When I became pregnant the third time I felt amazing. All the hesitation I felt with my second pregnancy was gone and I felt like a massive weight had been taken off of me. I was going to have a healthy baby, a sibling for my son to play and grow with. My lovely doctor offered to do whatever I wanted to make me feel at ease, but I didn’t want to give into that leftover paranoia and do all the testing we did before. Now, I’m very small and I grow very fast, so I have little ability to hide my bump. By my first ultrasound at 12.5 weeks I had already been in maternity pants for a couple of weeks and everyone could tell that I wasn’t just gaining a little weight. I went to my ultrasound, happy as a peach, and the tech was very quiet. At first I thought it was because she remembered me from my last loss (I live in a small town), but then I realized that something was wrong. She got up and asked me to go to emergency and meet the doctor there. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Once the doctor saw me, there was a fog in which I heard her say “nothing there”, and “just go home and it will take care of itself in a couple of days”, and a few other bits and pieces. She pretty much tried to tell me that there never was a baby there in the first place. How dare she? I’m not about to be fooled into thinking I wasn’t pregnant because my baby died early on and I hadn’t yet miscarried.

From what little she did tell me, I found that it was called a blighted ovum or missed miscarriage. When the baby dies, your body doesn’t register and you keep growing around it as if everything was good. All that I read about it, people said that they felt good and healthy, like everything was going well. I think this is one of the meanest tricks our bodies can do. My body held onto the baby for another week.

I have to say, I don’t know what is worse. Knowing your baby is going to die and having to helplessly wait for it, or to think that everything is going so well and find out that your baby died shortly after you discovered you were pregnant and your body didn’t know it. I feel like I can no longer trust my body to tell me when something is wrong. My baby should have been born November 2010.

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