Archive for November, 2010

So I’ve had a little time to reflect on what she told me and to look up what I didn’t understand (which I still don’t totally understand but what can you do). I have to laugh going back and looking at my old post saying “she seems pretty nice” because I’ve obviously gotten past that one and forgotten any niceness I thought was there at the time. But that can happen with frustration.

So the first miscarriage she said was an unknown. There was a heartbeat and then there wasn’t. There could be many reasons there. But the second miscarriage, the blighted ovum (I can’t help but think of warcraft here – Blight is the term for the physical corruption of the land by the presence of the Lich King‘s undead plague…yes I’m a geek…FOR THE HORDE!!!) was a definite chromosome abnormality.

As far as the balanced translocation goes this is what I found. Balanced Translocation simply means that pieces of your chromosomes were rearranged but no genetic material is gained or lost in the cell. This is something that shows no obvious symptoms (other than higher risk of miscarriages / recurrent miscarriages). In theory, assuming your partner has a normal karyotype, 25% of all pregnancies you produce should be normal genetically and healthy, 25% should have the same translocation that you have and therefore still be born healthy, 50% will have an unbalanced translocation and be destined either to never implant, or to miscarry (or have severe birth defects she said). So then the thing to work out is if you can keep trying and deal with potentially many losses in order to get the children you want. I don’t know how many losses my hubby and I can deal with. I hope that this isn’t the problem.

I managed to get into my dr today to discuss what happened at my fertility specialist appointment. I was glad to hear that he was happy to monitor my progesterone for me for however long  I want and was a bit confused about the specialist thinking it wasn’t important. He was sure that when I because pregnant that she would start doing so, but why the heck would I wait untill I know I’m pregnant, call for an appointment, wait the few weeks untill the appointment, get labs done, and THEN find out if there is an issue (and then wait to get a prescription). At that rate it may already be too late. I could be 2 months pregnant by the time anything is being taken care of. It’s already been found that my progesterone was too low, so it’s not like I’m just reaching for random things here. I had an entire weekend of fixating on this, not in an anxiety fashion, but in a “what the hell is she thinking?” fashion. I wish she had just explained it to me.  Is she indirectly monitoring something to do with my progesterone (not according to my family dr), did she think it wasn’t important because she thought the cause was something else? (even so she should monitor it because it is a legitimate cause of miscarriage), or does she have some other plan going on?

I’m the kind of person that doesn’t react too much about things at first and then they fester, so over time I get more and more angry/ frustrated/ hurt….. But at least I’m not just sitting around. I’m now sticking with the hands on assertive approach. It prevents wallowing at least. Is it going to be a problem  if I asked for a different fertility dr? I’m told that there are 5 in the clinic, but I don’t want to burn my bridges before I even get going with them or get a bad rep. What do you guys think? you ever had this issue? I can’t stand dr’s that ignore what I’m saying and don’t explain anything to me in a way that I can get it (and get obviously irritated when I keep asking questions). It makes me want to kick them in the chin.

Dye in my uterus!

so my hubby and I had our first appointment with the fertility dr yesterday. She seems pretty nice but I was confused with some of the things that she was saying and she went through everything very fast. One thing that confused me was when I told her about my progesterone last cycle she said “well you never know where you are in a cycle so it’s not relevant”…how not? If I’m seeing her for recurrent losses and we know my progesterone was low and that can cause miscarriages then why is that not something to monitor?

What she did say was that due to the abnormally high amount of miscarriages in my family that I may have something called a balanced translocation. I asked her three times and still don’t understand what this means. I tried googling it at work later and am still confused, so I think it’s going to be my monday afternoon searching project (or maybe Tuesday because Monster will be at preschool).

She is sending me for a whack of tests and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. My hubby was feeling pretty irritated at having to do a semen analysis again untill he saw what I was going to have to and then he decided he had it pretty easy. Nothing like having to get dye shot up your uterus for an x-ray to make your hubby rethink his part. And we’re going to be getting the chromosome testing…which appearantly take 6 months to get the results for. so much stuff. I don’t want to wait. I want to know now!

the power of venting prayer

Is venting like praying?

Have you ever noticed that when something has gone really wrong or is consuming all your attention with stress and upset that when you talk about it, just let it all out, it either doesn’t seem to bother you nearly as much or just kinda fixes itself? Seriously. This has happened to me so many times in my adult life that this of all thing has me questioning the power of letting it out, or prayer, in a sense. I’m not a christian, but I’m the strangest you will find in the secular community.

I was raised in a Lutheran home with the idea (not sure where the communication erred) that God was just a nice story we tell ourselves to make us feel better. Kind of like Santa and Peter Pan. I specifically remember as a small child at church thinking “Do the actually believe this?”. What little kid doesn’t believe what they have been told by their family? But I never did. As an adult, I’ve attended some churches sporadically and taken religious studies in college (I have still always had an interest in religion) but when I moved a little over 2 years ago to my little town and checked out the local alliance church I decided to start attending their weekly womans bible study. Part of this was to meet people and have something to do, but I also really enjoy the educational aspect of it. The all know about me, and not a single one has ever made me feel unwelcome. Just the opposite. I’ve more or less challenged them to convert me (I honestly wish they could) and these super nice women are giving it a go. Actually, everything I do in this town is pretty much through that church. My bible study, my book club (we don’t specifically read christian books), and my MOPS group. Not to mention that the lovely girl I spend most of my social time with in town was  introduced to me at a women’s ministry night and she’s pretty much turned into my security blanky. Charity is a great friend.

I have prayed many times for a secular person. Most of the time it’s out of desperation in a bad situation, but not always. I pray for faith. I’ve been doing this directly for 2 years now and indirectly for my whole life. I want to believe that there is a God that I can rely on to take the burden off myself. I want to be able to just say I believe and go from there, but if I do that I’d just be lying and trying to fool myself. You ever wonder about the “if you say something enough times you will eventually start to believe it” thing. I’ve thought about just taking the time and trying to persuade myself that I believe, but it would be a lie. I want the faith, but not pretend faith.

So back to my original question then, is venting like praying? I’ve always been told that God knows our heart, what we want, and our thoughts, but that when you pray it should be out loud. Like in one of the Narnia books (the magician and his nephew) Aslan sends the kids off to fetch the golden apple and the boy later realizes he has no food with him. He wonders why Aslan didn’t offer some to take with on his journey and the horse tells him I’m sure he knew,”but I think he likes to be asked”. So like praying, it’s best to ask outright and out loud, not just thinking about it. And venting is out loud even though I haven’t attached the “father God” formalities to it.

Yesterday I was a wreck (anyone reading my last post knows that) and when I attended my bible study I spent more time trying not to cry than paying attention and one of the women there, she’s got some sort of hawk eye for me when things are crappy and she (more or less cornered me, lol) asked if I was ok and what could she do to help. If I believed in God, I’d have to say he’s chatting with her about me because she even called me right after my last miscarriage to check in (she had never called me before and I didn’t even know she had my number). I think her mission before she moves away is for me to know God loves me, can’t help but love her for it. I didn’t tell her what my problem was, just that it was baby issues (or lack there of…these ladies are generally familiar with my problems here). Now apparently she’s a hard prayer. Praying hard and praying often. And she’s been praying for me for a long time (and I have a feeling has just kicked it up a notch).

When my hubby came home last night he sat me down and said he’d been doing a lot of thinking. He was still scared of getting pregnant again and what it would do to me if we lost another child (possible physical complication in addition to the mental). It doesn’t help that last time I was rushed by ambulance into the city when I stumbled into my local emerg hemorrhaging like it was going out of business.  So he’s scared for me, but he said he realized that if he’s so scared for me, he should be more afraid of what I am afraid of, and that is of not having more / not trying again. so he said ok. So TTC is back on! I love my hubby so much for how he feels about me, and especially for putting it aside to give us another chance.

So maybe someone is hearing my “prayers”

I’m devastated. I can’t help but feel this way and yet technically nothing has happened.

When I asked my hubby if he was good for me to go off birth control and he said yes, that told me that he was ready. That and before hand he had told me that it was just a matter of when I was going to be ready. So I thought that he was. I guess really, he thought that he was. So as sexy as it is to say “hey hunny, I’m ovulating”, I try to keep that as a last resort. And I know he hasn’t been feeling good and is really run down from work so I’ve been using those excuses to avoid what I thought the real problem is. How can we possibly say we are trying when I can’t get my husband to have sex with me? Last month, it was seriously a struggle. I had to pull out all the stops and still, most of the time he was turning me down. So after I ovulated, I just gave up trying. But now, as my body is primed and ready my hubby is running the other direction. Yes, he wants more kids. Yes, he likes sex (at least in theory at this point).

All this started with a question I raised last night, “what do you think about taking the crib down?”. No. plain and simple. He said that if we take it down we are giving up. At first I thought he was saying that if we take it down he’s not willing to try again (the heels are about to dig in and a bit of a fit is coming on) but then I realized that he was saying that by taking it down he feels like it means we are giving up the idea of having more. like, “this is it for us”. And he’s not ok with that (obviously). But to me, I’m looking at that crib every day, empty (well, empty of a baby, it’s stashing my telescope), and all I can think of when I see it is what I’m missing. My miscarriages never overlapped due dates. I should have three children right now. And here I am staring at this reminder feeling like having it there is jinxing me. We really couldn’t have more opposite views of it.

So last night after turning me down yet again, he curls me up and say “I’m just too scared”. So I now realized that I may have moved onto being more afraid of not having more children than I am of the possibility of loosing them, But he hasn’t. He never really dealt with either loss. never talked about it other than listening to me, never cried except to see me hurting, and the only thing he really felt was anger. It surprised me that he was finally out of the anger/ denial in order to think about it enough to be scared. Not to say that I expect my hubby to be strong and solid all the time, but he’s been avoiding dealing with it for so long that I’d given up trying to get him to. But the problem  is that now he’s so afraid of loosing another child and what it does to me (don’t we all wish we could take the pain for our loved ones) that he can’t have sex with me. And not just when I’m ovulating because he can’t separate it in his mind. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it again. I know that this isn’t him trying to hurt me, or not wanting more kids or not finding me attractive, but God it hurts. He didn’t say this but I know when he thinks of having sex with me all he can think of is dead babies. And I know it’s not rational or accurate, but I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. And I feel like my chance has been taken from me.

I know, now doesn’t mean never. But not only is it hard for me to get pregnant, but to stay pregnant, and how many opportunities will I get. Some people get pregnant when you look at them funny, not I. and I’m so scared to wait, to have it put off longer. But I can’t not respect my hubby’s feelings (even if I didn’t actually need his assistance here) so that means that it’s off. trying has been postponed. I’m not upset with him for feeling the way he does, but I’m trying not to be mad about him not figuring this out before I went off my birth control (I know, you can’t choose when things will hit you). I just feel rejected and empty.

Wish I were pregnant cravings

Everyone expects cravings out of a pregnant woman. Of course when I am pregnant, I didn’t seem to have this issue, my eating habits never change. But do you think that when you want to be pregnant so bad that your body will start pulling out the check list and marking off things that aren’t there? The this may happen when your pregnant list?

So I’ve been having some crazy cravings lately. Not crazy strange, but crazy all day, every day same thing. I want me a ROASTED CHICKEN DINNER! seriously. This is all I want to eat for the last couple weeks. Roasted chicken with nice dark golden crispy skin, so juicy, with mashed potatoes (garlic or dill…always cream cheese in the potatoes), yorkshire pudding (they really go with everything), stuffing, and whatever veggie I have lying around. I’ve even been thinking of throwing some cranberry sauce in there like it’s a turkey. And butter buns. Soft white fluffy butter buns (because there are never any yorkshire puddings around for the leftovers. SO good. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I’m trying to hold off though. My Hubby can only take so much chicken (even though I make the leftovers into curry and quesadilla and other things for him. chicken is still chicken, and he likes BEEF! lol. Yes, traditional man, steak and beer. He nicely asked if I could keep in to an every second week thing. I’m seriously thinking about making two meals.

Today after my acupuncture appointment I decided that I’d get some groceries. Big thing due to the fact that today was the first day I could make it out of my driveway since the blizzard hit. As with my other appointments, I found that I was super relaxed (I became the  dwarves Dopey and Marshmallow Head). So it took me 2 hours to get groceries. Do you think my son was bored by this point? just a bit. It didn’t help that I hadn’t eaten more than half a pb&j sandwich today yet. So my quick outing put lunch at 2:30. Poor kid.

My mom had been playing phone tag with me all morning and when I finally got ahold of her, she told me that my brother and his wife are having problems with the pregnancy. GREAT! that’s a way to brighten a day. I just about burst out in tears when I hung up the phone. I don’t care how little I get along with her, but I can’t stand the idea of something going wrong again. Of course my mom really doesn’t know anything and it’s all speculation from blood work but it’s just such an awful possibility.

When I had my son we told the Dr.s going into tests and ultrasounds that we didn’t want to know anything that could be potentially “wrong” unless there was something we could do about it. For us, it made no difference if our child had a deformity or downs or anything because it would not change what we would do (ie, continue on with the pregnancy as best we could to give our child the best chance possible). But then after one of the ultrasounds, I got a call at work saying that there were bright spots on the baby’s heart. I freaked out. “my baby has a heart problem”. My boss told me to just leave and I bolted for the obstetrician’s office only to have them tell me “this is a sign that your baby may have downs” or something else in that ball park. I was ready to kill. We had been so specific that we didn’t want this info, this extra stress for no reason and here I am, doing everything I can not to strangle this woman. “I understand if you want to change obstetrician’s, I’m so sorry”. Bull, why would I just go to another office and have THEM not listen to me either?

So what I’m saying it that, since I have no idea what is going on, all I can hope for is that it’s this kind of information. The kind that sounds catastrophic but turns out to just be a marker of a “it may be such and such” where things are usually completely normal. So as a non religious person that sometimes prays out of desperation (as someone else accurately put it), I’m asking if you guys could maybe do it too. That everything will be good for their baby, because we’ve lost too many already.

MOPS miscarriage

I find that people don’t seem to remember that miscarriage and fertility issues affect those that have  children. I figure that they think (unless they have been though it) that if you’ve had a child, you can have more, or that if you have a child, you will have gotten over your miscarriage(s) because you have a baby. Being part of my local MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group I look around at all the women and think “I know I’m not the only one suffering here” but what am I going to do. “ok ladies, everyone that has had a miscarriage / stillbirth/ loss shortly after birth / or infertility issues come here right now so we can talk and grieve and console each other”. YA RIGHT! who am I to say that they have to grieve any differently than they are. I don’t know these women personally, and standing up and saying “ok everyone, this is what I have suffered and if you want to talk I am here” isn’t enough (not to mention not very effective in  a group of near strangers…and a bit embarrassing). So i requested  when they were looking for meeting idea’s for this year, what about a meeting on miscarriage/ pregnancy loss. And the Woman that heads our group made it happen. And that day was today.

I was so devastated to wake up and see that the weather had only gotten worse over night. We had been hit by a decent blizzard a couple days ago and the roads are AWEFUL. top that off with it being the first snow of the year and people haven’t built up their winter driving comfort yet. I was expecting that almost no one would come to our meeting this morning. I also realized the good old “how is my dinky car going to make it out of the driveway?”. But luckily I have this angel friend that called me up just after I thought of this and asked if I might like a ride there. So we shoved the three car seats in the back and thanked God for her Envoy. I must say that Charity is really earning her name today because I would have been so devastated if I had missed this. when we arrived, no one was there. Seriously. Not a single mom there that doesn’t organize the meetings. I was crushed in the “saw it coming” kinda way. But when I took our kids down to the nursery and came back, we suddenly had some moms. In the end there were more than I expected would brave the roads. so Yay for that!

The woman was great. You could tell she was passionate about what she does. She did a presentation on pregnancy related grief and through in ones that I hadn’t even thought about like post adoption grief (for the mother giving up the child). I think her specialized areas are post adoption and post abortion but she was great with all the other topics. I think that it would have been a good session for couples to go to as well. She really got into the grieving stages and the male vs female  grieving. I guess that the reason that I liked her so much was that she was saying the same stuff and more that I say to anyone talking to me about their loss. Things like “it’s ok to be angry with God, he can take it”  and find something physical to do to let out your anger and frustration. she suggested running, beating us your mattress, going to a thrift store and buying a bundle of dishes that you can smash at the recycling center. It was very close to my “go to a garage sale and buy an old tv, take it in you garage and find a bat” suggestion. but another favorite from my teen years was to roll up plasticine and throw it at my walls (it made a great splat and they would stay there untill I took them down…use multi colors and stay away from mirrors).

My favorite was that she went into the “things not to say” that are the typical responses that just make us feel worse. I have a post of “what not to say to someone after miscarriage” that I’d found on another site, and I really wish I could blow it up, make it into fliers, email it to the world, and make it into a t-shirt. Actually the last suggestion is one I may do…even though my poor mother may pass out if I came by wearing it. My older brother and I have a thing about saying what makes others too uncomfortable to hear but is just honest reality, or as my Gramma would put it, we’re “shit disturbers” or “SD”‘s as she shortened it to later on, and my mother is not a fan of confrontation. Poor mommy, three children all getting my fathers stubborn, shit disturbing, twisted humour. I must say she takes it pretty well.

She also talked about you guys. In an indirect way, you guys are my “safe people to talk to”. People that you know understand and are compassionate, that you can say what you need to say and they wont think you’re a horrible person because they have been there. If I drank, I’d give you a toast. but HERE HERE! to all you wonderful women that understand what we all wish we didn’t.

I’m surrounded

I couldn’t help but laugh, in the “are you fricken kidding me?” kinda style last night. I went to my stepbrother’s wedding (and a pretty nice wedding it was) and as soon as the ceremony ended and everyone got up, it seemed the entire guest list was pregnant or with babies. Everywhere I turned I was bumping into bellies. Two in the wedding party, although one was just little but you could tell by the way she held her stomach it wasn’t the “left overs” from baby bump but a proud protrusion. I swear that I’d seen many of these women at the bridal shower and yet somehow didn’t notice (how do you not notice?). Or maybe everyone is just starting to look familiar to me in the “hello my fellow human” sense. I dunno. I thought I was just being overly conscious of it, but my little brother’s wife was feeling the weight of the bellies too. You’d think we’d gone to the wrong place and were at The Baby Show at the Roundup center or something.

But the food, I must mention the food. When you choose your chicken or beef, you think it’s pretty generic. But here comes in AAA Alberta steak with a perfect peppercorn sauce and Chicken with some creamy white wine sauce with chubby shrimp. Originally, this would have been an issue (they really should have announced the shrimp fact for the shellfish people) with my husband being one of several guests allergic to shrimp, but my date ended up being my almost 3-year-old son so I was left with the option of both our meals. I had started out with the intention of eating both (my belt was borrowed from my sister and was a touch too loose) but by the time I’d gotten half way through the steak it was too good to switch over and I was only able to manage the shrimp from the other plate. Really, it’s was impressive that I managed the whole steak down (I’m a 4’10”, 100 lb girl…not usually room for as much as I was given). And to top it off, the smoothest cheese cake I’ve ever tasted in my life. There were a lot of other sides/ the fancy salad, sticks of chocolate for edible garnish, but I’m not  so good a the proper descriptions. My mouth is still watering for that steak. So tender. Lets just say that my belt fit pretty snug after that.

In the end, it was the many kids that over-through the dance floor for the evening. It was hard but sweet seeing all these happy toddlers and barely able to walk kids flapping about with mothers holding babies on the outskirts, it made me realize “when was the last time I just let loose and had a great time like that?” But I can’t think of when. Kinda depressing. Need to work on that.

At least I have you Steak

My uterus tea

So, an update on the tea. This mix is supposed to build up that there uterus. It’s one of the better tasting ones according to my acupuncture lady, which, really, it’s not awful. On the other hand, it’s not great. It has a sweetness to it, but the main taste is kinda fungusy. Kinda like mixing dry mushrooms and goji berries (i know, doesn’t sound great). I’ve been adding extra goji berries into the tea to help assist with the flavor (makes it much better) and I’ve left a message with my lady to see if that’s a big no-no or not. I’m hoping it’s all good seeing as she told me that having the goji berry tea would be good for me every day. She should get back to me this morning sometime. I’m having to take two scoops twice a day (they are very tiny scoops) for a week and a half. Other than that, I just have to guard it from my son who keeps climbing on the counter trying to see what’s inside. Apparently showing him wasn’t good enough. I’m going to walk into the kitchen and find this stuff sprinkled over everything at some point.

On another note about my acupuncture, I’m still migraine and head ache free and I’m starting to feel normal temps (or at least a little closer). Not a hot flash to be found, and I’m starting to feel when it’s cold in my house (rather than just bundling up my son and strutting in shorts and a tank top). And I’m starting to sleep shorter hours and feel more rested. Pretty good perks I’d say.