Category: about me


D20 travel

Sorry, didn’t realize I hit “publish” earlier when I was going for “save draft”.

So here is what this is about. After high school, having never seen an ocean and being dissatisfied with my general state, I decided to go to Australia. I booked myself a flight, planned to be gone 7-8 months, got my work visa, passport, saved up as much as I could working 7 days a week on three jobs for ~6 months and then I was off. I don’t think my mom believed that I was actually going untill I had her take me to the airport at 5am. In the end (of the planning part) I was going to find me a place in Oz and have a great time and in 4 months a buddy was going to join me, we’d go see his family in Adelaide and then off to SE Asia.  Well I didn’t really travel in Oz at all. When I was in Sydney for about a week, I met some nice mormon boys from Utah and they invited me to make the way north with them. We made it to our first destination where we were going to tent it on the beach but the weather made an awful turn and we ended up beaching it on the tent. We were all soaked head to toe and decided to take the first bus out the next morning. Turns out that ones of these guys was completely crazy and rude, so when we got to Surfers Paradise and got a room at a hostel, we really didn’t talk after that. I ended up befriending the bar tender there and got a staff position, and after a few weeks I rented an apartment with some of the other girls that had been working at the hostel too. So travel didn’t end up happening there, but I really loved my time in Oz.

When my buddy joined me and we took off to Malaysia, the only plan we had was to go see my friend that lived with his wife in Singapore at some point. When we woke up the first morning and left the guest house we were greeted with the smell of urine, feces, rotting meat, and a fish market. There was a man in a diaper with no eyes wandering in front of the door and not a single working pay phone. That was my first culture shock. We figured that it would be best to just go and see my buddy in Singapore right away and then we could adjust from there with some assistance. To be honest, it was a very quick adjustment, and we loved out time in each country that we visited.

As far as the “where to go” of our trip, we planned nothing. If we met people who were talking about an amazing place to go, or that they just were, we’d go. At one point I went into another country to see if my people hunting skills were any good (by the way I rock at tracking people down) and  manoeuvred surprising a friend by showing up at her guest house (yes this could be considered creepy if it’s not your friend). I didn’t look up “places to see” where we went and I went to many places I’d never heard of. It was a great way to travel. But I’d met someone with a better way.

They travelled by dice. They would make a list of places, number them, and then roll the dice. I’ve always wanted to do this, but I never had the opportunity. When I was reading this post this morning, I was reminded of my desire to do this. I don’t have to do it internationally, I can do it right in Canada, or Alberta for that matter. So I think that this summer I want to pack up my Monster and maybe my friend D (hubby would hate this trip) and just drive in a random direction, picking our destinations by a d20 (20 sided dice for the non-geeky). I think Monster will be old enough to handle at this point and I can show him the worlds largest ball of yarn or a museum of worn out shoes or just whatever random strange things that each little town in proud of. This may sound lame to many of you, but I think that this sounds like a fabulous vacation.

To many of you out there this reference will mean nothing. If you are a Firefly fan then you will understand, and if you are Joss Whedon (buffy, angel, dollhouse) fan but don’t get it then you need to hop on the firefly wagon.

I was reading  This post last night that really hit home. She put down how so many of us feel, wrote word for word what we’ve been thinking but haven’t been able to put quite so well. In part of this blog she talks about the relationship between her and her husband and how he was there for her and their relationship was made stronger  instead of being broken.

This made me think of my hubby. We have gone through some awful things (not just fertility related) that would have broken almost anyone I know and it made us realize how much we need each other and can’t live without one another. Through everything we’ve been brought closer and taken care of each other, but through the miscarriages he’s been the one carrying me. The only things that kept me from going over the edge were my husband and knowing that my son needed me. My husband held me while I bawled endlessly in his arms never once trying to tell me that “it will be ok” because he knew it wasn’t. He’d take care of Monster when I was too wrecked to get out of bed and he’d  let me talk on and on about what I was thinking. Never complaining about my sleepless nights and my desperate attempts to find something to distract myself or when I’d just sit numbly and listen to the most depressing music and then cry again.

The quote I’m referring to is “If you can’t run, you crawl. And if you can’t crawl, if you can’t do that…you find someone to carry you”.  This is what I think of when I look back at that time. When things are good we’re running. When things are bad we crawl. But when I was so wrecked that I couldn’t crawl, my husband carried me, and he kept carrying me through all the relapses of wretchedness. I love him so much and I would never have made it through this without him.

Giant splatter

CD12

I made it back for an acupuncture appointment today. It’s been three weeks since my last one and I was supposed to be in last monday but stupidly forgot about my appointment until after I had left town for the day. Luckily my lady was nice enough not to charge me the missed appointment fee for calling in only 3 hrs in advance (I doubt I’d get that if it happened again). This last week I’ve been sleeping awful (my herbs ran out about 1.5 weeks ago) and I’ve been getting some mild head aches so I was really happy to get back in. My hubby had gone in to see her this morning (for his 3 yr old mono) and she’s putting us both on herbs now to get us feeling fine and hopefully soon that libido might kick in there. Wouldn’t it be loverly?

So once I put Monster to bed I’ll be treating myself to some laughter therapy (hopefully) and watching some B quality comedy movies. Any of you watched “The expendables” yet? not supposed to be a comedy of course, but it gave me a good laugh. I can’t believe how old Stallone and Schwarzenegger look now. And that shot gun that blows people up in one shot with a giant splatter? man I could have fun with that on a bad day (or a good one for that matter). I wonder if there are any pumpkins left lying around…they’d make a great splat, hey?

Any recommendations for a good funny movie? obviously my standards are not too high here, I’m a big fan of Zombieland, Monty Python, Buffy, anything with sarcastic humour. Turns out I’ll really watch anything, so I discovered when my hubby sat me down to the trailer park boys (yes, it’s awful and yes, I laughed my ass off)

watching Mrs Miracle today and one of my cousins that I haven’t seen in …I don’t know how many years now has a small (really small) part in it. When the part comes one I turn to my son and just start bawling trying to say “look, it’s mummy cousin, that’s my cousin!” and then for some reason I just kept on bawling. WFT!? why am I crying? I like seeing my cousin in stuff, but it’s not an emotional thing, we’re not close or anything, I’m just proud of her is all. but then the crying doesn’t stop! and I’ve just spent the last 45 minutes crying. And I’m still doing it! I have NOTHING  to cry about right now. I’m having a fine day, chilling out, going to appointments, seeing my favorite dr, on my way to get stabbed a bit at acupuncture…nothing bad here. so what the f*#K! lol. I’m ridiculous.

Last month when my mom’s siblings all came down for my stepbrother’s wedding, my uncle and aunt sat me down and asked if there was something I had to tell. “….no?”, “Oh, ok then, just checking.” I never for one second took this as an insult seeing as they had gone through 8 losses and I knew they were just keeping tabs with how I’m doing and the efforts we’re going through. It was nice to know that someone in the family was truly comfortable enough to talk about everything openly with us/ me.

Yesterday we had my Grampa’s 80 th birthday party and all their children and families got together to celebrate. I’m thinking “this is a rare occasion for me. I wont be ovulating for another ~4-5 days and here is some wine!” I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m allergic to alcohol so my family is used to me having a shot glass of whatever (the max I can tolerate but I like the taste) to sip through dinner. It’s been so long since we’ve gotten together for drinks in that “I can have some” period and when my step-dad was pouring the wine last night he didn’t even ask me. Just walked on by. “can I have a little too?” “you can have the non” “I can have the regular”, big pause “ok”. so he gives me my standard shot glass worth and moves on. Did he think I was pregnant and just hadn’t said anything? Does my whole family think I’m pregnant?

To top this off, this night before, I tried on my dress for the party. I just got this dress a few months ago and  last time I tried it on it was great. but THIS time…it was tight…very tight. I got it on and done up, don’t get me wrong, but if I had anything else that would have matched the party theme I’d have jumped on it.  So is this whats going on? I’m gaining weight and everyone just assumes I’m pregnant? Why the Hell am I gaining weight?! I’ll tell you why. It’s my mother-in-law’s fault! of course not really but she’s the most recent person to bring a bunch of cookies around so it’s her fault and I told her so…Whilst stuffing a cookie in my mouth.  So I’m 28 and my metabolism has shot out on me and since the summer I have noticed more fluctuation in my weight and now people are giving me cookies. These damn cookie are my weakness, everyone has one, and these are mine. and you’re not allowed to blow me off here. I may be very small to start but even 5 pounds (the least I fluctuate) on a girl of 4’10” is very noticeable.

Me: hunny, have a gained weight?

Hubby: Yep.

Me: do I fluctuate a lot?

Hubby: Yep.

Me: Is it very noticeable?

Hubby: Yep.

Me: You ever think of pointing it out?

Hubby: you think you’re the only one putting on weight?

So today I’m hunting on kijiji for an elliptical or stationary bike.

The big Three

Today is Monster’s third birthday. How can one day bring so many mixed feeling? I am so excited that he’s becoming such a big (well he’s always been pretty big..stalky, not so tall), sweet, well-mannered and affectionate  monster. But on the other hand its freaking me out that I’m loosing time with my baby and it’s all going by to fast. I can’t help but be reminded that I may never have this chance again. I thought by now we’d be on our way to (or having) our third child but life had something else in store for us. So I’m excited, anxious and freaked out all because of one day. Every time I look at him I want to cry because it’s going too fast and (like I said) I may never get to have another chance to appreciate these little stages.

Of course that is giving me a bit of guilt because I know he can tell when I’m off so what do I do? I try to make it the funnest day ever.

I (and the hubby because he happened to be off work) woke him up with chocolate cake and candles singing happy birthday. Opened presents. Played pirates. Got dressed and went out to see Santa and Mrs. Claus (they actually live in our town most of the year but their sleigh is reserved for christmas eve/ day so they use and van with reindeer on top) where he gave Santa a hug and asked for 1 chocolate (greedy kid). Then off to “the farmer’s” aka McDonalds for lunch and back home for a sleigh ride, games and story time. Now he’s down for a nap and after comes more playing, stories, the arrival of my in-laws (whom I love waaaay too much so I’m more excited than anyone about), and then the decorating of Gingerbread Pirates! I made them with swords, hats and peg legs. Sound like a great day for a 3rd birthday? I hope so, and he’s having a great time.

But then why can’t I just enjoy it and stop thinking about what is missing? I keep feeling like he’s missing out on so much because I haven’t been able to give him sibling and it’s usually just me and him. And kids need other kids around.

I am so grateful to have my son and this is nothing compared to  how painful it would be if I didn’t have him but all of us that have suffered miscarriages know that one child can’t replace the others no matther how much we love the one we have.

the power of venting prayer

Is venting like praying?

Have you ever noticed that when something has gone really wrong or is consuming all your attention with stress and upset that when you talk about it, just let it all out, it either doesn’t seem to bother you nearly as much or just kinda fixes itself? Seriously. This has happened to me so many times in my adult life that this of all thing has me questioning the power of letting it out, or prayer, in a sense. I’m not a christian, but I’m the strangest you will find in the secular community.

I was raised in a Lutheran home with the idea (not sure where the communication erred) that God was just a nice story we tell ourselves to make us feel better. Kind of like Santa and Peter Pan. I specifically remember as a small child at church thinking “Do the actually believe this?”. What little kid doesn’t believe what they have been told by their family? But I never did. As an adult, I’ve attended some churches sporadically and taken religious studies in college (I have still always had an interest in religion) but when I moved a little over 2 years ago to my little town and checked out the local alliance church I decided to start attending their weekly womans bible study. Part of this was to meet people and have something to do, but I also really enjoy the educational aspect of it. The all know about me, and not a single one has ever made me feel unwelcome. Just the opposite. I’ve more or less challenged them to convert me (I honestly wish they could) and these super nice women are giving it a go. Actually, everything I do in this town is pretty much through that church. My bible study, my book club (we don’t specifically read christian books), and my MOPS group. Not to mention that the lovely girl I spend most of my social time with in town was  introduced to me at a women’s ministry night and she’s pretty much turned into my security blanky. Charity is a great friend.

I have prayed many times for a secular person. Most of the time it’s out of desperation in a bad situation, but not always. I pray for faith. I’ve been doing this directly for 2 years now and indirectly for my whole life. I want to believe that there is a God that I can rely on to take the burden off myself. I want to be able to just say I believe and go from there, but if I do that I’d just be lying and trying to fool myself. You ever wonder about the “if you say something enough times you will eventually start to believe it” thing. I’ve thought about just taking the time and trying to persuade myself that I believe, but it would be a lie. I want the faith, but not pretend faith.

So back to my original question then, is venting like praying? I’ve always been told that God knows our heart, what we want, and our thoughts, but that when you pray it should be out loud. Like in one of the Narnia books (the magician and his nephew) Aslan sends the kids off to fetch the golden apple and the boy later realizes he has no food with him. He wonders why Aslan didn’t offer some to take with on his journey and the horse tells him I’m sure he knew,”but I think he likes to be asked”. So like praying, it’s best to ask outright and out loud, not just thinking about it. And venting is out loud even though I haven’t attached the “father God” formalities to it.

Yesterday I was a wreck (anyone reading my last post knows that) and when I attended my bible study I spent more time trying not to cry than paying attention and one of the women there, she’s got some sort of hawk eye for me when things are crappy and she (more or less cornered me, lol) asked if I was ok and what could she do to help. If I believed in God, I’d have to say he’s chatting with her about me because she even called me right after my last miscarriage to check in (she had never called me before and I didn’t even know she had my number). I think her mission before she moves away is for me to know God loves me, can’t help but love her for it. I didn’t tell her what my problem was, just that it was baby issues (or lack there of…these ladies are generally familiar with my problems here). Now apparently she’s a hard prayer. Praying hard and praying often. And she’s been praying for me for a long time (and I have a feeling has just kicked it up a notch).

When my hubby came home last night he sat me down and said he’d been doing a lot of thinking. He was still scared of getting pregnant again and what it would do to me if we lost another child (possible physical complication in addition to the mental). It doesn’t help that last time I was rushed by ambulance into the city when I stumbled into my local emerg hemorrhaging like it was going out of business.  So he’s scared for me, but he said he realized that if he’s so scared for me, he should be more afraid of what I am afraid of, and that is of not having more / not trying again. so he said ok. So TTC is back on! I love my hubby so much for how he feels about me, and especially for putting it aside to give us another chance.

So maybe someone is hearing my “prayers”

Wish I were pregnant cravings

Everyone expects cravings out of a pregnant woman. Of course when I am pregnant, I didn’t seem to have this issue, my eating habits never change. But do you think that when you want to be pregnant so bad that your body will start pulling out the check list and marking off things that aren’t there? The this may happen when your pregnant list?

So I’ve been having some crazy cravings lately. Not crazy strange, but crazy all day, every day same thing. I want me a ROASTED CHICKEN DINNER! seriously. This is all I want to eat for the last couple weeks. Roasted chicken with nice dark golden crispy skin, so juicy, with mashed potatoes (garlic or dill…always cream cheese in the potatoes), yorkshire pudding (they really go with everything), stuffing, and whatever veggie I have lying around. I’ve even been thinking of throwing some cranberry sauce in there like it’s a turkey. And butter buns. Soft white fluffy butter buns (because there are never any yorkshire puddings around for the leftovers. SO good. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I’m trying to hold off though. My Hubby can only take so much chicken (even though I make the leftovers into curry and quesadilla and other things for him. chicken is still chicken, and he likes BEEF! lol. Yes, traditional man, steak and beer. He nicely asked if I could keep in to an every second week thing. I’m seriously thinking about making two meals.

I’m surrounded

I couldn’t help but laugh, in the “are you fricken kidding me?” kinda style last night. I went to my stepbrother’s wedding (and a pretty nice wedding it was) and as soon as the ceremony ended and everyone got up, it seemed the entire guest list was pregnant or with babies. Everywhere I turned I was bumping into bellies. Two in the wedding party, although one was just little but you could tell by the way she held her stomach it wasn’t the “left overs” from baby bump but a proud protrusion. I swear that I’d seen many of these women at the bridal shower and yet somehow didn’t notice (how do you not notice?). Or maybe everyone is just starting to look familiar to me in the “hello my fellow human” sense. I dunno. I thought I was just being overly conscious of it, but my little brother’s wife was feeling the weight of the bellies too. You’d think we’d gone to the wrong place and were at The Baby Show at the Roundup center or something.

But the food, I must mention the food. When you choose your chicken or beef, you think it’s pretty generic. But here comes in AAA Alberta steak with a perfect peppercorn sauce and Chicken with some creamy white wine sauce with chubby shrimp. Originally, this would have been an issue (they really should have announced the shrimp fact for the shellfish people) with my husband being one of several guests allergic to shrimp, but my date ended up being my almost 3-year-old son so I was left with the option of both our meals. I had started out with the intention of eating both (my belt was borrowed from my sister and was a touch too loose) but by the time I’d gotten half way through the steak it was too good to switch over and I was only able to manage the shrimp from the other plate. Really, it’s was impressive that I managed the whole steak down (I’m a 4’10”, 100 lb girl…not usually room for as much as I was given). And to top it off, the smoothest cheese cake I’ve ever tasted in my life. There were a lot of other sides/ the fancy salad, sticks of chocolate for edible garnish, but I’m not  so good a the proper descriptions. My mouth is still watering for that steak. So tender. Lets just say that my belt fit pretty snug after that.

In the end, it was the many kids that over-through the dance floor for the evening. It was hard but sweet seeing all these happy toddlers and barely able to walk kids flapping about with mothers holding babies on the outskirts, it made me realize “when was the last time I just let loose and had a great time like that?” But I can’t think of when. Kinda depressing. Need to work on that.

At least I have you Steak

Oblivious from stress

I remember thinking to myself last night “November is a crappy month for me” but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember why. You get that nagging, “I’m missing something here”. And this is going to make me sounds awful. I’ve just missed two  days that I was dredding to acknowledge.

I’ve had this problem since I was a kid (although I didn’t know untill it was so blatantly and slightly traumatizingly, pointed out to me when I was in my mid teens). I repress things. Just full on gone sometimes, other times, only for a while. And when you make this realization for the first time, it’s pretty horrifying. “what else have I forgotten?”. So only from reading  another blog tonight, do I realize that I’ve missed my due date. I’d been freaking out leading up, trying to book that day so full that I’d have no time to think, and then it comes along. Most of my plans ended up being cancelled, I had little to do but sit on my rear all day and sign my son up for preschool. And I completely forgot. Didn’t even cross my mind once. How? Then I remembered that the exact same thing happened last time. The only difference is that last time my mother-in-law was around to witness and let me in on what I was missing. I’ve been so stressed and emotional (more than I should for whats currently going on in my life) and I didn’t even make the connection. How can I be so oblivious at times?

Then to top it off, I missed the anniversary of my dad passing. But this, sadly, happens every year. I write on the calendar “call gramma” and then somehow I never manage to look at that little date square leading up to the actual day.  I feel horrible. Not only does the realization return that my dads gone, not just away like I was always used to it, but also knowing that my gramma is sitting there that day, missing her son that never should have passed before her, and I’m of no comfort. My gramma likes to tease that I’m a bad granddaughter because I don’t call enough, but wow, I’m sure earning my title here.

So now I’m reminded why I was dreading November to start, and ashamed that I missed it. Will I ever get my head on straight?