Tag Archive: what not to say


MOPS miscarriage

I find that people don’t seem to remember that miscarriage and fertility issues affect those that have  children. I figure that they think (unless they have been though it) that if you’ve had a child, you can have more, or that if you have a child, you will have gotten over your miscarriage(s) because you have a baby. Being part of my local MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group I look around at all the women and think “I know I’m not the only one suffering here” but what am I going to do. “ok ladies, everyone that has had a miscarriage / stillbirth/ loss shortly after birth / or infertility issues come here right now so we can talk and grieve and console each other”. YA RIGHT! who am I to say that they have to grieve any differently than they are. I don’t know these women personally, and standing up and saying “ok everyone, this is what I have suffered and if you want to talk I am here” isn’t enough (not to mention not very effective in  a group of near strangers…and a bit embarrassing). So i requested  when they were looking for meeting idea’s for this year, what about a meeting on miscarriage/ pregnancy loss. And the Woman that heads our group made it happen. And that day was today.

I was so devastated to wake up and see that the weather had only gotten worse over night. We had been hit by a decent blizzard a couple days ago and the roads are AWEFUL. top that off with it being the first snow of the year and people haven’t built up their winter driving comfort yet. I was expecting that almost no one would come to our meeting this morning. I also realized the good old “how is my dinky car going to make it out of the driveway?”. But luckily I have this angel friend that called me up just after I thought of this and asked if I might like a ride there. So we shoved the three car seats in the back and thanked God for her Envoy. I must say that Charity is really earning her name today because I would have been so devastated if I had missed this. when we arrived, no one was there. Seriously. Not a single mom there that doesn’t organize the meetings. I was crushed in the “saw it coming” kinda way. But when I took our kids down to the nursery and came back, we suddenly had some moms. In the end there were more than I expected would brave the roads. so Yay for that!

The woman was great. You could tell she was passionate about what she does. She did a presentation on pregnancy related grief and through in ones that I hadn’t even thought about like post adoption grief (for the mother giving up the child). I think her specialized areas are post adoption and post abortion but she was great with all the other topics. I think that it would have been a good session for couples to go to as well. She really got into the grieving stages and the male vs female  grieving. I guess that the reason that I liked her so much was that she was saying the same stuff and more that I say to anyone talking to me about their loss. Things like “it’s ok to be angry with God, he can take it”  and find something physical to do to let out your anger and frustration. she suggested running, beating us your mattress, going to a thrift store and buying a bundle of dishes that you can smash at the recycling center. It was very close to my “go to a garage sale and buy an old tv, take it in you garage and find a bat” suggestion. but another favorite from my teen years was to roll up plasticine and throw it at my walls (it made a great splat and they would stay there untill I took them down…use multi colors and stay away from mirrors).

My favorite was that she went into the “things not to say” that are the typical responses that just make us feel worse. I have a post of “what not to say to someone after miscarriage” that I’d found on another site, and I really wish I could blow it up, make it into fliers, email it to the world, and make it into a t-shirt. Actually the last suggestion is one I may do…even though my poor mother may pass out if I came by wearing it. My older brother and I have a thing about saying what makes others too uncomfortable to hear but is just honest reality, or as my Gramma would put it, we’re “shit disturbers” or “SD”‘s as she shortened it to later on, and my mother is not a fan of confrontation. Poor mommy, three children all getting my fathers stubborn, shit disturbing, twisted humour. I must say she takes it pretty well.

She also talked about you guys. In an indirect way, you guys are my “safe people to talk to”. People that you know understand and are compassionate, that you can say what you need to say and they wont think you’re a horrible person because they have been there. If I drank, I’d give you a toast. but HERE HERE! to all you wonderful women that understand what we all wish we didn’t.

Never say……

    (they want this baby! also..maybe they cant have another…)Also this comment is often very offhand…

  • 2. “Now you have angel looking after you” (they didnt want an angel-they want their BABY back!)
  • 3.”its for the best” (How?The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!)
  • 4.”At least you didnt know your baby!”(whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was REAL!)
  • 5.”There must have been something wrong” (with me? why?)
  • 6.” Did you do something you werent supposed to do?”(inflicts guilt/how could i have done this to my baby!?)
  • 7.”Have you ever thought of NOT having children!?”(well yes probably!I know i might never be a parent….)
  • 8.”Be grateful for the children you have!”(I am but I still need to mourn the one i have lost!)
  • 9.”It wont happen again”(I never thought it could happen..and to some unlucky people it does happen again!)
  • 10.””Be brave,dont cry”(why not!!!?)
  • 11.”Get on with your life,this isnt the end of the world!”(right now it IS)
  • 12.”You should be over it be now!”( why!?This is not something you just ‘get over’)
  • 13.”Youre young, you’ll get over it” (what does age have to do with pain!?)
  • 14.”Time will heal” (Time will make the pain easier to bear yes,but that is no help at the moment…)
  • 15.”At least it wasnt older” (it still matters and it still HURTS!)
    (In general best not to start with “at least”..it can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.)
  • 16.”It was Gods will”
    …”God wanted him/her with him”
    …”God needed another flower in his garden” AND so on!

 

http://angiealexander.tripod.com/whatnotsay.html