CD2

The Red Lady came full force and I’m compensating with coffee. Surprisingly, I also slept last night. It was pretty nice, I have to say, and a bit of a shock after all my coffee and how bad my insomnia has been. Didn’t even need a sleeping pill but I can take them now for the next week and a half when I need to. I’m not sure if we’re going to be very active on the trying this cycle. I think we’ve downgraded to “if it happens…” for now. I just can’t stress myself about it right now. I’ve been feeling significantly better (mentally) as of late, but I’m still not feeling totally myself. This whole process is just so fracking traumatizing after so long. And I know that a few years isn’t really “so long”, but it sure feels like  life time to me.

I’d been considering going to a counsellor, finding someone that specializes in grief/ miscarriage/ fertility issues, but then I’ve been feeling better (or at least emotionally better) so I had been putting it off. Is there such thing as cheery denial depression? I can laugh, enjoy things, feel mostly content, but I can’t seem to deal with reality. I’ve been avoiding anything serious and keeping myself distracted at every minute to avoid reality otherwise that angry/ bitter/ sad  person surfaces. It took me a while to realize that I was feeling like I had gone through my miscarriages all over again, but I don’t know why. I was being bombarded with all those fresh style emotions all over, and very much like after my first miscarriage I’ve been uninterested in the outside world. I think the TTC stress just did me in and my lack of  “success” has snapped right back around to feel like another loss. I have no idea whether this is coherent to you or not, but it makes sense to me. Usually I just need to take the time (slightly longer than most it usually seems) to sort it out in my head and then I can figure things out from there. So now that I figured that out I’m hoping it will ease off.

So on a happy note…or more accurately, on a peaceful note…The weather is getting nice. I’ve got pussy willows sprouting like mad men on the tree in my back yard, always the first sign that winter is going away. We had a decent snow on Wednesday night and  when I decided to be productive at 3am (with the lack of sleeping and all) I took out the trash. I don’t dress seasonally…ever…so I was wearing a little sundress and my runners and I stepped outside to take the bags to the curb. I hadn’t really noticed the snow come, but there was a few inches just sitting there. It was so quiet and calm outside and I got halfway down my drive before I realized that I wasn’t cold. Well, minus a little chill from the snow getting in my shoes. But I was standing there at 3am in a sundress in the snow and it was warm and quiet. I couldn’t help but stand out there for a while and enjoy it. Have you ever had warm snow? Man I love chinooks.

Not that this is coming as a shock to you guys, but I’ll be cutting back here for a while…technically I’ve been cutting back for a while already, but I just need to not think about things for a bit. So I’ll be in and out of here at random for the next little while. Maybe I’ll tale a cycle off, I’ don’t know.

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