Surrogate

They’re hard to come by, right? I mean, I’ve never know a surrogate or anyone that would even really consider it before.

I admit, I kinda pulled out my Judgy McJudgerson a bit ago when I found out we were getting a new nurse at work. We were all excited (since we’ve pretty much been short-staffed from the get go) but then they (management) told us she was taking the day line that two of our current staff were trying to get put into (each told one of them would have it). We were pissed because they should have first dib having been there from the get go, right? Management told us that she had actually been hired with us right from the start but then she was put on bedrest right before we opened so that’s why we haven’t seen her yet but that she was originally hired for the day line. Turns out that that’s not true (the day line part) but that she told them she was no longer willing to work full-time evenings like she had originally been hired and would only do days. They fed us their BS because they were desperate to have more staff and didn’t want us pissed but failed to mention that to the new girl.

So the McJudgerson part was my original thought, ok fine I thought it out loud in a big blurt being “why is she coming back right now if she just got off bedrest? What, are we going to have her for a week before they realize pacing up and down stairs for 8 hours a day is too much for her and we’ll lose her again?”. Then I’m told she already had the baby and blurt “then what the hell is she doing coming back to work after only 3 weeks?” I’m starting to think that this woman is desperate or crazy and really hoping for desperate cause I’m sick of crazy.

Long story short, she tells me she was a surrogate. She’s got three children of her own and this was her second time being a surrogate for another couple. She just loves being pregnant. “And the perk is that I get to snuggle them up and give them away after”. HAHAHAHAHA. You expect them to say something like “It’s so fulfilling to be able to give a couple the child that they have been longing for and help them make a family” or something. But nope. It was all I could do not to cackle at the irony there.

I didn’t ask her how much she charges to do it, but I REALLY wanted to. I asked if she was planning on doing it again and she said that her plan was for that to be the last, but that she’s starting to get the itch to be pregnant again. So I stuck with telling her that I thought it was really amazing that she was willing to do that for couples in need.

Of course my partner’s reaction was the exact opposite. “What the FUCK!? Why would she do that?” Sadly I think my partners thoughts are closer to the norm.

 

Can you smell me?

Yes, I did ask a couple of my girls this today… and I’m not talking B.O. here.

I have a REALLY sensitive nose and I never know if smells are strong enough that other people can smell too, or if it’s just me. Like hemorrhoids, yes, I can smell hemorrhoids. But not on me, lol, that was just an example of things I know the smell of that others don’t.

So, all day I can smell myself and it’s potent. Why? I’m about to ovulate and I’m at the watery CF point. Can you guys smell yourself when you’re at that point? I’ve honestly never noticed it on anyone else, I’m also assuming everyone smells differently on that front just like your general scent is different.

I ask one of my care aids if she can smell me (not specifying for what) and of course another walks into the office at that very second so I figure, why not, and ask her too. The first rolls over to me (we’re sitting down charting) and takes a big whiff of my boobs sternum thinking I’m talking about perfume. Nothing. Other girl? nothing. HOW CAN THEY NOT SMELL ME!?

It’s not an unpleasant smell at all, faintly sweet and comfortable (was that TMI? lol) but just because I know what it is, I get self-conscious. So have you ever noticed your smell change when you’re about to ovulate?

Odd Family?

So, my SIL was throwing a passion party today. You ever been? Also known more commonly as a sex toy party. I had gone to one back in nursing school with a bunch of girls from class and it didn’t make for a bad time with those girls.

But you want a good laugh? Let’s go over this guest list.

R (SIL) & LB (Little Brother), Mummy (my step-dad opted out with the excuse of babysitting), R’s parents (and yes that included her dad), another SIL, and some friends of R&LB’s both male and female and one especially that I’ve known most of his life and is like another LB to me. Since I’ve only been to one of these, maybe I’m not a proper judge, but I didn’t think that was a normal style guest list. But heck, I wanted to see people and visit.

Let me tell you, I had a good time. Having family and friends there was fun, amusing, and not at all uncomfortable even though it should have been when I’ve got my brother 2 seats over asking about different oils/ dildos/ nipple nibbler and trying to find different terms so I knew what I was holding (pocket pussy was the one that got it across).

I’m just glad my family isn’t full of a bunch of prudes. That would have made it awkward.

I’ll tell you what I got. Ready?

She had this pheromone unisex cologne thing that she rolled on each of us and every single one of us smelled different! It was so frackin’ COOL! I’m very scent oriented so I had to go around and sniff everyone there and me and my brother actually smelled very similar which was less surprising but still funny (since I smelled like a peachy/ apricoty mix) and my mom was similar but less sweet. Others ranged from candy to musky type smells and one actually kinda smelled like smokes so I wouldn’t suggest that for him. But how is that not awesome? I don’t care if it makes me more “attractive” or not, I just want to go rub it on everyone I know and sniff them.

I’ll hold back on the rest of what I came home with today.  ;)  This is all part of my effort to put the fun back in sex.

TTC solo

Can you conceive just from wishful thinking? I feel like I’ve had so many months in the last year that are write-off’s just because Hubby is out of town at the worst of times. I wonder sometimes if I could just get him to leave me a few samples in the freezer. Would that work? How the hell am I supposed to get pregnant if I’m flying solo half the time?

I did it, and no one twisted my arm

That’s right. I POAS’d today. I was ~4 days late?

And I had no signs that it was coming, but I did it (for a negative), walked out the door, and The Red Lady did come.

Hubby is leaving on Saturday for 2.5 weeks so I have no hope for next month. It’s a right off. I’ll console myself with fake wine and coffee… and my absence of reality as usual. What else should I entertain myself with? Any suggestions?

Just a little update

So, I did find a new day home. I think. I start on Monday with her and I’m feeling as good as I can seeing as I don’t actually know her and this is my fifth day home in three years. But we’re giving it a go and she seems super nice. Sadly, it will be Monster and 5 girls every day. I NEED to get him some boys to hang out with, poor kid.

My hip is 50% stable! No, I have no clue what that means, but my chiropractor seemed really happy about it. I’m hoping when I see her tomorrow she’ll take me off modified duties. As fun as it is to get “my minions” to haul it around for me, if I never again have to wait for someone else to move it so that I can do my work, it will be too soon. They’ve all been really great about it at work though and my residents cheer for me when I find something light enough that doesn’t hit my weight limit and I can be useful. Then again I did get stuck in a hunched squat today and had to get my partner to help me up. But I made sure that I did the dressing change while I was down there. They can tease all they want, at least I was productive.

And Last by not least, Sex For Dummies has yet to reveal anything amazing to me. Although, I did find it interesting to note that there is actually no scientific proof that a g-spot exists. So if you have a magical place in your vagina that makes your world tip upside down in a toe curl, I guess that falls under a “nice to be you” and maybe an “I hate you a little right now”.   

Almost forgot. I picked “One for the Money” by Janet Evanovich for my book club. Not my norm, but it’s a 4.5/5 on amazon after 697 review and it’s supposed to be really funny.

 

Who the hell did I piss off up there?

I know I haven’t given much of an update about my working full-time now, just bittles here and there. But easily put, I really like my job. I like being back at work, talking to adults, using my brain for more than finding ways to entertain my preschooler, being forced to socialize again because even though I knew I had become a hermit it turns out that it was worse than I’d realized. I’m being a productive member of society. I’m not in any way saying that raising my son is not being productive, but I realize now that being ONLY at home with him and almost no social / support network (sorry but virtual socializing just doesn’t seem to count enough to prevent hermitizing but you guys did keep me from being completely insane) was really not good for me.

I’ve felt amazing since going back to work. Being physically active (I’m eating like a pig and losing weight from how much motoring around I’m doing) is great. I’m not feeling as tired any more. But the best part is that I’ve been pulled out of the heavy depression that I didn’t realize that I’d been in, building up over the last few years. Did you know you could suffer double depression? Last winter was horrible for me, but I didn’t realize the depression I suffered was only on top of a depression that had slowly built up over time.

Ok, I’m rambling, and on to the downer part of the post. You may remember that the only reason I was able to accept the position was that by some miracle in my small town, I was able to find a day home that was agency run AND did weekends. Finding child care here is nearly impossible for those that don’t work monday – friday 9-5. So, Dec 23rd at about 11pm as I’ve got everything ready for Christmas eve, I decided to go through Monsters back pack and read the journal S keeps for him about all day home stuff.

Inside is a letter of termination of care.

I re-read it about 10 times thinking that I was misunderstanding something. But I wasn’t. She’s got just as much problems with fertility/ pregnancy as all of us here and she’s having a really hard time in her pregnancy now (which she only opened up about a few weeks back). I was DEVASTATED. I cried all night and all Christmas eve. May sound like an over reaction, but it means so much more than just having to find a new day home.

Losing child care that I really like. The knowledge that I may very well not be able to find a replacement willing to do weekends. Not an exaggeration since I’ve spent three years here trying to find reliable childcare. The knowledge that if I can’t, I’ll have to quit my job. The only reason Hubby was able to take his promotion to assistant manager (which was a slight pay cut) was because I was now working so if I quit he’ll have to quit and go back into the field. That if I’m not working I’ll be drawn right back into that horrible place that I didn’t know I was in, stuck at home all the time not seeing anyone and looking at the constant reminder that I may be an at home mom but I can’t seem to bring any more children into this world to raise, rubbing my secondary infertility in my face. I’m terrified of going back there.

We’re just leaving out the obvious part about wanting her pregnancy to go well.

Can’t say that it helps that this is the fourth time I’ve lost child care and the fourth time it’s been to pregnancy. Just in case I needed that little extra face rub.

So I’m staring at the potential of everything we’ve worked for and achieved over the last few month flushing down the drain because it all depends on one thing that we have so little control of.

I’m more numb to it now. I’ve got less that two weeks to find a solution or lose my job.

So please, I’m asking you to all send your prayers, good thoughts, or anything more helpful than cheese string my way. Cross everything you’ve got that I can find someone willing/ able/ and responsible enough to take care of my son.

Fertility with strangers

Ok, not total strangers. Co-workers. But ones that I’m not all that intimate of the knowing. A post by Eggs that I just got to reading made me think of this conversation I got into a few days ago. Uncomfortable or funny? Still not too sure.

So, everyone gets known for something, right? My boss has become know for the fact that her underwear (thongs) are constantly sticking out of her pants as they ride down and her shirt rides up. I’ve become known for my tattoos sticking out of or in the case of one shirt, showing through my uniform. So as my boss and I were joking about this the other day, she leaves and “my girls” (my health care aids) say “I want to see your tattoos, move your shirt”. Sure, I’m in the office, I don’t have to get nekid to show them the most of it. They’ve all seen “judge not…” and glimpsed the edges of the feet. So I show the two there the rest of the feet, a quick lift of the back of my shirt presented “nothing else matters” across my spine and the dragon wrapped around my butterfly. And no, I didn’t pull my pants down to show them the rest of the dragon on my butt cheek. I just told them how far it went.

So they ask about the feet and I tell them the history. I’m not shy about it. Unlike most of us, I’ve actually had this conversation on a very regular basis and usually with relative strangers. One of my girls says that she’s had losses in the past too and then we get to the fertility issues. So she starts telling me how to get pregnant.

LOL. REALLY!?

Have you tried this, have you tried that, “have you tried doggy style and stay that way for half an hour after?”

I just stuck with a generic “I’ve tried it all”. I wasn’t going to get into a discussion of sexual positions and old wives tales to help conception at work. I had a feeling that the next one out her mouth would have been “have you tried getting hosed and banging in the back of a car?” so I made my exit quickly. “I’ve got to go get shift report from 2nd floor” and I bolted.

Does that make me evil? It’s hard to give a “sorry for your loss now shut your damn mouth you twit, you think I haven’t tried sex to conceive in the last 7 years?”

I was laughing and irritated all the way up the stairs. I still don’t know which one wins, but I’m leaning towards humour.

The schitty alternative

Today was an awesome day at work. Not that everything was perfect, but even the bad things went smoothly. I even had to call an ambulance for a resident because we couldn’t get her chest pain under control, but unless you saw the paramedics come or go, you’d have had no idea there was an issue. Why? ‘Cause I don’t panic. I just get it done.

There was this big giant who ha at work today hosting a bunch of big wigs and my boss’s boss was super nervous about it all yesterday and this morning. I spent a good chunk of time just helping him chill both days. Why? Well, I guess he finds me calming. Good news for me I guess. He even told me that he’s been hearing great feedback about me from everyone. Can’t complain too much except that he keeps making me late getting off work trying to feed me cake. It’s his way of celebrating everything. Cake. Cake out the ying yang. I don’t care for cake. But he’s always determined that I’m present before he makes his pre-cake announcements. He tracked me down after the big wigs left and gave me the “did the mayor see you?! I really wanted the mayor to see you. I hope you were here when we came by but I didn’t see.” I just paused as gave a “they all saw me in passing, I was keeping busy”. AKA, I didn’t want to just stand there looking pretty for them all to stare at. That makes me nervous. I gave a little way to my direct boss and I calmly but quickly walked by them all (leaving my office when they arrived).

I hope I don’t make him sound creepy here, he’s just really nice and has taken a liking to me.

But of course as that all finished up and I was about to leave work… That BITCH did showeth. A schitty alternative to what we all hope for.

Id had my hopes up. I felt fine, no spotting, my boobs were even not sore for a change. I’d been fantasizing about my “amazing christmas miracle/ present” or whatever it was my co-worker had said last week. So that was a little let down.  But I try to console myself in the fact that my life is pretty good right now and I really like my job and my sweet Monster and I are planning on watching Home Alone tonight for a giggle. He hasn’t seen it but I thought he’s like watching the burglars get bashed in the face with paint cans. Good lessons we teach our children   .

Join on in

Just because insanity loves company and I could use a giggle. I’m not late, I think. I actually can’t remember when I had my last period since for some reason, that could only be explained by an overly intellectual jug of milk (at 3.5 degrees celsius), I forgot to mark it down on the calendar. I don’t know how I missed it. Even when I stopped tracking, I’ve still remembered to mark the arrival of The Red Lady.

So…I think…..that I’m on day 28 (could be 29 but I’m rounding shorter since I don’t know). So If I went by my regular that makes me 1-3 days late. And if I went by my irregular it makes me due any time over the next week. And I have only OPK test and no immediate plans to pick up any HPT. Obviously the possibility has been hovering in the back of my head since she hasn’t shown up like a bad house guest.

I just figured since I was being casually pestered by the idea I’d take you all down with me.

That and usually if I say I’m late here, The Red Lady arrives shortly after. If she’s coming she might as well get it done.