Tag Archive: pregnant

What if…

I’ll let you in on a little secret here. I never see it coming. The Red Lady that is. I don’t really get bloated, cramps come ~ half a day later, my boobs don’t get sore…correction, any more sore. They are ALWAYS sore nowadays (that’s an ass-chapper letmetellya).

So, I’ve been thinking, like I said I wasn’t going to, what if I could be pregnant? Today is that day that The Red Lady would appear on a short (and previously normal just like last month) cycle. But How can I tell if she just hasn’t got around to showing yet, or if this is a time-tested grade A quality torture method like when I added a couple days to every cycle I had and I ended up going from 25 to what was it 38 days or some crap like that?

I have this theory that I’ll only ever be pregnant when I’m really sure that I’m not (which has been the case before). That sound be the case this month with Hubby being gone so much, but then there is the part of me that thinks “what if he did get home in time?”. Because I’m thinking I ovulated right before he came back, but I’m not really tracking…just going by CF here since I just can’t NOT notice that.

And just because I’m thinking what if, you know that this month is a write-off anyways.

CD 25

I really don’t have a lot of hope here, my temps have stayed a steady low…but what if just maybe I was pregnant anyways? Wouldn’t that be just swell? I’m so tired of the waiting. I think that maybe if I could get some goods between the bads, it would just make this feel a bit more doable.

Today taking Monster to preschool, one of the other moms said to me “you should have more” to keep me company while Monster is at school or just to keep me occupied? I know she didn’t mean anything by it, and I probably do stare at her baby more than a normal stranger does, but it just had that hit to it. “Working on it” was all I could manage. The lobby of the church preschool is not exactly the place for a “well I’m trying but the survival rate for my children is at a known 33% so maybe less so far” comment. She’s kinda the only mom there that talks to me too, so I don’t want to come off as a bitch. I guess I’m not too good at making friends, lol. Maybe they can’t take my realness never mind, that a joke with my hubby.

The acupuncturist said that it felt like my period was coming or that I’m just doing really well because my pulse was really strong for a change. Lets hope it’s just from all that exercising I’ve been doing. Although I blew my “exercised every day this year” routine because I was at mummy’s this weekend and was too distracted on saturday to remember. So then I got lazy yesterday too. I knew if I missed one it was all down hill from there. But I got on that stairmaster today and watched  the first half of Clash of the Titans while I did my thing. And yes, it is an awful movie…and yes, I do intend on watching the rest. It’s bad, but at least it not boring like that Robert Pattinson one where he’s a strange teenager who has a shrink move in with him, don’t remember the name, but I got half way though and turned it off. And I NEVER turn something off when I’ve already started it (other than to pause).

On a good note, the acupunturist says that we’re all good to boot the herbs. They seemed to start having a reverse effect on me so now we’re just going to make sure that none of my symptoms that the herbs were for come back with a vengeance.

Now you have me over analysing

So, I haven’t stopped peeing all day ( or so it feels like). I’ve been drinking, but not to the extent that I’m peeing, I think. I’ve never associated frequent trips to the loo with initial pregnancy untill reading other blogs recently and apparently I’m the only one that didn’t think so. So now I’m over thinking it, and I know it’s just wishful thinking. Maybe. What am I saying, I’d only be 4 days pregnant. How is it that you are so suspicious so soon.

I managed to get into my dr today to discuss what happened at my fertility specialist appointment. I was glad to hear that he was happy to monitor my progesterone for me for however long  I want and was a bit confused about the specialist thinking it wasn’t important. He was sure that when I because pregnant that she would start doing so, but why the heck would I wait untill I know I’m pregnant, call for an appointment, wait the few weeks untill the appointment, get labs done, and THEN find out if there is an issue (and then wait to get a prescription). At that rate it may already be too late. I could be 2 months pregnant by the time anything is being taken care of. It’s already been found that my progesterone was too low, so it’s not like I’m just reaching for random things here. I had an entire weekend of fixating on this, not in an anxiety fashion, but in a “what the hell is she thinking?” fashion. I wish she had just explained it to me.  Is she indirectly monitoring something to do with my progesterone (not according to my family dr), did she think it wasn’t important because she thought the cause was something else? (even so she should monitor it because it is a legitimate cause of miscarriage), or does she have some other plan going on?

I’m the kind of person that doesn’t react too much about things at first and then they fester, so over time I get more and more angry/ frustrated/ hurt….. But at least I’m not just sitting around. I’m now sticking with the hands on assertive approach. It prevents wallowing at least. Is it going to be a problem  if I asked for a different fertility dr? I’m told that there are 5 in the clinic, but I don’t want to burn my bridges before I even get going with them or get a bad rep. What do you guys think? you ever had this issue? I can’t stand dr’s that ignore what I’m saying and don’t explain anything to me in a way that I can get it (and get obviously irritated when I keep asking questions). It makes me want to kick them in the chin.

Wish I were pregnant cravings

Everyone expects cravings out of a pregnant woman. Of course when I am pregnant, I didn’t seem to have this issue, my eating habits never change. But do you think that when you want to be pregnant so bad that your body will start pulling out the check list and marking off things that aren’t there? The this may happen when your pregnant list?

So I’ve been having some crazy cravings lately. Not crazy strange, but crazy all day, every day same thing. I want me a ROASTED CHICKEN DINNER! seriously. This is all I want to eat for the last couple weeks. Roasted chicken with nice dark golden crispy skin, so juicy, with mashed potatoes (garlic or dill…always cream cheese in the potatoes), yorkshire pudding (they really go with everything), stuffing, and whatever veggie I have lying around. I’ve even been thinking of throwing some cranberry sauce in there like it’s a turkey. And butter buns. Soft white fluffy butter buns (because there are never any yorkshire puddings around for the leftovers. SO good. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I’m trying to hold off though. My Hubby can only take so much chicken (even though I make the leftovers into curry and quesadilla and other things for him. chicken is still chicken, and he likes BEEF! lol. Yes, traditional man, steak and beer. He nicely asked if I could keep in to an every second week thing. I’m seriously thinking about making two meals.

I’m surrounded

I couldn’t help but laugh, in the “are you fricken kidding me?” kinda style last night. I went to my stepbrother’s wedding (and a pretty nice wedding it was) and as soon as the ceremony ended and everyone got up, it seemed the entire guest list was pregnant or with babies. Everywhere I turned I was bumping into bellies. Two in the wedding party, although one was just little but you could tell by the way she held her stomach it wasn’t the “left overs” from baby bump but a proud protrusion. I swear that I’d seen many of these women at the bridal shower and yet somehow didn’t notice (how do you not notice?). Or maybe everyone is just starting to look familiar to me in the “hello my fellow human” sense. I dunno. I thought I was just being overly conscious of it, but my little brother’s wife was feeling the weight of the bellies too. You’d think we’d gone to the wrong place and were at The Baby Show at the Roundup center or something.

But the food, I must mention the food. When you choose your chicken or beef, you think it’s pretty generic. But here comes in AAA Alberta steak with a perfect peppercorn sauce and Chicken with some creamy white wine sauce with chubby shrimp. Originally, this would have been an issue (they really should have announced the shrimp fact for the shellfish people) with my husband being one of several guests allergic to shrimp, but my date ended up being my almost 3-year-old son so I was left with the option of both our meals. I had started out with the intention of eating both (my belt was borrowed from my sister and was a touch too loose) but by the time I’d gotten half way through the steak it was too good to switch over and I was only able to manage the shrimp from the other plate. Really, it’s was impressive that I managed the whole steak down (I’m a 4’10”, 100 lb girl…not usually room for as much as I was given). And to top it off, the smoothest cheese cake I’ve ever tasted in my life. There were a lot of other sides/ the fancy salad, sticks of chocolate for edible garnish, but I’m not  so good a the proper descriptions. My mouth is still watering for that steak. So tender. Lets just say that my belt fit pretty snug after that.

In the end, it was the many kids that over-through the dance floor for the evening. It was hard but sweet seeing all these happy toddlers and barely able to walk kids flapping about with mothers holding babies on the outskirts, it made me realize “when was the last time I just let loose and had a great time like that?” But I can’t think of when. Kinda depressing. Need to work on that.

At least I have you Steak

Why. WHY!

A couple of weeks ago we got a text from my husband’s sister. She’s pregnant again. Ok, I’m jealous, but I’m happy for her. She’s a great mom and we knew they were going to be trying around now again. She wanted the knowledge out there, from her, so that it wasn’t like it would sneak up on us from other sources. But she was nervous to tell us because she didn’t want to seem like she was flaunting it to us. I appreciate it and know she’s very genuine in her compassion and concern. But now I get a call from my mom. Another sister-in-law is pregnant! pretty much just as far along as the other. This one is hitting me sooooo BAD! The one that said “I don’t want any more kids” and not even trying!

And I’m trying to be happy for them (mostly for my brother’s sake, I know he wanted more). But I’m JEALOUS and ANGRY! and my mom tells me to “just be happy for them. It will happen for you too”. Well it’s not that simple. I really didn’t want to know this. I would have been perfectly happy NOT being my mothers someone-to-tell. And I feel guilty now too because I’m sure my mother expected me to be really excited about a new niece or nephew (not that I ever get to see the one I have from them already) and I’ve probably killed that buzz she had from her “I’m going to be a gramma again” news. but I’m not in that happy place that I was last time. And if anyone was going to tell me, it really should have been my brother himself. I think this is the first time I’ve wished my mom kept a secret from me.

And now I can’t stop crying.

Update: ok, so I’ve realized that the bigger problem is the who and not as much the what. I’ve calmed down today, but her being pregnant is still kinda touchy. She was SO mean to me about being pregnant with my son and said horrible things about me behind my back (crazy, “your logic is not human logic” kinda things) and so ya, I have an issue with her to say the least.

I apologized to my mom for the minor freak out over the phone…she understands…but she’s still trying to play make-up between the two of us, and I really wish she would just leave it. I’m not rebonding with her just because she’s pregnant. But what’s a mother to do, right?