Tag Archive: insomnia


Hi guys!

So it’s 5am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. My hubby isn’t home (out of town) to yell at me for not going to bed and I can’t take my newly re-prescribed sleeping pills until The Red Lady actually makes a cameo. And the worst part is that I’m not even tired. Just snacky. But I don’t want to eat cause I might get tired, jump on the chance to go to bed, and then get super acid reflux cause from lying down post eating. Don’t that just suck? So I thought I’d say hi.

Hi guys!

lol.

Ok. maybe a bit tired, but the sleep isn’t here yet. If not in the next half hour or so I’ll just have to stay up until Monster goes to school at noon. The life of an insomniac.

It can’t possibly be much longer, right? I mean, my temp did drop this morning…yesterday morning? technically. So I should get it…today? Did I mention I just went with the “to hell with this crap” method and made me some Kona coffee today. And I hade two and a half cups. It was delightful.

I’ve come to a conclusion that I can’t say I favor, but I’m shocked that the obviousness of the possibility hadn’t struck me yet.

I don’t think I’m sick at all.

I don’t think I’ve been fighting anything for the last month that had left me nearly bed ridden, with no appetite, and struggling to care about everything/ anything around me.

And yet I’m sure that if I had looked at myself objectively I’d have noticed, just like I’m sure that many of you have likely noticed. I think I’m depressed, and not in the “oh, that’s ass, but I’ll feel better tomorrow” kind of way. I’ve always been a positive person and I think any chipper that has been coming out of me at times is mearly formed from habit. I haven’t felt happy in a long time (other than my odd rubber room style excitedness for a few days last month). I really have nothing to complain about logically, but logic isn’t living here right now. Without distraction I swing from gut stabbing sad to numb and a lot of anger thrown in for variety. Who me? angry? What a shock, no one noticed.

But I’ve realized that I seem to be hating life in a pretty hard way lately. I want another child so badly and the loss of my 2nd and 3rd are still so strong. The idea of not giving my son a sibling is killing me since I think that growing up and only child is horrible and has some very negative consequences and I want to prevent that any way possible, plus I know that my family isn’t complete as it is. So I keep trying to get pregnant. And that in itself seems to be bringing me lower every day.

I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to ask my husband to have sex with me all the time. I make it look like I want to have sex to try and make my husband feel like a man, and I want to want to have sex. I wish I enjoyed sex, but the only thing I get out of it is the comfort of physical proximity to my husband, someone actually touching me other than my son. I’ve always been a very physically affectionate person and I feel starved for physical comfort nowadays. I don’t have my friends around to snuggle up to, hold my hands, hug me (and I’m known to being almost overwhelming in the amount of hugs I like), kiss my cheeks. And my husband and I are not very physical anymore. He doesn’t snuggle me, he gives me a little kiss when he comes home or leaves, or if I ask him for one while he’s at the computer. He doesn’t hug me anymore unless I ask him for one.

I’m almost willing to completely give up on the idea of having another child simply because I’m so tired of begging him to sleep with me and being turned down. Every time I’m leading up to ovulation he’s not feeling well and I hate saying “I’m going to ovulate soon” and that’s a really last-ditch effort if I do…and I always end up having to say it. And still often nothing happens.

I know my husband loves me, but I couldn’t tell you if he was in love with me, I just don’t know that. I know he likes me as a person, he obviously thinks I’m a good person and a good mother. But I don’t interest him. And sadly I’m pretty sure that it’s not only mentally (we’ve never had anything in common and I’m not exactly in league with the intelligent conversationalist of the world. I’m a simple girl with simple wants and that’s how I’ve always been. I don’t see it a negative thing for me) but also physically. I know he used to love having sex with me. There was a time when that was the case. But every time I have to essentially beg for sex that I don’t want to have because the last thing I feel is wanted, it just makes me more and more bitter. I’ve had the discussion with him about it, and he tried to put in more effort for a short time, but now we’re back to nothing.

I can’t sleep because I can’t relax. I finally realized that. I retreat further and further into my books in desperate need of distraction from my thoughts that are an unclear mess of anger and tears. Last night I managed 1.5 hrs in which I woke up 3 times. During this afternoon I brought my son to be with me and just held on to him while he slept. I dozed in and out of sleep for 2 hours and then my son left and there was just this cold empty spot where he’d been. It’s seemed like such a bad, cheesy picture of how I felt. Cold and empty. And it’s everything in my power right now to care enough to keep things from being really crappy for Monster just because of how I’m feeling, and I realized I’m not doing a great job of it.

I feel like trying to have a child has killed the parts of me that I liked.

CELEBRATION!!!!!!

Good times, come on, let’s celebrate!

CD1 (didn’t see that coming did you?)

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!!!!

Ya, that bitch arrived today and I’ve never been so happy to finally get my period in my life. I couldn’t stand the stress of being so damn late and having so many -HPT’s. Then there is that damn evil cycle of stress=increased insomnia= can’t eat= nausea= stress = you know. So, the penis may have been defeated this month but I just feel so happy to be able to start a new cycle and get moving on again. Of course the happy is just sitting in there at the moment because I’m feeling to awful to act on it. I nearly fainted this morning…and this afternoon trying to walk around the house and force feed myself (to be honest even the coffee didn’t really want to go down but I made it do my bidding damn it!) Lets just say after a week of feeling so assy, the look in the mirror this morning was a bit of a shocker (did I mention that I weight fluctuate super fast?). I could see ribs and lots of them (EWWW) and that collar bone I love so much was just a little too defined. Now that The Red Lady has arrived I’m hoping the lack of stress and improved mood will kill off my other problems…but I booked an appointment with my dr just incase  it hasn’t by then.

I really want to go try some more coffee seeing as I successfully stuffed a pb&j english muffin down my throat and I think the coffee may go down better on a non-empty pit but I’m afraid of it keeping me up more. Then again, can it really make a difference at this point? I’ll have to see.

But now I must crawl back into bed because I just don’t have the energy in me to sit here any longer.

p.s. I was so happy that the first thing I did was to make my way down to the litter box to clean it. Because we all know how exciting it is to scoop up cat crap!

Oscar

CD 35 HPT –

How am I today? I’ll give you three guesses and the first 2 don’t count.

I feel like ass. I’m getting grumpier…almost past my “amusing myself” grumpy state and sinking right into curling up in bed and ignoring the entire universe. I’m almost at the point of letting Monster sit and watch movies all day, which is pretty bad seeing as I’ve previously been refered to as the “TV nazi” because I let him watch a bit of TV only after he gets up from his nap…at 5 or 6 in the evening. I can’t stand the sight of food right now which in itself make you feel pretty crappy, nauseous if you eat, nauseous of you don’t. I’m going on another bout of insomnia (I suffer off and on) so on an amazing night I’m at 6 hrs of sleep but getting closer between 3 and 4. Surprisingly I’m not feeling all that tired. At lease I still have something to read while I can’t get to sleep 😉 .

I think I’m morphing into Oscar. I may need to find myself a garbage can soon. How bad do you think I’d scare people if I snarked at them as they walked past my garbage can? you think anyone would call the police on the wacko in the can? I think Nasty Dan and I would get along real good right about now.

Have a nasty Day. 😉