I’m devastated. I can’t help but feel this way and yet technically nothing has happened.

When I asked my hubby if he was good for me to go off birth control and he said yes, that told me that he was ready. That and before hand he had told me that it was just a matter of when I was going to be ready. So I thought that he was. I guess really, he thought that he was. So as sexy as it is to say “hey hunny, I’m ovulating”, I try to keep that as a last resort. And I know he hasn’t been feeling good and is really run down from work so I’ve been using those excuses to avoid what I thought the real problem is. How can we possibly say we are trying when I can’t get my husband to have sex with me? Last month, it was seriously a struggle. I had to pull out all the stops and still, most of the time he was turning me down. So after I ovulated, I just gave up trying. But now, as my body is primed and ready my hubby is running the other direction. Yes, he wants more kids. Yes, he likes sex (at least in theory at this point).

All this started with a question I raised last night, “what do you think about taking the crib down?”. No. plain and simple. He said that if we take it down we are giving up. At first I thought he was saying that if we take it down he’s not willing to try again (the heels are about to dig in and a bit of a fit is coming on) but then I realized that he was saying that by taking it down he feels like it means we are giving up the idea of having more. like, “this is it for us”. And he’s not ok with that (obviously). But to me, I’m looking at that crib every day, empty (well, empty of a baby, it’s stashing my telescope), and all I can think of when I see it is what I’m missing. My miscarriages never overlapped due dates. I should have three children right now. And here I am staring at this reminder feeling like having it there is jinxing me. We really couldn’t have more opposite views of it.

So last night after turning me down yet again, he curls me up and say “I’m just too scared”. So I now realized that I may have moved onto being more afraid of not having more children than I am of the possibility of loosing them, But he hasn’t. He never really dealt with either loss. never talked about it other than listening to me, never cried except to see me hurting, and the only thing he really felt was anger. It surprised me that he was finally out of the anger/ denial in order to think about it enough to be scared. Not to say that I expect my hubby to be strong and solid all the time, but he’s been avoiding dealing with it for so long that I’d given up trying to get him to. But the problem  is that now he’s so afraid of loosing another child and what it does to me (don’t we all wish we could take the pain for our loved ones) that he can’t have sex with me. And not just when I’m ovulating because he can’t separate it in his mind. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it again. I know that this isn’t him trying to hurt me, or not wanting more kids or not finding me attractive, but God it hurts. He didn’t say this but I know when he thinks of having sex with me all he can think of is dead babies. And I know it’s not rational or accurate, but I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. And I feel like my chance has been taken from me.

I know, now doesn’t mean never. But not only is it hard for me to get pregnant, but to stay pregnant, and how many opportunities will I get. Some people get pregnant when you look at them funny, not I. and I’m so scared to wait, to have it put off longer. But I can’t not respect my hubby’s feelings (even if I didn’t actually need his assistance here) so that means that it’s off. trying has been postponed. I’m not upset with him for feeling the way he does, but I’m trying not to be mad about him not figuring this out before I went off my birth control (I know, you can’t choose when things will hit you). I just feel rejected and empty.