Well, it’s official. Hubby and I are no longer TTC. I can only hope that it’s not forever. I’m pretty sure that eventually we will try again, but I know that if we do and we loose again, there will be no options of ever trying again. Who knows, maybe he’d sneak out and get snipped while I wasn’t looking, just to be sure.

As has been painfully obvious to anyone in the know about our situation (aka you guys) Hubby has not been dealing with the issues at hand and was in some serious denial. He was so sure he’d dealt with the miscarriages and moved on but all he had done was to push them back and ignore them. What was the result? My own husband wouldn’t come near me with a ten foot pole, I became traumatized that he didn’t want me (way to kill any womans last ounce of self esteem), and our relationship has suffer right up to but not yet crossing irreparable damage.

I’ve tried talking to Hubby about these issues continuously, but in such a fashion that he was able to not admit to himself that the issues were anything other than in my head. I was depressed, he didn’t want to push me too much, so simply said that when I was ready to talk, he’d like me to see someone. One of those someones being his mother (actually that one turned into “If you dont call mom by the end of the week, I will and then you’ll have to talk to her”). She has suffered from severe depression and Hubby wanted me to have someone that could REALLY understand. But still, he was so sure that it was just a “me” issue and not an “us” issue.

So mom came out last week. I hadn’t talked to her yet because she’d been on holidays, and when she’d been here a couple days we had our chat. Well. No big shock that Hubby was pissed at the results because when she talked to him afterwards, he was still in denial. He didn’t talk to me for the next day, but surprisingly after about 24hrs, he pulled me aside to talk (aka rip a strip off me) and…he was forced to admit a lot of things…after the first half of the conversation chalked full of denial.

So the jist…

He wants more children, but is more afraid of me loosing another, and loosing me mostly, to follow through. My last miscarriage was so horrible physically (I’ll leave that for another post), that he’s afraid the next one will kill me (logic is not playing a role here, they don’t just get increasingly more severe each time they happen). So he’s set himself to me being selfish to risk my health/ life for a new child when he and Monster are here depending on me. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he didn’t want to TTC and was afraid that I would leave him if he refused. He finally admitted that sex and miscarriage were so linked in his mind that he couldn’t separate them enough to be with me, and that was where I made him realize that he didn’t deal with all this shit and he REALLY needs to see someone about it.

I’m going back on birth control as soon as The Red Lady comes, we’re going together to go see a counsellor from the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic as soon as she gets back to me, and he admits that he needs to be a bigger part of my and Monster’s lives (we have more of a roommate style relationship and that REALLY needs to change). Plus…he’s going to move me back into the city as soon as we can manage so I’m closer to my support network and have more resources available for me and Monster (since Hubby is gone so often with work).

Things are far from perfect here, but I’ve got some hope again that things can work out.

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