Tag Archive: sex

Is sex sexy?

Since we’re all obsessed here about reproduction and all that, it’s kinda secondary to obsess over sex a little. Our sex drive, Dr prescribed sex, fun sex, sexy time, trying to make ourselves look/ feel sexy. I mean, how much more unsexy could we feel half the time when we’re suffering losses and fertility issues. It’s much easier to feel sexy when you’re actually fertile, plump with the life you’re bringing into the world, breasts enlarged, and knowing that your body is doing what it’s meant to do. Or before all that when you have no idea that sex = baby is not totally accurate and your body still has that “in my prime/ never been pregnant” lack of all that sags.

I’ll admit that my head kinda got stuck on this last night while I was watching True Blood. Here they are showing what I guess is supposed to be some epic sex scene between our two favorite characters (that True blood kinda ruined if you’re a fan of the books) and  I was awful. I was nitpicking it to death. His legs are too slim, why does he have his toes pointed?…that’s such a feminine pose…why did they put that scrap of fur blanket over his penis like that in the shape of a penis? Why does she look like she’s stoned? Who has these cheesy unconvincing conversations?

My theory is: they have directors, why did the directors not fix his frickin’ legs? He’s supposed to be the epitome of manly, not a damn ballerina. It ruined the sexy.

But is sex actually ever sexy? I have no clue. I’ve never had sex in front of a mirror or (my friends probably wont believe this part) recorded a video either. I have no idea what sex looks like from a perspective that is further than arms reach. I dont count porn either, since in reality I don’t think we’re so focused on posing, flexing and holding a certain facial expression to go with our cued noises (and if you are, chances are you’re not enjoying yourself properly).

You want to know what I think sex probably looks like?

Something that would make us look like this

More like the friends episode (that I can’t seem to find a video clip of) when Ross and Rachel accidentally recorded themselves and were a little horrified at how unsexy they were.

Maybe I just dont do sexy? Maybe it’s just me. But I think that things are good when you can get some laughs. Those faces we make, the grunts and other noises, trying to roll over and finding your waist length hair stuck under Hubby and getting yanked back by your head. Ya, sexy hey?






A different kind of progress

Well, it’s official. Hubby and I are no longer TTC. I can only hope that it’s not forever. I’m pretty sure that eventually we will try again, but I know that if we do and we loose again, there will be no options of ever trying again. Who knows, maybe he’d sneak out and get snipped while I wasn’t looking, just to be sure.

As has been painfully obvious to anyone in the know about our situation (aka you guys) Hubby has not been dealing with the issues at hand and was in some serious denial. He was so sure he’d dealt with the miscarriages and moved on but all he had done was to push them back and ignore them. What was the result? My own husband wouldn’t come near me with a ten foot pole, I became traumatized that he didn’t want me (way to kill any womans last ounce of self esteem), and our relationship has suffer right up to but not yet crossing irreparable damage.

I’ve tried talking to Hubby about these issues continuously, but in such a fashion that he was able to not admit to himself that the issues were anything other than in my head. I was depressed, he didn’t want to push me too much, so simply said that when I was ready to talk, he’d like me to see someone. One of those someones being his mother (actually that one turned into “If you dont call mom by the end of the week, I will and then you’ll have to talk to her”). She has suffered from severe depression and Hubby wanted me to have someone that could REALLY understand. But still, he was so sure that it was just a “me” issue and not an “us” issue.

So mom came out last week. I hadn’t talked to her yet because she’d been on holidays, and when she’d been here a couple days we had our chat. Well. No big shock that Hubby was pissed at the results because when she talked to him afterwards, he was still in denial. He didn’t talk to me for the next day, but surprisingly after about 24hrs, he pulled me aside to talk (aka rip a strip off me) and…he was forced to admit a lot of things…after the first half of the conversation chalked full of denial.

So the jist…

He wants more children, but is more afraid of me loosing another, and loosing me mostly, to follow through. My last miscarriage was so horrible physically (I’ll leave that for another post), that he’s afraid the next one will kill me (logic is not playing a role here, they don’t just get increasingly more severe each time they happen). So he’s set himself to me being selfish to risk my health/ life for a new child when he and Monster are here depending on me. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he didn’t want to TTC and was afraid that I would leave him if he refused. He finally admitted that sex and miscarriage were so linked in his mind that he couldn’t separate them enough to be with me, and that was where I made him realize that he didn’t deal with all this shit and he REALLY needs to see someone about it.

I’m going back on birth control as soon as The Red Lady comes, we’re going together to go see a counsellor from the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic as soon as she gets back to me, and he admits that he needs to be a bigger part of my and Monster’s lives (we have more of a roommate style relationship and that REALLY needs to change). Plus…he’s going to move me back into the city as soon as we can manage so I’m closer to my support network and have more resources available for me and Monster (since Hubby is gone so often with work).

Things are far from perfect here, but I’ve got some hope again that things can work out.

Dinner talk

Ok, so sometimes when you have no bubble who me? people are so used to you talking about absolutely anything, that it doesn’t occur to them that you may not always want to talk about certain things….like sex at the dinner table. More specifically, you having sex. Even more specifically, how often you have sex with your husband while trying to conceive. WAY more specifically…this was ask by my little brother…at a family dinner…in front of my step-dad. If I wasn’t a slight bit touchy about the momentary hiatus of TTC, I’d have wet my pants laughing at the lack of appropriate timing.

This was last week.

Right now, I’ve got my MIL  in town for a week, and after my bad morning yesterday we started chatting about my current situation. Normally she’s the first person I’m willing to talk to but the way I’d been feeling lately I just hadn’t been talking to anyone. So, shortly into the conversation, she asks me about sex too. I always talked to my mom about sex before, so it’s not a far stretch to talk to my MIL about it, but I couldn’t help finding it hysterical to have her ask me about this and Hubby’s libido and mine and all the associated stuff there. It was good to get it off my chest, and strangely not uncomfortable.

The result of it was that about every hour for the rest of the day, I got the giggles remembering my little brother asking “so what, do you just have sex like crazy every time Hubby is home?”

That’s my brother. And he’s as blunt and strange as me. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

*cough cough* pot and kettle

Oh, my goodness, what is with you crazy women? I don’t catch up on my blogs for a couple days and now I have 25 new posts to read! How self-centered of you all to just keep writing about yourselves so much (what do you mean I’m just as bad, never. *cough cough* pot and kettle). 😉

I’m feeling good today! not just not feeling bad, but actually good! Can you say the same? I hope you can. And just the fact that I feel light and humorous today…and sociable (I called my mom today just to say hi even, like a good daughter should…and she gave me heck for not calling to tell her I got home ok. 2 days ago, lol). I went over to see my friend Charity this morning and she scanned me through Netfix (which I now really want) and then we played on the playstation wii equivalent and she won my heart over again by playing archery and gladiators with me. My hammer (think Thor) was way more effective than her sword. Good laughs all round. Topped off with coffee (yes, I’m having a “fuck it” month and letting myself have the occasional coffee along with not keeping tract of anything more than my temps) and a bacon sandwich and ya, great morning! The only way it would be better would be if I could go out in my bikini and tan and the back yard.

And I had sex last night. And it wasn’t crappy ass “dr prescribed” sex, but fun “just cause we can” sex. So there. Better mood already 😉

And then I hurt his feelings

I hate talking when I dont know what to say. My poor hubby was trying to figure out what was wrong with me yesterday and once he figured out that the “I’m just not feeling good” was not refering to physically (his natural assumption since he was aware that I’d only slept 1.5 hrs and since he’s fighting a cold) he assumed I was mad at him. I didn’t know how to explain to him that I was mad at HIM, but that I’m sad and I have a lot of generalized anger just floating around in there and that I’m angry and upset about sex and continuously asking for something I don’t even want as a means to try and get what we do want and all the getting shut down. I know it didn’t come out all smooth and I was having trouble talking because I was crying. I’m pretty sure I only succeeded in hurting his feelings and he thinks I’m being unfair to him. Of course there is nothing fair about this to either of us. And now I feel guilty for hurting his feelings among everything else.

But one of my friends called today, I haven’t spoken to him in months. We were inseparable in grade 12, we went to grad together (even though he hooked up with someone else by the end of the evening), he joined me in Oz and SE Asia for a few months and he’s always been that crazy male friend that can translate what I’m saying into english and who can make me feel better just by being there. And he called just to say he missed me and he wants me to get a sitter for an evening just so we can go out and have some QT. He’s like a brother to me, makes me happy, makes me laugh, has no issues with telling me if I’m getting too chubby (it happens at rare times) and accepts me no matter what and loves even my bad side. The kind of guy you wish you had a sister to marry him to so that you’d have a claim on him forever because he’d officially be family. So hopefully I’ll be able to get together with him this weekend or shortly after. I could sure use it.

I’ve come to a conclusion that I can’t say I favor, but I’m shocked that the obviousness of the possibility hadn’t struck me yet.

I don’t think I’m sick at all.

I don’t think I’ve been fighting anything for the last month that had left me nearly bed ridden, with no appetite, and struggling to care about everything/ anything around me.

And yet I’m sure that if I had looked at myself objectively I’d have noticed, just like I’m sure that many of you have likely noticed. I think I’m depressed, and not in the “oh, that’s ass, but I’ll feel better tomorrow” kind of way. I’ve always been a positive person and I think any chipper that has been coming out of me at times is mearly formed from habit. I haven’t felt happy in a long time (other than my odd rubber room style excitedness for a few days last month). I really have nothing to complain about logically, but logic isn’t living here right now. Without distraction I swing from gut stabbing sad to numb and a lot of anger thrown in for variety. Who me? angry? What a shock, no one noticed.

But I’ve realized that I seem to be hating life in a pretty hard way lately. I want another child so badly and the loss of my 2nd and 3rd are still so strong. The idea of not giving my son a sibling is killing me since I think that growing up and only child is horrible and has some very negative consequences and I want to prevent that any way possible, plus I know that my family isn’t complete as it is. So I keep trying to get pregnant. And that in itself seems to be bringing me lower every day.

I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to ask my husband to have sex with me all the time. I make it look like I want to have sex to try and make my husband feel like a man, and I want to want to have sex. I wish I enjoyed sex, but the only thing I get out of it is the comfort of physical proximity to my husband, someone actually touching me other than my son. I’ve always been a very physically affectionate person and I feel starved for physical comfort nowadays. I don’t have my friends around to snuggle up to, hold my hands, hug me (and I’m known to being almost overwhelming in the amount of hugs I like), kiss my cheeks. And my husband and I are not very physical anymore. He doesn’t snuggle me, he gives me a little kiss when he comes home or leaves, or if I ask him for one while he’s at the computer. He doesn’t hug me anymore unless I ask him for one.

I’m almost willing to completely give up on the idea of having another child simply because I’m so tired of begging him to sleep with me and being turned down. Every time I’m leading up to ovulation he’s not feeling well and I hate saying “I’m going to ovulate soon” and that’s a really last-ditch effort if I do…and I always end up having to say it. And still often nothing happens.

I know my husband loves me, but I couldn’t tell you if he was in love with me, I just don’t know that. I know he likes me as a person, he obviously thinks I’m a good person and a good mother. But I don’t interest him. And sadly I’m pretty sure that it’s not only mentally (we’ve never had anything in common and I’m not exactly in league with the intelligent conversationalist of the world. I’m a simple girl with simple wants and that’s how I’ve always been. I don’t see it a negative thing for me) but also physically. I know he used to love having sex with me. There was a time when that was the case. But every time I have to essentially beg for sex that I don’t want to have because the last thing I feel is wanted, it just makes me more and more bitter. I’ve had the discussion with him about it, and he tried to put in more effort for a short time, but now we’re back to nothing.

I can’t sleep because I can’t relax. I finally realized that. I retreat further and further into my books in desperate need of distraction from my thoughts that are an unclear mess of anger and tears. Last night I managed 1.5 hrs in which I woke up 3 times. During this afternoon I brought my son to be with me and just held on to him while he slept. I dozed in and out of sleep for 2 hours and then my son left and there was just this cold empty spot where he’d been. It’s seemed like such a bad, cheesy picture of how I felt. Cold and empty. And it’s everything in my power right now to care enough to keep things from being really crappy for Monster just because of how I’m feeling, and I realized I’m not doing a great job of it.

I feel like trying to have a child has killed the parts of me that I liked.

Would I care if I never had sex again?

CD 15 OPK – (I’ll try again tonight)

It seems that my bla day has extended on. I’m going to be honest here. I’m getting pretty sick of sex. Hubby and I have been doing a pretty good job of having fun sex vs dr prescribed sex, but it’s still me continuously asking him to have sex with me. Other than one morning to cure a hangover, I can’t think of the last time he initiated sex. And he still turns me down at times. During my 2ww, there is no touching. At that point I don’t see any reason to harass him and I would rather only have sex if he wants to. but whats a TTC girl to do?

The slightly bitter part of me wants to say fuck it. I’m curious as to how long it would take for him to want to have sex or at least wonder why I haven’t been harassing him anymore. I try to make myself look nice, shave my legs, wear nicer clothes (or underwear), but I’m pretty sure that it would make no difference if I was make-up free, bristly, and a week from shower. For some reason, my hubby just doesn’t register or care.

I know he means no harm, and I doubt it’s anything personal, but seriously. I’d like to say “when it happens, it happens” but that would only be remotely doable if we didn’t have fertility issues. I’ pretty sure I have something craptastic like a 12 hour fertility window and if I don’t make it I’m hooped.

What happened to the days of not being able to keep our hands off each other?

This was one of our favorites when we were first dating. I miss those days. You know, the ones where the thought of not having sex was a nightmare instead of a relief? It’s ridiculous, but I’d like to feel like a woman, and I need some help from hubby in that department. TTC has killed my sex life.

And to any men reading this (maybe one or two, lol) go hit on your wife (girlfriend/ partner). Just for the heck of it.

I’m devastated. I can’t help but feel this way and yet technically nothing has happened.

When I asked my hubby if he was good for me to go off birth control and he said yes, that told me that he was ready. That and before hand he had told me that it was just a matter of when I was going to be ready. So I thought that he was. I guess really, he thought that he was. So as sexy as it is to say “hey hunny, I’m ovulating”, I try to keep that as a last resort. And I know he hasn’t been feeling good and is really run down from work so I’ve been using those excuses to avoid what I thought the real problem is. How can we possibly say we are trying when I can’t get my husband to have sex with me? Last month, it was seriously a struggle. I had to pull out all the stops and still, most of the time he was turning me down. So after I ovulated, I just gave up trying. But now, as my body is primed and ready my hubby is running the other direction. Yes, he wants more kids. Yes, he likes sex (at least in theory at this point).

All this started with a question I raised last night, “what do you think about taking the crib down?”. No. plain and simple. He said that if we take it down we are giving up. At first I thought he was saying that if we take it down he’s not willing to try again (the heels are about to dig in and a bit of a fit is coming on) but then I realized that he was saying that by taking it down he feels like it means we are giving up the idea of having more. like, “this is it for us”. And he’s not ok with that (obviously). But to me, I’m looking at that crib every day, empty (well, empty of a baby, it’s stashing my telescope), and all I can think of when I see it is what I’m missing. My miscarriages never overlapped due dates. I should have three children right now. And here I am staring at this reminder feeling like having it there is jinxing me. We really couldn’t have more opposite views of it.

So last night after turning me down yet again, he curls me up and say “I’m just too scared”. So I now realized that I may have moved onto being more afraid of not having more children than I am of the possibility of loosing them, But he hasn’t. He never really dealt with either loss. never talked about it other than listening to me, never cried except to see me hurting, and the only thing he really felt was anger. It surprised me that he was finally out of the anger/ denial in order to think about it enough to be scared. Not to say that I expect my hubby to be strong and solid all the time, but he’s been avoiding dealing with it for so long that I’d given up trying to get him to. But the problem  is that now he’s so afraid of loosing another child and what it does to me (don’t we all wish we could take the pain for our loved ones) that he can’t have sex with me. And not just when I’m ovulating because he can’t separate it in his mind. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it again. I know that this isn’t him trying to hurt me, or not wanting more kids or not finding me attractive, but God it hurts. He didn’t say this but I know when he thinks of having sex with me all he can think of is dead babies. And I know it’s not rational or accurate, but I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. And I feel like my chance has been taken from me.

I know, now doesn’t mean never. But not only is it hard for me to get pregnant, but to stay pregnant, and how many opportunities will I get. Some people get pregnant when you look at them funny, not I. and I’m so scared to wait, to have it put off longer. But I can’t not respect my hubby’s feelings (even if I didn’t actually need his assistance here) so that means that it’s off. trying has been postponed. I’m not upset with him for feeling the way he does, but I’m trying not to be mad about him not figuring this out before I went off my birth control (I know, you can’t choose when things will hit you). I just feel rejected and empty.