I have to remember reality. I have to be strong and pay attention. I have to consider reasons behind actions and not just take things at face value like I have a tendency to do. This is what will help me. This is how I will get though all of this shit and not let it destroy me.

My regular readers know what happened between me and Hubby when we were last trying to conceive. For anyone else, the short version is…he said he was ready to try again, all started ok but quickly he avoided me like the plague. He wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole and was always ‘sick’ if there was any chance of me being near a fertile portion of my cycle. He kept insisting that we were trying but all it was was denial on his part. He wasn’t ready, he looked at me and all he could see was the babies we lost, him almost losing me, and my insistence on doing something that would eventually kill me and leave him and Monster alone. But I saw my husband refusing to touch me, not talking to me and I thought I’d lost him. I sunk really low, lost a ton of weight (that I couldn’t afford to lose) and withdrew from everything around me.

So that’s a big contributor as to why I didn’t want to admit that we were TTC again. To myself and to others. Why I refused to dive back in head first. I’m scared that it will happen again and I’m pretty sure that we…or I…wont be able to survive it. There are a lot of things I can take, but that just ain’t one of them. He’s sworn up and down that he’s ready now, that he’ll tell me if he starts heading back into that place again, and I know what to look for (the distinct lack of a sex life being a giant clue, hey?). But I’m still scared of it.

That’s the main reason I’m doing everything I can to act like we’re not trying, while the fertility gods in the back of my head, strutting in all their phallic glory, are yelling at me about missing what could be my only chances by not paying closer attention. How many years of bad luck do you get for telling them to shove it?

I feel like if I give this my all again, I’ll just be setting myself up for another crash, and if I don’t give it my all…I’ll just end up getting nothing out of it.

Then my grade A quality stubborn side kicks right in. I ain’t givin’ up quite yet, I’ve got too much to lose. Nothing worth having is easy. Right ladies (and gent)?

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