Tag Archive: secondary infertility


CD 18 DPO 0?

Ever since last night I’ve been trotting along with the song “who’s afraid of the big bad cheese” stuck in my head. For most of my life I’ve pretty much had no point in which there wasn’t a song stuck in there and last night, this was it. “Big bad cheese”? Ya, I know, it’s supposed to be wolf, but Monster is now at the point where he changes the words of everything and I’m just glad it’s not “poop” for a change.

This all started because I was too lazy to pull out a story book so I decided to spout one off from mostly memory (because I can only mostly remember it). And every time it came to singing the song, he changed the words. I thought it was cute, so we kept singing it and flapping around and then I remember my dream…

I’m completely content in a noisy house of crazy monster children. Three or four of them, singing and dancing, very much like a big party but it’s made up of me and my children. I could gather them in a little circle and tell them stories while they participate in parts. The older ones can start telling stories of their own. We could all play together and never be lonely or bored. And when Daddy gets home he’d have a doggy-pile of monsters all trying to be the first to get a hug and a kiss. Then at the end of the day Hubby  and I  would fall into bed, exhausted but fulfilled, and smile at the thought of our crazy happy kids…then maybe pretend to make some more (because I don’t think I’d need more after four…but I’d still take them). I could have my strong-headed children that all took care of and loved each other very much and were super close and knew that family came first. The movie cheaper by the dozen makes a bit angry jealous.

I want it so bad. And knowing that my Monster should have 2 siblings and that they were taken away from us just kills me even more when I think about my dreams of the future.

So today is a song for which I am incapable of being stressed during.

Meet the Robinsons

CD 31 DPO 16

I don’t know who of you have seen this movie. Maybe you’ve watched it with your niece or nephew, some kids you babysat once, by yourself because you have this secret addiction to kids Disneyesk movies (who me?) or also like myself you suffer from secondary infertility and you are trying to find more variety for your kid to watch so can turn off Frackin’ Nemo (ok, I love Nemo, but it’s getting too much).

Did I mention before that I’m a big giant cry-baby? because I’m not…..unless of course it has little to do with reality. I regularly bawl when watching tv, listening to the radio, reading a book…and of course, Disneyesk movies. They are my ultimate kryptonite. My mom took me (I can’t remember why because I was in high school here) to see Tarzan in the theater and was mildly embarrassed (warranted) because I was crying my eyes out at the beginning of the movie. Right at the beginning! They killed the baby gorilla! I think I’ve been a little traumatized by Disney since then. That poor baby gorilla. Lol, yes I know it’s just a cartoon.

My mother in law has this theory that kinda applies to more that just recently. She said something along the lines of “A broken heart takes time to heal”. With my life, I’ve honestly had a broken heart for most of it. that’s never prevented me from living that said life, but I admit that I’ve always nursed some issues (haven’t we all?). So I don’t cry normally, I’m an angry crier only. when I get really mad (and it’s hard to get me mad) the tears start a streaming. It can be deceiving, but if you know me well enough and my face and chest are  red/ purple/ mix of the two and I’m crying…best to run the other way. So all that broken heart comes out during shows, musics, whatever.

This brings us to the Robinsons. At the very beginning of the movie (so no, I’m not giving anything but the first 30 seconds away), this woman sneaks up with a bundle in her hand. She looks down at said bundle (baby) and gives it a kiss, puts him on a doorstep, rings the bell and bolts. Whats your first reaction? Is it “THAT FRACKIN’ BITCH!!!!!!!!!!” And then you proceed to lose it and can’t stop crying for the next 5 minutes so you head to the kitchen so no one can see you? Probably not. Of course what I’m really thinking is just give him to me, I want him. But of course he’s a carton and when you adopt a cartoon baby they have a tendency to put you in a rubber room.

Then again, screw it. Bring on all the rubber rooms you want. Just give me my damn babies (even if the are oh, cartoons and , ya know, gorillas).

Why can’t someone just leave a baby on my doorstep…and let me keep it.

Tomorrow I have to get up at 6am and I don’t even get paid for it. I know, I’m spoiled with never having to be up before 8 or 9 but I make up for it with late hours. So hubby and I have to leave the house by 6:30 to go to town and be at the hospital for 7:30 and wait around for I dunno how long…cant be more than 1.5 hours because they only do the HSG from 8-9  am. Yep, that’s right folks, it’s dye up that uterus day! From there we have a 9:45 scan my innards (but at least I don’t need a full bladder), his 10:00 with the plastic couch, a bunch of really old and dirty porno mags and a cup. All to be finished up with a romantic stabbing for two. He only needs the chromosomal labs, but I have to be completely drained of blood to fill the thousand vials they will need. And we all know my LOVE of needles. Lets just hope that I don’t a) cry like a sissy, b) have a panic attack, or c) punch someone. I suppose there is option d) pass out, but more than likely if I did it would be after. 

Doesn’t that sound like a delightful morning? Then I have to rush home and play volunteer parent to Monster’s preschool christmas party (and ignore the lovely cramping post HSG) then take an over sugared 3 yr old home for fake Christmas. If I’m lucky there will be a nap in there (for me too, I’ll be tired). 

So I may be getting shot up with dye, scanned and stabbed, but at least I get presents after (and spiral ham…drool).