. People are so unaware of how often miscarriages happen and how much people suffer when going though one. It is so much worse when they have no one to related to, no one that they can talk to who can empathize and not just sympathize. I dont want Miscarriage to be a taboo subject anymore. We have lost our children and we need the support of people who can understand that.