Today is Monster’s third birthday. How can one day bring so many mixed feeling? I am so excited that he’s becoming such a big (well he’s always been pretty big..stalky, not so tall), sweet, well-mannered and affectionate  monster. But on the other hand its freaking me out that I’m loosing time with my baby and it’s all going by to fast. I can’t help but be reminded that I may never have this chance again. I thought by now we’d be on our way to (or having) our third child but life had something else in store for us. So I’m excited, anxious and freaked out all because of one day. Every time I look at him I want to cry because it’s going too fast and (like I said) I may never get to have another chance to appreciate these little stages.

Of course that is giving me a bit of guilt because I know he can tell when I’m off so what do I do? I try to make it the funnest day ever.

I (and the hubby because he happened to be off work) woke him up with chocolate cake and candles singing happy birthday. Opened presents. Played pirates. Got dressed and went out to see Santa and Mrs. Claus (they actually live in our town most of the year but their sleigh is reserved for christmas eve/ day so they use and van with reindeer on top) where he gave Santa a hug and asked for 1 chocolate (greedy kid). Then off to “the farmer’s” aka McDonalds for lunch and back home for a sleigh ride, games and story time. Now he’s down for a nap and after comes more playing, stories, the arrival of my in-laws (whom I love waaaay too much so I’m more excited than anyone about), and then the decorating of Gingerbread Pirates! I made them with swords, hats and peg legs. Sound like a great day for a 3rd birthday? I hope so, and he’s having a great time.

But then why can’t I just enjoy it and stop thinking about what is missing? I keep feeling like he’s missing out on so much because I haven’t been able to give him sibling and it’s usually just me and him. And kids need other kids around.

I am so grateful to have my son and this is nothing compared to  how painful it would be if I didn’t have him but all of us that have suffered miscarriages know that one child can’t replace the others no matther how much we love the one we have.