I remember thinking to myself last night “November is a crappy month for me” but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember why. You get that nagging, “I’m missing something here”. And this is going to make me sounds awful. I’ve just missed two  days that I was dredding to acknowledge.

I’ve had this problem since I was a kid (although I didn’t know untill it was so blatantly and slightly traumatizingly, pointed out to me when I was in my mid teens). I repress things. Just full on gone sometimes, other times, only for a while. And when you make this realization for the first time, it’s pretty horrifying. “what else have I forgotten?”. So only from reading  another blog tonight, do I realize that I’ve missed my due date. I’d been freaking out leading up, trying to book that day so full that I’d have no time to think, and then it comes along. Most of my plans ended up being cancelled, I had little to do but sit on my rear all day and sign my son up for preschool. And I completely forgot. Didn’t even cross my mind once. How? Then I remembered that the exact same thing happened last time. The only difference is that last time my mother-in-law was around to witness and let me in on what I was missing. I’ve been so stressed and emotional (more than I should for whats currently going on in my life) and I didn’t even make the connection. How can I be so oblivious at times?

Then to top it off, I missed the anniversary of my dad passing. But this, sadly, happens every year. I write on the calendar “call gramma” and then somehow I never manage to look at that little date square leading up to the actual day.  I feel horrible. Not only does the realization return that my dads gone, not just away like I was always used to it, but also knowing that my gramma is sitting there that day, missing her son that never should have passed before her, and I’m of no comfort. My gramma likes to tease that I’m a bad granddaughter because I don’t call enough, but wow, I’m sure earning my title here.

So now I’m reminded why I was dreading November to start, and ashamed that I missed it. Will I ever get my head on straight?

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