Tag Archive: The Red Lady


I did it, and no one twisted my arm

That’s right. I POAS’d today. I was ~4 days late?

And I had no signs that it was coming, but I did it (for a negative), walked out the door, and The Red Lady did come.

Hubby is leaving on Saturday for 2.5 weeks so I have no hope for next month. It’s a right off. I’ll console myself with fake wine and coffee… and my absence of reality as usual. What else should I entertain myself with? Any suggestions?

The schitty alternative

Today was an awesome day at work. Not that everything was perfect, but even the bad things went smoothly. I even had to call an ambulance for a resident because we couldn’t get her chest pain under control, but unless you saw the paramedics come or go, you’d have had no idea there was an issue. Why? ‘Cause I don’t panic. I just get it done.

There was this big giant who ha at work today hosting a bunch of big wigs and my boss’s boss was super nervous about it all yesterday and this morning. I spent a good chunk of time just helping him chill both days. Why? Well, I guess he finds me calming. Good news for me I guess. He even told me that he’s been hearing great feedback about me from everyone. Can’t complain too much except that he keeps making me late getting off work trying to feed me cake. It’s his way of celebrating everything. Cake. Cake out the ying yang. I don’t care for cake. But he’s always determined that I’m present before he makes his pre-cake announcements. He tracked me down after the big wigs left and gave me the “did the mayor see you?! I really wanted the mayor to see you. I hope you were here when we came by but I didn’t see.” I just paused as gave a “they all saw me in passing, I was keeping busy”. AKA, I didn’t want to just stand there looking pretty for them all to stare at. That makes me nervous. I gave a little way to my direct boss and I calmly but quickly walked by them all (leaving my office when they arrived).

I hope I don’t make him sound creepy here, he’s just really nice and has taken a liking to me.

But of course as that all finished up and I was about to leave work… That BITCH did showeth. A schitty alternative to what we all hope for.

Id had my hopes up. I felt fine, no spotting, my boobs were even not sore for a change. I’d been fantasizing about my “amazing christmas miracle/ present” or whatever it was my co-worker had said last week. So that was a little let down.  But I try to console myself in the fact that my life is pretty good right now and I really like my job and my sweet Monster and I are planning on watching Home Alone tonight for a giggle. He hasn’t seen it but I thought he’s like watching the burglars get bashed in the face with paint cans. Good lessons we teach our children 😉  .

Join on in

Just because insanity loves company and I could use a giggle. I’m not late, I think. I actually can’t remember when I had my last period since for some reason, that could only be explained by an overly intellectual jug of milk (at 3.5 degrees celsius), I forgot to mark it down on the calendar. I don’t know how I missed it. Even when I stopped tracking, I’ve still remembered to mark the arrival of The Red Lady.

So…I think…..that I’m on day 28 (could be 29 but I’m rounding shorter since I don’t know). So If I went by my regular that makes me 1-3 days late. And if I went by my irregular it makes me due any time over the next week. And I have only OPK test and no immediate plans to pick up any HPT. Obviously the possibility has been hovering in the back of my head since she hasn’t shown up like a bad house guest.

I just figured since I was being casually pestered by the idea I’d take you all down with me.

That and usually if I say I’m late here, The Red Lady arrives shortly after. If she’s coming she might as well get it done.

I’m assuming this isn’t the case for most periods, but at the same time nothing that’s too far from normal to be concerning. But it’s freaking me out a bit.

Like I said, The Red Lady came (albeit a little late and all) but this is unlike any period I’ve ever had.

Oh ya, if you don’t like TMI, go away for a while.

I’m bleeding heavy. I NEVER bleed heavy. My heaviest bleeding requires regular pads or tampons. Last night, I bled through my pj’s (sleeping at this point and I’m not sure why I was wearing them since I never do but I’m glad I did) not even two hours after I had changed my tampon. Here I’m thinking “shit I’m hemorrhaging again!”. And then there were crazy amounts of clots. Big clots. I barely ever get clots and when I do they are wispy little things. We’ll just gloss over how fun it is to try and scrub the bed in the middle of the night and your hubby somehow sleeps through the entire fiasco.

And today. Again with the clots. I thought my girlfriend was always exaggerating talking about walnut clots. I got bloody walnut clots! (pun intended, I’m just full of knee-slappers).

The main thing that freaks me out about this is that the only time I’ve ever bled like this is when I’ve miscarried. If it wasn’t for the BFN on …thursday morning, I’d be thinking that it was happening again.  So what the hell is going on?

Hubby’s answer is “well, then go to the dr, but we both know that you’re not going to”. Why would I go? What the hell is the dr going to do anyways? “Yes, I acknowledge that you are bleeding heavily but it’s not remotely life threatening. Clots are not of actual concern during a period. Drink lots and go eat a steak. Thank you for waiting two hours (at least) to see me for that”. I wish Hubby understood more that sometimes I just need him to know what’s going on, that it’s bothering me, and to be sympathetic. I don’t need a “well then go to the dr” every time I mention something wrong.

What if…

I’ll let you in on a little secret here. I never see it coming. The Red Lady that is. I don’t really get bloated, cramps come ~ half a day later, my boobs don’t get sore…correction, any more sore. They are ALWAYS sore nowadays (that’s an ass-chapper letmetellya).

So, I’ve been thinking, like I said I wasn’t going to, what if I could be pregnant? Today is that day that The Red Lady would appear on a short (and previously normal just like last month) cycle. But How can I tell if she just hasn’t got around to showing yet, or if this is a time-tested grade A quality torture method like when I added a couple days to every cycle I had and I ended up going from 25 to what was it 38 days or some crap like that?

I have this theory that I’ll only ever be pregnant when I’m really sure that I’m not (which has been the case before). That sound be the case this month with Hubby being gone so much, but then there is the part of me that thinks “what if he did get home in time?”. Because I’m thinking I ovulated right before he came back, but I’m not really tracking…just going by CF here since I just can’t NOT notice that.

And just because I’m thinking what if, you know that this month is a write-off anyways.

You’d never have guessed!

Yep, that’s right folks, The Red Lady came to town. Who’d have guessed that I would experience such a festivity!? The joy, the laughter, yada yada, fluffy things and cuddling, blah blah blah.

Bitch.

OK, the real reason that I was ticked was that I didn’t expect it for a few day. I don’t know why I was thinking I’d still go 28 days once the birth control stopped, but for some reason I did. But back to the 26 day cycle I go. Then again I was in the mid to high 30’s before I went on it again. I can just never tell now.

Saturday morning, Me:”Hubby, I’m crampy, it feels like I’m about to get my period”, Hubby: “ok…that’s not fun”. I know, what else is he going to say, lol. “Oh my darling, let me message your pelvic area and all that surrounds it in an unsuccessful attempt to alleviate your cramps”. More likely would be a “you know, there’s a cure for that” followed by an eyebrow waggle.

And, just because the it’s more funny this way, I was attending my uncle’s wedding all bloated. I decided to embrace it. I decided that I could be The Red Lady all on my own.

On the up side, I was able to inform my little brother that I had cramps on a semi-regular basis throughout the day. The little joys in life, such as a battle of wills between siblings as to who can say the more blunt and awkward things around the other. This is the same brother that inquired about my baby making schedule at family dinner.

I guess we’re back at CD 1 (for Saturday), but I’m still not going to track it…so much as I can help it that is.

OHmyboob!

So, I know that this is a possible side effect of birth control, but MY BOOBS ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF! They are constantly sore. Never seems to stop. I don’t even have this issue when The Red Lady is due. So why now? Has anyone else had this issue arise when they start taking something again even thought they’ve been on it before? They don’t seem bigger (although anything really will make them bigger when you’re a AA, lol) but a little fuller…does that make sense? firmer?

Hubby just came over to give me a hug a minute ago and all I could do was flinch “OHmyboob” when he leaned on me wrong. What an ass chap.

If it happens…

CD2

The Red Lady came full force and I’m compensating with coffee. Surprisingly, I also slept last night. It was pretty nice, I have to say, and a bit of a shock after all my coffee and how bad my insomnia has been. Didn’t even need a sleeping pill but I can take them now for the next week and a half when I need to. I’m not sure if we’re going to be very active on the trying this cycle. I think we’ve downgraded to “if it happens…” for now. I just can’t stress myself about it right now. I’ve been feeling significantly better (mentally) as of late, but I’m still not feeling totally myself. This whole process is just so fracking traumatizing after so long. And I know that a few years isn’t really “so long”, but it sure feels like  life time to me.

I’d been considering going to a counsellor, finding someone that specializes in grief/ miscarriage/ fertility issues, but then I’ve been feeling better (or at least emotionally better) so I had been putting it off. Is there such thing as cheery denial depression? I can laugh, enjoy things, feel mostly content, but I can’t seem to deal with reality. I’ve been avoiding anything serious and keeping myself distracted at every minute to avoid reality otherwise that angry/ bitter/ sad  person surfaces. It took me a while to realize that I was feeling like I had gone through my miscarriages all over again, but I don’t know why. I was being bombarded with all those fresh style emotions all over, and very much like after my first miscarriage I’ve been uninterested in the outside world. I think the TTC stress just did me in and my lack of  “success” has snapped right back around to feel like another loss. I have no idea whether this is coherent to you or not, but it makes sense to me. Usually I just need to take the time (slightly longer than most it usually seems) to sort it out in my head and then I can figure things out from there. So now that I figured that out I’m hoping it will ease off.

So on a happy note…or more accurately, on a peaceful note…The weather is getting nice. I’ve got pussy willows sprouting like mad men on the tree in my back yard, always the first sign that winter is going away. We had a decent snow on Wednesday night and  when I decided to be productive at 3am (with the lack of sleeping and all) I took out the trash. I don’t dress seasonally…ever…so I was wearing a little sundress and my runners and I stepped outside to take the bags to the curb. I hadn’t really noticed the snow come, but there was a few inches just sitting there. It was so quiet and calm outside and I got halfway down my drive before I realized that I wasn’t cold. Well, minus a little chill from the snow getting in my shoes. But I was standing there at 3am in a sundress in the snow and it was warm and quiet. I couldn’t help but stand out there for a while and enjoy it. Have you ever had warm snow? Man I love chinooks.

Not that this is coming as a shock to you guys, but I’ll be cutting back here for a while…technically I’ve been cutting back for a while already, but I just need to not think about things for a bit. So I’ll be in and out of here at random for the next little while. Maybe I’ll tale a cycle off, I’ don’t know.

Hi guys!

So it’s 5am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. My hubby isn’t home (out of town) to yell at me for not going to bed and I can’t take my newly re-prescribed sleeping pills until The Red Lady actually makes a cameo. And the worst part is that I’m not even tired. Just snacky. But I don’t want to eat cause I might get tired, jump on the chance to go to bed, and then get super acid reflux cause from lying down post eating. Don’t that just suck? So I thought I’d say hi.

Hi guys!

lol.

Ok. maybe a bit tired, but the sleep isn’t here yet. If not in the next half hour or so I’ll just have to stay up until Monster goes to school at noon. The life of an insomniac.

It can’t possibly be much longer, right? I mean, my temp did drop this morning…yesterday morning? technically. So I should get it…today? Did I mention I just went with the “to hell with this crap” method and made me some Kona coffee today. And I hade two and a half cups. It was delightful.

Sweetness

Just you try and sit still while you listen to this! A fusion of jazz and funk, its junk! 😉

So, I took a look and saw that I’m on CD 26. Previously I would have gotten all anxious thinking “today or tomorrow it is then”, but with the last two cycles continuously getting longer and my very unclear ovulation this month (I haven’t been keeping much track of it past my temps) seemingly later again, I could very well have another week. In fact, it’s more than likely that I do.

(pause to get the noodles)

I’m not entirely sure how this happened, but I realized the other day that my hubby had a pet name for me. He used to call me “dear” frequently and I think I just call him “hun” or “honey” but in all honestly, we really don’t refer to each other much at all. So when I noticed the other day that he called me “sweetness” and then realized that he’d been doing it for quite some time but I couldn’t recollect how long it had been, I couldn’t help but get a little mushy. We’re not mushy people, at least not conventionally mushy people. To us, a romantic date is tuna sandwiches and apple juice boxes while sitting on the floor. Maybe it’s not just what he says, but the way it comes out, which I can’t describe, but it just feels so damn sentimental when it comes out. Oddly personal.

(Pause to shovel more noodles in my mouth. Yes, I said shovel)

So I’m trying to figure out why, all of a sudden, I’m not seeming to stress about my looming visit from The Red Lady. Not that I’m complaining, more of an objective look at why I’m not getting emotional about this. Kind of like it’s happening to someone else. I can’t belive that I’ve just suddenly become all wise and calm and shit. Maybe I just got broke! Like how I used to be such an organization freak and when Hubby first moved in with me and my Mummy (back in the day) and I couldn’t get him to fold a towel right to save my life and one day I just snapped and stopped caring. You should see my house now, you’d NEVER guess that I used to be that way. I just can’t bring myself to care anymore about that stuff. So was my TTC breakdown a couple weeks ago the same kind of thing? I guess only time will tell.