the actual video for this song is pretty amusing, I’d suggest youtube’ing it. I just couldn’t link it and veiw it on here.

To be completely honest, I’ve been avoiding this post. Ya, I’ve been AWOL around here for months while Hubby and I jumped off the TTC wagon and back on the birth control, miscarriage counselling, and coffee. Well, the coffee was just me…you all know how much I love me my coffee.

So…I’m actually not too sure here, almost 4 weeks ago now I think…I had resigned myself to the fact that it was just not going to happen for me. I’d given up. I was never going to give my son siblings and I was never going to get off this hateful birth control if I wanted my hubby to come within 20 feet of me.

That very same night, Hubby rolls on over (we were laying down) and tells me he’s ready. What the HELL!? Part of me wanted to tell him where to stick it since I’d just started accepting the lack of trying, and of course the rest of me was saying “put tab A into slot B”. I go dispose of my birth control (more joyful about that than anything else really) and make a deal with myself that I’m going to do my best to ignore all fertility related news my body gives me. Good luck with that right? But I wanted to just ease into things as much as possible so I was going to try.

So far I’m actually doing pretty good. I’m not tracking my cycle day, my cervical position, trying not to track cervical fluid but it gets pretty damn obvious around the time you’re “not paying attention to” when you know what you’re looking at, and I’m not peeing on sticks twice a day. Lets see how long I can hold out. I’ve even kept to drinking my coffee for the time being to try andĀ convince myself that life is normal, quiet and I’m not anxiously trying to grow another human (preferably) in my theoretically perfectly fine uterus.

Posting this is my admission to myself that we’re actually trying again. First step to recovery is admitting, or something like that? But I’m still not getting my hopes up. Yes, Negative Nelly, Pessimistic Penelope, Antagonistic Annie. Maybe I’ll get a cape and make a super hero out of this?