Is venting like praying?

Have you ever noticed that when something has gone really wrong or is consuming all your attention with stress and upset that when you talk about it, just let it all out, it either doesn’t seem to bother you nearly as much or just kinda fixes itself? Seriously. This has happened to me so many times in my adult life that this of all thing has me questioning the power of letting it out, or prayer, in a sense. I’m not a christian, but I’m the strangest you will find in the secular community.

I was raised in a Lutheran home with the idea (not sure where the communication erred) that God was just a nice story we tell ourselves to make us feel better. Kind of like Santa and Peter Pan. I specifically remember as a small child at church thinking “Do the actually believe this?”. What little kid doesn’t believe what they have been told by their family? But I never did. As an adult, I’ve attended some churches sporadically and taken religious studies in college (I have still always had an interest in religion) but when I moved a little over 2 years ago to my little town and checked out the local alliance church I decided to start attending their weekly womans bible study. Part of this was to meet people and have something to do, but I also really enjoy the educational aspect of it. The all know about me, and not a single one has ever made me feel unwelcome. Just the opposite. I’ve more or less challenged them to convert me (I honestly wish they could) and these super nice women are giving it a go. Actually, everything I do in this town is pretty much through that church. My bible study, my book club (we don’t specifically read christian books), and my MOPS group. Not to mention that the lovely girl I spend most of my social time with in town was  introduced to me at a women’s ministry night and she’s pretty much turned into my security blanky. Charity is a great friend.

I have prayed many times for a secular person. Most of the time it’s out of desperation in a bad situation, but not always. I pray for faith. I’ve been doing this directly for 2 years now and indirectly for my whole life. I want to believe that there is a God that I can rely on to take the burden off myself. I want to be able to just say I believe and go from there, but if I do that I’d just be lying and trying to fool myself. You ever wonder about the “if you say something enough times you will eventually start to believe it” thing. I’ve thought about just taking the time and trying to persuade myself that I believe, but it would be a lie. I want the faith, but not pretend faith.

So back to my original question then, is venting like praying? I’ve always been told that God knows our heart, what we want, and our thoughts, but that when you pray it should be out loud. Like in one of the Narnia books (the magician and his nephew) Aslan sends the kids off to fetch the golden apple and the boy later realizes he has no food with him. He wonders why Aslan didn’t offer some to take with on his journey and the horse tells him I’m sure he knew,”but I think he likes to be asked”. So like praying, it’s best to ask outright and out loud, not just thinking about it. And venting is out loud even though I haven’t attached the “father God” formalities to it.

Yesterday I was a wreck (anyone reading my last post knows that) and when I attended my bible study I spent more time trying not to cry than paying attention and one of the women there, she’s got some sort of hawk eye for me when things are crappy and she (more or less cornered me, lol) asked if I was ok and what could she do to help. If I believed in God, I’d have to say he’s chatting with her about me because she even called me right after my last miscarriage to check in (she had never called me before and I didn’t even know she had my number). I think her mission before she moves away is for me to know God loves me, can’t help but love her for it. I didn’t tell her what my problem was, just that it was baby issues (or lack there of…these ladies are generally familiar with my problems here). Now apparently she’s a hard prayer. Praying hard and praying often. And she’s been praying for me for a long time (and I have a feeling has just kicked it up a notch).

When my hubby came home last night he sat me down and said he’d been doing a lot of thinking. He was still scared of getting pregnant again and what it would do to me if we lost another child (possible physical complication in addition to the mental). It doesn’t help that last time I was rushed by ambulance into the city when I stumbled into my local emerg hemorrhaging like it was going out of business.  So he’s scared for me, but he said he realized that if he’s so scared for me, he should be more afraid of what I am afraid of, and that is of not having more / not trying again. so he said ok. So TTC is back on! I love my hubby so much for how he feels about me, and especially for putting it aside to give us another chance.

So maybe someone is hearing my “prayers”

Advertisements