As I was cleaning up to stash stuff away to paint my room the other day, Monster comes up to me with his usual “what’s this?”. To be honest, I don’t usually look because if I say “you tell me” he already knows what he’s holding. So when I hear a bag crumpling and a bit of a sandy kinda noise to go along with the “I asked YOU!” I got a little curious. I turned around to find him attempting to dig into a bag of ashes. I didn’t want to traumatize him with “that’s your baby sister” but I couldn’t think of anything else to say so I just said “that’s Darla” as I nabbed the bag as fast as I could without making him feel like he was doing something bad and popped them back into the box they came in from the funeral home. Noted, DO NOT leave ashes within reach of a child unless you want to risk a mess.
This also counts for overly curious men that don’t ask before they try prying into things. I had a flashback of one of my friends nearly scattering my dad all over his moms kitchen when she was helping my glue shut the cross I was keeping him in. We got a good laugh at how traumatized he was about what he almost did (only prevented by both his mother and I lunging across the room to tear it out of his hands). Then again we were both a little fumigated on glue and covered in a dusting of ashes ourselves.
Note to anyone trying to transfer ashes independently: they stick like nobodies business and really burn if you get any in your eyes.
So back to the original topic, Darla. How old do you think Monster will have to be before I’ll be able to explain to him who she is…was? Without seriously freaking him out. And when he’d be able to actually grasp it.
I got a call from a tattoo artist (is that the right term? seems wong at the moment) today and he’s going to start on designing my baby feet for me based off a few images I sent him. He recommended the shoulder for what I was wanting but said that the hip is doable too (he had logic that I forgot right after he told me). So it’s between those two places now.
Holy Crap! You can't talk about miscarriage! 
Kudos to you for keeping them around the house. We buried Elizabeth’s ashes in a cemetery (thankfully a plot was donated to us). I really thought I’d go crazy or get unhealthy obsessed or something is they were so close all the time.
Do you think it would be less taboo to him if you talked to him about it from early on…kind of like kids who were adopted? I have friends who were adopted and they celebrated both their birthday and homecoming day every year… that way, by the time they were oldest to really grasp the concept, it was already familiar to them. Maybe if its always ok to talk about it in ur house, it’ll be easier to give him just as much info as he can handle at any given time without it being a big to do?
I keep her ashes on my dresser (as well as some in a ring I wear). We had actually intended to spred them at my in-law’s lake but just haven’t gotten to doing it yet. I’ve told Monster a few times if he holds the box while I’m dusting that it’s Darla, just like when he picks up the cross I tell him it’s my Daddy. He knows that I had a baby in my tummy last time I was pregnant, not that I think he’s old enough to remember when I was pregnant with Darla. I’m only really unsure about connecting the dots for him. I dont know if he’ll freak out about it.
I’ll start at the bottom:
Yes, they are called tattoo artists. You may not be totally sure of where you want to place them until you get there. Have him make two copies, and place one on your hip and the other on your shoulder and then look in a mirror. When my outline is in the right spot I feel a sense of peace/calm/excitement.
As for the top, I agree with Angela: talk about her now. Monster may not fully grasp the entire meaning of it, but he will slowly and gradually over time. My gut instinct says that trying to explain it when he is older will cause more fear and confusion than if it is a part of his “normalcy”, a part of his life as he has always understood it.
But perhaps I have a different philosophy about parenting. I don’t really hold with the camp of trying to protect my (future) children from every pain. (Certainly some pains I hope I can protect them from, such as assault) Pain is a part of life (as much as happiness and joy) and postponing pain only makes it more intense. Sometimes having a small pain earlier is easier than a large pain later.
Regardless of how or when you do it, I hope that it is healing and cathartic. My guess is you will feel less anxiety over the situation after you have made a decision and followed through with it.
I’m not sure why it didn’t occure to me to have him do up two stencils to place for me to decide where I wanted it. I guess I’m not used to wondering where I should put them. I’ve always had the placement set in my mind long before I get the tattoo.
I not one to try and sheild him from the bad in life too much, I guess it’s just a confusing subject for kids and I didn’t want to freak him out. I suppose growing up with a box of ashes named Darla is a bit confusing too (and a cross named Grampa). Maybe when I get the tattoo done I’ll sit down and explain it to him more, just like I have with my other tattoos. I also found a kids book “we should have had a baby but we got an angel instead” or something like that. I donated it to my local MOPS group, but I can get it and go through it with him.
No such thing as a “good time” for this, right?
I say definitely go for the shoulder. You’re still at risk for unwanted stretching on the hips.
Now back to the top: Oy, I can’t even fathom being in that position. I’m sure he’s too young now though. Unless you can find a kid-friendly way to explain it to him? Maybe in the form of a story? Hmmm…
Xoxo!