Tag Archive: Hubby


Minor Funk

Putting in a song that makes me smile since I’m grumpy. The Me First and the Gimme Gimmes version is preferred but I couldn’t attach a clip.

Today was Monster’s first day back at school for the year. Maybe it’s just my mood today but I’m really starting to wonder if I like many kids that aren’t my own. Probably just me.

I had my slumber party with LB last night. Nothing out of the ordinary but it was nice to spend time with him. We watched the Princess and the Frog or whatever that newer Disney movie is called and it was cute but Monster is very concerned about those crazy-ass voodoo masks and why they took the bad guy away and I’m just not up to explaining Voodoo to a 3 yr old. Hell, I can’t explain it to myself! Alls I know is that it’s in the South, they talk in a way that makes me smile and giggle with a jumble of french in there, that there’s a lot of spicy food, and that voodoo is creepy. And that could easily be all incorrect information due to TV.

So, my minor funk started out with getting a crap sleep. I forgot to bring PJ’s since…well…I don’t wear any and it didn’t occur to me to bring them. I dug out some clothes that I have bagged in the back of my car trying to remember to drop them off at a donation bin but never do. I was wearing jogging pants and a t-shirt that were ~2 sizes too small and laying in a foreign bed in a foreign room and it was too hot. Monster and I tossed all night and kept each other up a good part of it. I’m really not used to sleeping in beds other than my own and occasionally at my parents. In summation, I was tired.

Then at school they were doing the “get to know the kids” portion and would ask them question and if it applied to the kid, they’d stand up. What does Monster stand up to? “Stand up if you have a sister”. I tried to get him to sit down (I was the volunteer parent today) and he turned around and glared at me (would have been funny if it were for a different question) “yes I do!”. Yay, for drawing attention there. What am I going to say though? Ya, actually he does/ did but that she’s dead, to a group of 3/ 4 yr olds? No. So I just left him to have his turn, like many other children that only stood up because other kids were too, and I had to have a little bathroom break to cry. Obviously Darla has been on my mind more than normal the last few weeks.

Just top that off with I’ve barely scene Hubby in the last month (9 days I think I got?) and I’m just a little lonely for him. And I think I ovulated today…and he’s coming home tomorrow night. Go team me.

 

Sick shouldn’t be sexy

CD…ummm…early single digets somewhere

Logically, sick should be…unappealing, right? I mean, YAY germs! “Come on over Mr. Mucus” isn’t exactly what runs through your head first when someone has a cold. More like “Run away! Run AWAY!!!” Well that’s no ordinary rabbit. That’s the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!

Hubby was supposed to be gone with work for a couple weeks but ended up coming home after being on stand-by for two days, he’s going back tomorrow to finish up the stint though.

Hubby gets home and all I hear is the door slam and then nothing. I go to the garage to find Hubby lugging in his bags wearing jeans, white runner (for some reason I like white runners and they were new so they were actually still white) and the first ever clean white t-shirt I’ve ever seen on him (he can’t stay clean for the life of him, really). The combo looked particularly good on him…and then he spoke. Out comes this deep, husky, sexy voice and it was all I could do not to throw myself at him. Poor guy spent the next while trying to tell me about his horrible day and finally said “could you stop smiling at me like that!”. I just couldn’t get the shit-eating grin off my face. In the 9.5 years we’ve been together he’s never lost his voice and I was too distracted by how sexy he sounded to give him the sympathy he deserved.

Am I a bad wife? lol.

Of course my grin did fade a bit with the realization that he feels like ass…not so likely to be up for sexy time there.

this will make sense at the end

Warning: Not for the faint of heart…or stomach. Dark humour involved.

I’ve mentioned before that my second miscarriage was a very traumatic incident, but it took me a long time to realize that I never actually posted what happened. So I figure, in order to explain what is going on between Hubby and I, it would make more  sense if the story was filled in.

Like I’ve mentioned recently, Hubby is finally coming to grips with what his issues are, regarding TTC, and I’ve been realizing that things were worse than I had thought.

It comes down to this. Hubby is terrified that if I get pregnant again, I’ll die. Even with no hint of danger from the Dr’s, nothing rationally stating that there is any physical danger to me getting pregnant again…twice isn’t a pattern, second time being worse than the first doesn’t mean the third will trump the second…but try telling your heart to listen to your head, right?

When we found that I was miscarrying for the second time, we did what do, and asked my MIL to come stay with me. She flew out to stay for a week, but of course we had no clue when it was really going to happen. I honestly can’t remember how long she’d been here…a day…a few? But it started in the morning, shortly after Hubby went to work. Yes there is the cramping, the starting to bleed. I was ready to spend a very bad morning in the bathroom while mom took care of Monster and checked on me occasionally but gave me my privacy.

But the bleeding was more intense than it had been the first time. Ok, nothing ever goes the same twice. But then I bled through my pad, underwear and pants instantly. Irritating, right? (did I mention that I go into practical mode at times like this?). So I changed…and instantly bled through everything again. Ok, I just need to pass a clot and this will tone down. I didn’t want to ruin more clothes, so I sat in the shower. I look down to find the disturbing view wow, it’s just a-coming, it looks like I’m peeing! And below me on the shower floor is huge pools of my blood. Wow, it sure clots fast…it’s really bright. I’ve never been bothered by the sight of blood, not even my own.

Side note (I can’t handle phlegm though, mucus does awful things to my gag reflex). give me blood, guts, gaping wounds and ANYthing else from the body, but please give the outwardly phlegmy patients to someone else.

After passing a large clot, things slow down. I get dressed again. But moments later…Gush. Right through my third full set of bottoms. I was strangely calm this whole time. not really feeling anything emotionally, like it was someone else that I was helping through this. (although god knows we could never be this calm when someone around us is hurting but you guys know what I mean). So back in the shower I go. Any time now, there is no way that this can keep up. Hmm, I’m tired, I guess I didn’t get too much sleep…so much blood again. Nothing like sitting in a pool of your own blood…at least it happens to be my favorite color…it’s clotting so fast it looks like jelly pancakes

Lightbulb

I’ve lost more blood than a transfusion worth, this is getting bad, I’m starting to get loopy, I have to get to the hospital.

Well, in the three block drive to the hospital (mom drove of course) I went through another set of bottoms, and the towel I was sitting on. I walked up to triage, I’m not sure if she recognized me because it wasn’t my department but it’s a REALLY small hospital. She sent my straight to the bathroom to change and  a nurse came in a couple minutes later to walk me to a stretcher/ bed. And then it was all downhill.

I was still myself enough to be upset about the IV (ya, i knew I needed it but that damn needle issue I have doesn’t make my life here easy) but my nurse (I knew her but hadn’t worked with her…I don’t think she realized who I was) is an IV queen and managed a HUGE IV without me feeling too much. I could have kissed her. We weren’t even bothering with pads anymore, I was just on piles of soaker sheets being swapped out constantly. Dr Evil (never seen her before) showed up and DID SHE JUST STICK HER ENTIRE HAND UP THERE!!!!! FUCK!!!!! it was everything I could do not to scream in agony as she manually pushed clots out from inside and out. I’m not familiar with this technique and I’m pretty sure she should have offered me a few drinks first.

It was this point that I realize the entire emerg staff is flapping in panic, I kept waiting for my step-cousin to come in but turns out she thought I wouldn’t want her to come in under the circumstances (I would have though, just to have a comforting familiar face around). Hubby arrived finally and looked like death. Wow, I must look pretty bad. “I need to get up to the bathroom” “no, not a good idea” said another nurse. “it’s fine, Hubby will help me there” “Bedpan” “not a chance” “please” “I’ll be fine, stop worrying”. Well, it’s a well known fact that nurses are the worst patient (maybe Dr’s are worse, but..) and that we should be less stubborn with our fellow nurses when we are not at full mental function. I passed out the second I was up and Hubby barely had time to catch me. Fuzzy, whats going on, what a nice hug…oh, he’s not hugging me, he’s desperately trying to hold me to sitting in a chair…I guess even 100lbs of dead weight is pretty awkward.

I was lifted to bed, reprimanded for trying to do more than I should (aka anything more than staying conscious) and tilted head down in the bed. ya, it does feel like you’re going to slide off the head of the bed and that blood rush to the head was less than pleasant. but not much longer and I was being shoved into an ambulance to take me to the city for an emerg D&C and blood transfusion. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life as I was during that ride. It was like I was having an end of delivery style contraction for the entire 30 minute ride and I was strapped down and couldn’t even move. It never let up. Even when we arrived at the hospital that damn woman wouldn’t let me up. Apparently I was being forced to not push anymore clots out at this time. I had some serious hate of for the woman just doing her job (killer the messenger anyone?).

All in all, the OB Dr was in the middle of delivery and didn’t make it to see me in a timely enough fashion. Evil me was very glad the she took the amount of time she did because the bleeding had slowed to manageable enough by the time she got there that I was able to talk my way out of the D&C and the transfusion. Some of you may not see my logic for this, but my uterus is sacred to me and NO ONE is coming anywhere near it with anything that has a chance of causing infection or scaring, even if it is low. The transfusion was just an “if I don’t have to then why would I?” thing, like having surgery if you dont have to.

So Hubby saw me like this. He saw me grey as a corpse. He saw me in agonizing pain. He saw an entire emerg staff panick when trying to care for me. And he saw me still being stubborn as hell about wanting/ not wanting certain things. He saw me lose another child. And he saw me on what looked to him as me being on my deathbed.

Lets just say when I looked in the mirror later it scared even me (not an easy thing to do). You know those bug-eyed goldfish? you ever seen a grey one? how is it possible for someones eyes to puff out that much?

So I can understand why Hubby is so scared. But is he going to be able to get past that enough to ever try and having another child again?

I know he loves me. He wants to take care of me. He wasn’t to support me and give me everything I want. I know he’s going to be there for me through everything. Now it’s my turn to be there for him and show him I’m not going anywhere. And I hope that the time comes that he realizes that the rewards of more children are worth the risks. Then we’ll be able to move foreward.

Besides, worse comes to worst, I’m too stubborn to die.

A different kind of progress

Well, it’s official. Hubby and I are no longer TTC. I can only hope that it’s not forever. I’m pretty sure that eventually we will try again, but I know that if we do and we loose again, there will be no options of ever trying again. Who knows, maybe he’d sneak out and get snipped while I wasn’t looking, just to be sure.

As has been painfully obvious to anyone in the know about our situation (aka you guys) Hubby has not been dealing with the issues at hand and was in some serious denial. He was so sure he’d dealt with the miscarriages and moved on but all he had done was to push them back and ignore them. What was the result? My own husband wouldn’t come near me with a ten foot pole, I became traumatized that he didn’t want me (way to kill any womans last ounce of self esteem), and our relationship has suffer right up to but not yet crossing irreparable damage.

I’ve tried talking to Hubby about these issues continuously, but in such a fashion that he was able to not admit to himself that the issues were anything other than in my head. I was depressed, he didn’t want to push me too much, so simply said that when I was ready to talk, he’d like me to see someone. One of those someones being his mother (actually that one turned into “If you dont call mom by the end of the week, I will and then you’ll have to talk to her”). She has suffered from severe depression and Hubby wanted me to have someone that could REALLY understand. But still, he was so sure that it was just a “me” issue and not an “us” issue.

So mom came out last week. I hadn’t talked to her yet because she’d been on holidays, and when she’d been here a couple days we had our chat. Well. No big shock that Hubby was pissed at the results because when she talked to him afterwards, he was still in denial. He didn’t talk to me for the next day, but surprisingly after about 24hrs, he pulled me aside to talk (aka rip a strip off me) and…he was forced to admit a lot of things…after the first half of the conversation chalked full of denial.

So the jist…

He wants more children, but is more afraid of me loosing another, and loosing me mostly, to follow through. My last miscarriage was so horrible physically (I’ll leave that for another post), that he’s afraid the next one will kill me (logic is not playing a role here, they don’t just get increasingly more severe each time they happen). So he’s set himself to me being selfish to risk my health/ life for a new child when he and Monster are here depending on me. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he didn’t want to TTC and was afraid that I would leave him if he refused. He finally admitted that sex and miscarriage were so linked in his mind that he couldn’t separate them enough to be with me, and that was where I made him realize that he didn’t deal with all this shit and he REALLY needs to see someone about it.

I’m going back on birth control as soon as The Red Lady comes, we’re going together to go see a counsellor from the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic as soon as she gets back to me, and he admits that he needs to be a bigger part of my and Monster’s lives (we have more of a roommate style relationship and that REALLY needs to change). Plus…he’s going to move me back into the city as soon as we can manage so I’m closer to my support network and have more resources available for me and Monster (since Hubby is gone so often with work).

Things are far from perfect here, but I’ve got some hope again that things can work out.

A reminder

I find it really annoying that half of these videos have to be redirected to youtube.

I couldn’t help but laugh to myself last night.

All day Hubby was trying to be super nice in a very “just in the background” kind of way and I was just trying not to sulk around the house too much. I read Will Wheaton’s “Dancing Barefoot” as a pleasant distraction and then when that was done (it’s not long at all) I moved on to Dan Well’s “I’m not a serial killer” which, as it turns out, is a much better distraction from life at the moment because even though (I’m not far in here yet) it’s written in the perspective of a sociopathic teen obsessed with serial killers and working in a morgue, it has no romance or romantic related relationship going on. I LOVED my Sookie Stackhouse books,  but I think reading about some girl being pursued but many different characters (all super sexy too) was bringing my lack of sex life to an annoying front. So now, it’s just dead bodies, no sex.

But I got sidetracked.

I moved on to some Dragon Age last night for variety and Hubby came in at about 10 and asked all polite like if I’d come to bed until he could fall asleep. So I dutifully crawled into bed and snuggled Hubby and talked about his work. And It was nice to have that little time there. To get to snuggle into my Hubby and remember that as awful as I’ve been feeling, things just don’t seems as bad when I can curl up in his arms. Of course that doesn’t make everything better, but those reminders sure help.

And 10 minutes later he rolled over and said “ok, I think I can go to sleep now, thanks”. So I laughed to myself at my dismissal and went back to my computer game. Shouldn’t it have been me asking for snuggles and him pausing the computer game for his duties of husbandly affection?

And then I hurt his feelings

I hate talking when I dont know what to say. My poor hubby was trying to figure out what was wrong with me yesterday and once he figured out that the “I’m just not feeling good” was not refering to physically (his natural assumption since he was aware that I’d only slept 1.5 hrs and since he’s fighting a cold) he assumed I was mad at him. I didn’t know how to explain to him that I was mad at HIM, but that I’m sad and I have a lot of generalized anger just floating around in there and that I’m angry and upset about sex and continuously asking for something I don’t even want as a means to try and get what we do want and all the getting shut down. I know it didn’t come out all smooth and I was having trouble talking because I was crying. I’m pretty sure I only succeeded in hurting his feelings and he thinks I’m being unfair to him. Of course there is nothing fair about this to either of us. And now I feel guilty for hurting his feelings among everything else.

But one of my friends called today, I haven’t spoken to him in months. We were inseparable in grade 12, we went to grad together (even though he hooked up with someone else by the end of the evening), he joined me in Oz and SE Asia for a few months and he’s always been that crazy male friend that can translate what I’m saying into english and who can make me feel better just by being there. And he called just to say he missed me and he wants me to get a sitter for an evening just so we can go out and have some QT. He’s like a brother to me, makes me happy, makes me laugh, has no issues with telling me if I’m getting too chubby (it happens at rare times) and accepts me no matter what and loves even my bad side. The kind of guy you wish you had a sister to marry him to so that you’d have a claim on him forever because he’d officially be family. So hopefully I’ll be able to get together with him this weekend or shortly after. I could sure use it.

I’ve come to a conclusion that I can’t say I favor, but I’m shocked that the obviousness of the possibility hadn’t struck me yet.

I don’t think I’m sick at all.

I don’t think I’ve been fighting anything for the last month that had left me nearly bed ridden, with no appetite, and struggling to care about everything/ anything around me.

And yet I’m sure that if I had looked at myself objectively I’d have noticed, just like I’m sure that many of you have likely noticed. I think I’m depressed, and not in the “oh, that’s ass, but I’ll feel better tomorrow” kind of way. I’ve always been a positive person and I think any chipper that has been coming out of me at times is mearly formed from habit. I haven’t felt happy in a long time (other than my odd rubber room style excitedness for a few days last month). I really have nothing to complain about logically, but logic isn’t living here right now. Without distraction I swing from gut stabbing sad to numb and a lot of anger thrown in for variety. Who me? angry? What a shock, no one noticed.

But I’ve realized that I seem to be hating life in a pretty hard way lately. I want another child so badly and the loss of my 2nd and 3rd are still so strong. The idea of not giving my son a sibling is killing me since I think that growing up and only child is horrible and has some very negative consequences and I want to prevent that any way possible, plus I know that my family isn’t complete as it is. So I keep trying to get pregnant. And that in itself seems to be bringing me lower every day.

I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to ask my husband to have sex with me all the time. I make it look like I want to have sex to try and make my husband feel like a man, and I want to want to have sex. I wish I enjoyed sex, but the only thing I get out of it is the comfort of physical proximity to my husband, someone actually touching me other than my son. I’ve always been a very physically affectionate person and I feel starved for physical comfort nowadays. I don’t have my friends around to snuggle up to, hold my hands, hug me (and I’m known to being almost overwhelming in the amount of hugs I like), kiss my cheeks. And my husband and I are not very physical anymore. He doesn’t snuggle me, he gives me a little kiss when he comes home or leaves, or if I ask him for one while he’s at the computer. He doesn’t hug me anymore unless I ask him for one.

I’m almost willing to completely give up on the idea of having another child simply because I’m so tired of begging him to sleep with me and being turned down. Every time I’m leading up to ovulation he’s not feeling well and I hate saying “I’m going to ovulate soon” and that’s a really last-ditch effort if I do…and I always end up having to say it. And still often nothing happens.

I know my husband loves me, but I couldn’t tell you if he was in love with me, I just don’t know that. I know he likes me as a person, he obviously thinks I’m a good person and a good mother. But I don’t interest him. And sadly I’m pretty sure that it’s not only mentally (we’ve never had anything in common and I’m not exactly in league with the intelligent conversationalist of the world. I’m a simple girl with simple wants and that’s how I’ve always been. I don’t see it a negative thing for me) but also physically. I know he used to love having sex with me. There was a time when that was the case. But every time I have to essentially beg for sex that I don’t want to have because the last thing I feel is wanted, it just makes me more and more bitter. I’ve had the discussion with him about it, and he tried to put in more effort for a short time, but now we’re back to nothing.

I can’t sleep because I can’t relax. I finally realized that. I retreat further and further into my books in desperate need of distraction from my thoughts that are an unclear mess of anger and tears. Last night I managed 1.5 hrs in which I woke up 3 times. During this afternoon I brought my son to be with me and just held on to him while he slept. I dozed in and out of sleep for 2 hours and then my son left and there was just this cold empty spot where he’d been. It’s seemed like such a bad, cheesy picture of how I felt. Cold and empty. And it’s everything in my power right now to care enough to keep things from being really crappy for Monster just because of how I’m feeling, and I realized I’m not doing a great job of it.

I feel like trying to have a child has killed the parts of me that I liked.

Fantasize

I was introduced to this indirectly by Marie and I’m loving these songs.

CD 11

My goldfish memory is starting to take effect already. I adjust very quickly to any change, simply because I very shortly feel that things have never been any different. So now that I’ve had my hubby back for almost 24 hours, it just feels like normal again, like he was never gone. I admit that I was a smothering shadow to him yesterday, but today I have to remind myself that he’s being all sucky (to Monster) because he’s been gone so long. I have to remind myself not to get irritated that he’s putting on movies and giving him treats, and when I remember why it makes complete sense to me. He may have to go back to work on thursday, but at least he hasn’t heard anything about out of town jobs yet, so that’s nice.

Last night we fantasized about selling our house, downsizing, moving closer to the city, Hubby quitting his job to get a 9-5 and me going back to work part-time so that we could make ends meet and still have a normal life. We honestly have no social life anymore. Hubby always works, and I’m always at home with Monster. We don’t have the extra cash to take holidays or even just have social days going out and doing stuff, so our life has been a stretch just to make ends meet and it’s worn us out. Maybe in the next year we’ll be able to fulfill this fantasy and that would be pretty wonderful. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have Hubby with me at our family gatherings, to be able to make plans with friends together because we’d know when his time off would be, to raise our kid(s) as a joint effort, to not have people joke about how I’ve just made up having a husband. He’s not a figment of my imagination, but it sure feels like it some times.

Also, I got some lovely chocolate in the mail today from my choco-buddy Elphaba! Thanks, I’m looking forward to this dark chili chocolate especially. I’ve never even heard of it.

Over the moon

CD 10

I’m so far over the moon right now. Hubby called last night to say that he’d be coming back home today!!!! I haven’t seen him in three weeks…and you all know how lonely 😉 I’ve been for him, so I really couldn’t have any better of  a treat today. I’d actually planned and had a sitter for tonight so I could go and smash some walls down with one of my buddies, but this will be FAR more therapeutic. Not that I’m cancelling the wall smashing, just putting it off…maybe thursday? Depends on what Hubby’s schedule is like and if they are going to be sending him elsewhere again.

So I got up, vacuumed, swept, showered, shaved the beast that I had become in the three weeks he’s been gone, washed my hair, and put a roast in the crock pot. I came out all smooth and smelling like an orange (I’m a citrus girl) and I’ll be doing my hair before he gets home and getting my make-up all pretty. YAY! Lol, It’s like dating again when  he’s been gone so long, I’m having to restrain myself on the phone from squealing in his ear about my excitement.

Nice visit, he’ll have some time with the Monster, nice dinner, put  Monster to bed then… 😉 . Just in time for appropriately timed TTC too!

I’m so pumped I’d do a strip tease for him if I had any coordination.

Jiggly skeletons

CD 3? it’s only day three right?

So I officially screwed my 2011 challenge for writing every day by not doing so yesterday…oh well. My bed was just far more appealing than the computer.

I got a call from my Hubby this morning saying “Happy valentine’s day” and I had to admit to him that I’d had no clue. “Is it really?”. But he knows I’m not great with that stuff. So that makes it…9 years now since we got together. And I got to crawl back into bed and snuggle my big giant duck that he gave me when he first flew me out for our first date and a week with him (he lived a couple provinces away at the time we started dating). He really regrets that duck, let me tell you. I have slept with that duck (the size of a pillow) every night since I got it other that when we lived in china (where I found an even bigger replica of it a week after getting there) and he has plotted its death many times. There have been skeems to rid our bed of the duck, I have found him in a few hiding spots (but usually just launched across the room), and threats of destuffing. Of course every night, there’s Mr. Duck (aka, Howard) snuggled in propping my hip.

So, I’m feeling a little better today but I thought I was going to keel over just from walking to the basement and back up. Then my parents came and took me and Monster to the farmer’s (aka McDonald’s) as a treat for the imp that’s been playing sick nurse for the half dead mama. It was AWEFUL! Not the food, we always know that fast food is fast food, but the people. It was so crowded and I just wedged myself in a corner and tried not to cry (mostly successfully). Stick me in a little box or a closet and day, but keep the crowds to yourself. Normally I can deal with this and keep my issue to myself, but I didn’t have the strength today and my mom kept looking at me like a caged animal she was trying to pacify…and I guess I kinda was. But I got a chocolate milkshake that I didn’t know I wanted untill it was there and I even managed to drink most of it.

I must look worse that I thought seeing as my most looked like she was about to cry when she saw me (not to mention the attempt to pack me up and take me home with her). I keep thinking of those Halloween skeletons that jiggle when you walk by since I’ve got a good case of the shakes. It took me a while to figure out the problem was me. I feel like my body is humming, which is pretty funny untill I’m trying to sleep. The night before last I was up all night (literally) and I thought the motion was my bed jiggling from the captain insaino wind outside, but then the next morning when the wind was gone and my bed was still shaking I realized it was me. I felt surprisingly awake for having not slept yet and I managed a 45 minute nap in the afternoon before the damn phone rang (forgot to unplug) and then I couldn’t get back down. I almost did today too. Monster was being Grampaed and Mummy was getting me some groceries and I nodded off for maybe 10 minutes and then, you guessed it, that damn phone.

Would it be frowned upon to take my phones and smash them into itty-bitty-bits? or just inconvenient due to having to go out and buy more?

But I am getting better, even if it is REALLLYY sloooooowwwwly. I’ve never been one to bounce back fast and I’m aware of it so it doesn’t bother me. I managed about 6 or 7 hrs of sleep last night which was amazing and I’ve eaten a little. So I think I’m on the mend. yay.

But I’ve finished my true blood book series now and I’ve got that whole “somethings missing” feeling I always get at the end of a series. I hate that.