This may sound weird, I don’t really care. But I really miss breastfeeding.

This morning, sitting in my MOPS session (on teaching kids to deal with loss/ grief), listening to the video and knowing that I still haven’t really dealt properly with my own greif…across the table from me one of the other mothers is breastfeeding. Now, I’m a real advocate for breastfeeding, and I don’t feel that women should run off and hide in a dark closet to do so. When I was nursing my son, I’d nurse him anywhere and everywhere. I was courteous enough to put a blanket over if I was in public or around people that were less comfortable, but I wasn’t about to get up and leave when I had to nurse. So, when I saw this girl nursing her son today, during a session that  was bringing up all the loss of my babies (not to mention the others I’ve lost in my life) I was double choked with emotion.

I loved breastfeeding. I could spend my life as a wet-nurse. I nursed my son for 2 years (letting him self wean) and I thought I’d have a short break before having another child right back there. The closeness and bonding of breastfeeding was a very big deal to me, not to mention that my milk was like liquid butter and would instantly fatten up the scrawniest child. I’d finally found something my body was good at and  I could have fed an army with what came out of me.

And it’s just one more way that it feels the world is rubbing in my face that I’ve lost my babies.

This probably made no sense outside my head. But I had to get it off my chest (no pun intended).